Appreciation

I appreciate the small things...things many overlook. Like a simple gesture or word used or a glance. After years of intense counseling & digging deep I've come to the conclusion it's from neglect.

Once specific example of this is one see every day around me & it's the most deep beautiful meaningful thing I could witness. I use to live a life where for 1 week a month I got to see an amazingly devoted dad to his child. During that one week it was beyond perfect. He was the most phenomenal, fun, devoted, cuddly, loving dad she could ask for...