Epiphany

I was thinking of sharing my thoughts on a subject and oddly enough the word that kept coming to my mind was "Epiphany".. that's what I feel I've had over the last 6-9 months or so. Ironically the definition of Epiphany is : 1. a Christian festival, observed on January 6,commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day. 2.an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity.
3.a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.4.a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight. The last 2 definitions would be fitting..

Here's what I find ironic.. my epiphany is over the thoughts on religion/God that I've adjusted. In itself- saying that brings fear of blasphemy. Do I believe there is a higher power at work? Yes. Do I believe everything in life is just a 'big bang'? No.
But over the last (almost) year I find offensive the 'Christian' religion, which I'm sure is where the CYA religious saying of 'Don't focus on religion-focus on RELATIONSHIP with God' comes from. It's bothered me a bit for years, but more so this year. I can not relate the Scriptures with the majority of Christian followers' actions. The intolerance and hate inciting towards various groups in our society ranging from the poor to those just different in various ways... The ideas of "What would Jesus do?" "Love thy neighbor" "help each other" "Be nice" all the ideals portrayed in the Bible are not what I see from this wide group of 'believers'. As I started noticing that, I started looking into facts on other religions, ranging from the Native Americans (who I've always held dear on their principles/way of living), Buddah, Allah, God, etc. I feel there are amazing & similar ideals in 95% of the religions. While the Christian/God version has the best resource (Bible) it also has been altered from the Human race to advance agendas. The fact that chapters written of Scripture have been left out (and very hard to buy/find), and taking into consideration the language barrier/different meanings on interpretation - leaves it...not 'unblemished'. Is it better to take what we can and use it to the betterment of our minds? Absolutely!! Will I NOW take what I can from ALL belief systems and combine it into a Rhapsodyramble way of living- ABSOLUTELY. Am I excited to not be so constrained and able to be LESS imposing (or feel like a failure on 'spreading the gospel')? YES!

I've always had issue with passing judgments on others and acting like my way was the only way- hence the opinionated way I address issues in Bible Studies & conversations.. I'm focusing on not being narrow minded. I don't feel the Christian way is the only way. I feel that's a very unChristian attitude. I've had an issue for years on the idea that I'm suppose to go up to people and witness to them that their belief is wrong, and if they don't want to burn in hell they need to change their feeling and follow only 'my God'. I believe if there is a higher power he created ALL of the nationalities, ethnicities, cultures, and had a hand in the creativeness of each group. I don't believe he would be so cruel as to create all that has been - and then with the beliefs in each culture damn so many cultures immediately. I personally feel that's the human- especially American way of "I know better than you" and superior attitude we have with so many nations.

I think back on all the atrocities committed in the name of 'God' and imposing beliefs- and the hypocrisy that holds. Even now, fellow church go-ers come to church showing pictures and talking about their 'mission trips' to other countries and how they had such a God Experience...yet here- in our own country, in our own COUNTY they are selfish, unhelping, judgmental people. There are children in this area who could be positively affected by the actions these people do for 4 days out of the country- but that would take living the principles they claim to follow longer than a few days.. so yes I may be jaded right now- but it's because I'm seeing that the world is not quite so Black lines, White lines, clear cut right way, wrong way.. it's more of a bunch of gray swirlies mixed in and out of the black and white.. and every other color splashed into it.

So where do I stand? Not as secure in my faith in God, but that there is a bigger picture than I originally was seeing. Do I believe in Heaven? maybe.. could it be a second life somewhere? maybe.. reincarnation? who's to know? I'm not an enlightened being..I'm a searching one and one that's much happier inside with my new thinking.

Less Than a Few

Here it is, nearly 4am and I'm under a blanket on the couch with the curser flashing on the computer. I lay down to sleep so tired and find I'm then wide awake needing to write words out. What? You may ask..no clue...yet.. maybe my heart?

Mean thoughts are very rarely there. I've faced some things in the last year that I can say most would not react rationally. I have discovered that there are 'less than a few'-- I can wholly trust my soul with. I continue to hold true faith & trust in those 'less than few'..for to not do so, would repeat a mistake I promised I would not make a second time.

I am a big picture person. The temporary thought 99.9% of the time most would choose- I do not. I truly believe in not being the only one that thinks the way I do- there has got to be more out there that feel similarly..however I do not confide my mind's workings to but 'less than a few'- it does not work out..again I go back to true faith & trust. nothing more/nothing less.

Normal does not apply in my heart. Only the extra-ordinary meaning behind such simple words that carry positive meanings.

For example a friend finds no value anymore because my life choices are less fun... Or a woman I've admired for so many years as an amazing motherly example removes the connection. I hold no malice. I'm deeply sad. I'm hurt. Confused. Let down. But they need not worry about any betrayal of confidence...I do not hurt others because I'm hurt. I just miss them.

I remain sad wishing for happier times. I am on a road with hope in the 'less than few'. I have learned however that I need to hope quietly. More times than naught I hear the echo of my plea return empty. Those I love I love forever and that loyalty will always move me to attempt only what would bring them happiness. A gift of what maybe they look for & I can provide. Confidence, respect, love, admiration, laughter. Sometimes being me does not work well for me but I know no other way to be.

A Myriad of Emotions

I was being pulled to write again tonight.. you see I want to share but also want to make sure it's ok to do..yes this is my outlet/safe way to do that. Has been for quite a while but it's the tool that has been given- an invisible cord one might say.


As I have read and re-read and re-read I can't help shake my head and think "Well HELL.."

As I was sitting down to type and thinking over all the recent revelations & last few days my mind is spinning. I feel hopeful and then feel stupid for feeling hopeful. I feel so glad and so terrified of feeling glad. I feel happy and nervous I will lose that. I feel excited and then cautious for getting excited. For right now- I will be patient and wait. The ol' familiar keep the walls up until I can see if it's safe... I keep coming back to hope though. And happy. I want to scream, laugh and cry.

I think I want to go see what I dream- much safer there than awake right now.

Struggles & Strength In Writing

I had a dream last night and got to talk to the one I've missed so terribly.. In the dream it was solid and safe as always- and the conversation as sound and clear-- like time had no effect. Which led me to come back & brave a ramble check. The dream must have been my tug to write again. ********************************************************************************* Since the last entry I have gained confidence in my previous ramble. I still feel there would be only one to sound things out with under present circumstances, yet I've seen how alone with my intuition I've made wise decisions. I am finding it very difficult to still write..the need, want & emotion is there but the follow through is like an empty pit-- even now I deeply struggle as I type these words... after watching the curser blink again for minutes I've decided I will write about a few things easier to express! ********************************************************************************* As previously written- my daughter's adored cat Tab died months ago. Struggles hit of recent events and two weeks ago my daughter asked me if she could get another kitten.. So needless to say we went to the Animal Shelter immediately, and spent about 2 hours playing with kittens, testing their temperments with other kittens and chose one --I'll attach a picture below.. she then thought loooonnnggg and hard about a name for about 5 days, settling on Karma. LOL.. as I type THIS part I have a big smile on my face, just imagine us training her around the house (jumping on the table---"BAD Karma", or following us to her food dish for a spoonful of treats "GOOD Karma")!! She likes to put her paw on you- somewhere...anywhere..to assure you are connected. She most often will just put a paw over my daughter's hand or arm while on or by her.. She's a spunky little thing, as most kittens are, but seems to have the Superman jump/flying down really well.. She dove an impossible distance from the couch to land on my daughters plate of food the other night "BAD KARMA"! Daisy and Lily the 1/2 wild cats we adopted have tolerated her barely. Every so often we will hear hissing or see a wild chase end with paws batting her on the head, but overall- it's been a fairly smooth transition. She has for sure put a bright light in my daughter's eyes again & livened the house up quite a bit- the biggest issue we have with her at the time is keeping your toes covered so she can't make you yelp in pain! ********************************************************************************* History: When my son was in elementary school there was a boy named Danial in a wheelchair. I never knew what was wrong with him, but my son would come home & tell me stories of how he'd stood up for the boy against others, stayed in at recess to play with him so he wasn't alone, would trade pokemon cards with him & play, they were good friends.. Danial continued to grow up and in High School my daughter & him became friends. When she would miss her brother they would talk on the phone & Danial would give memories of what 'He' was like to her. She loved hearing stories about him and learning what he was like towards his friends and against unkind people. A week ago Danial had an accident in the bathtub...no one knows for sure what happened but it seems that as he was getting in/out he may have had a seizure & drowned. EMS was able to revive him & sent him to Springfield, but when test results came back there was no brain activity. It rocked this house badly along with the community.. I didn't handle it well- crying at the drop of a hat.. the family took him off life support and made arrangements to harvest the organs so others could live through him. That was one of the most selfless gifts they could give others- and I remember my son wanting to do the same when he left us. He was unable because the cancer was so bad in his body. Danial died on the same day as my son 9 years later. What I try to imagine is my son's amazing smile and the twinkle in his eyes that showed his momma he was up to mischief...waiting for Danial..and Danial getting there...and them hugging or high fiving and zipping around with him showing Danial all the amazing things. No weakness or sickness or looking skeletal from my son, and no wheelchair or handicap or insecurity from Danial.. My son gave him a gift of love & confidence, then he gave it to my daughter, and she will in turn give it to someone else. What life is about, ey? ******************************************************************************** For those I love and miss.. love & miss you.. And watch your toes. ********************************************************************************

Courage

I'm facing something alone right now and thinking about the past wishing I could talk about it with one I've lost. As I sit here trying to figure out what to say I watch the cursor blink. I think of family, friends, the community and know that I can not tell a soul. I've thought about talking to a friend in S about it but don't think he would keep my confidence. That I will not compromise on... as ridiculous as it sounds to type this and hit enter quickly will take a lot of courage. But it will make me feel a little better. I don't care if it's selfish or stupid. More than likely it will never be read & that is ok. The air. My best friend. Understanding. Wisdom. ..was going to try a poem but sleep is calling. Thinking of our talks, priorities, views on living, knowing we usually approach those the same..I picture telling you & your eyes. Watching your thought process working through the 'if you were in my position'.. big picture down the road.. I wish I could think of someone safe & have a set of arms to cry in. Sometimes you keep secrets out of love for those you love so very much. I will continue to think on these things.. & be strong for those that need me.. And hit enter.

Words of Tomorrow...

It's been a while since I've read a published book that's spellbinding. I've lost myself over the last week in the Hunger Games books. I found myself reading at any chance I could get- while stirring supper on the stove, while waiting for the gas to fill up in the jeep, while putting on makeup in the morning, etc. The characters in the book became quickly entwined & buried in my heart. Partly because I could identify with them and party because the story was so enthralling. Toward the end of the book when certain things happened I found myself setting the book down and crying my heart out using up a box of tissues. While some may laugh at my.. emotions distress over fictional characters- I know when others read the book- they will understand. I found myself so attached to them that I read the credits at the end and the copyright information just so I wouldn't have to put the book down... just.. yet.. Needless to say- I highly recommend the series.

Over the last few months I've faced some hardships that have left me a bit more cautious? numb? unwilling? to take life as I use to. I don't read the local paper, reach out, communicate as much. More quiet & reserved.. I don't write anymore or sing,(haven't been on here since Jan). Part of me feels it's due to just being tired of being someone that so many look to for guidance & help. I'm worn out physically & emotionally. There's part of me that realizes I've buried myself in social issues to avoid the losses I feel. Then again, that's me... Nothing gets me fired up & feeling alive like fighting for the underdog or children or wrongdoings. I was suppose to fly to Denver this weekend and last Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday I was so upset over this 'impending doom' feeling that I was in tears & unable to eat by Wednesday.. and changed my flight so I could stay home. I don't know if it was in regards to leaving my daughter here- some sort of premonition of her needing me? or just from the emotional state of not blocking out losses & difficulties I've faced lately. For all these reasons combined... I'm down for the count. I feel I've reached my breaking point & today was the catalyst- Losing the book- losing the characters..the temporary connection I'd missed & felt..

Today has been a day of letting myself sink into the despair & missing you pretty intensely. Knowing tomorrow I will get back up. In my awareness of myself- I know that it will not be a quick recovery- every day shoots physical pains through me if I think about you. I find it hard to breath & it's hard to think at all. I accept that I'm in an odd depression that I haven't encountered before. Although I haven't written anything since January out of survival instinct, I felt after reading those books I needed to reach out..to that lifeline in the leaves.

I've thought long and hard on the human spirit. How the potential that a human heart has can't be explained & that some take for granted- is by far the most amazing and powerful force of nature. I remember when I was very young, I use to repeat a phrase over and over to myself, and when all else fails, it forces me beyond what I normally feel capable of. I then combine it with another saying that is one of my favorites. With that, I promise to myself and those that love me- tomorrow I will start repeating them over and over. I will pull myself out of this quicksand that feels pretty damn warm. I'll sign off with words of tomorrow...

Be Strong.
So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.

Can't think of a title

Sometimes I just want to scream it.

LITERALLY.

As loud as I can.

I can occupy myself with a million people...projects
...be as busy as I can make myself until I drop but it changes nothing.

It doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life-

in fact I'm grateful for where I am..

this is nonetheless the facts...

I.

Miss.

You!!!

So very much.

I wish I had you back in my life.

It surprises me how much I still talk to you in my dreams

& how much I still sob broken hearted

over the void that you have left in my life.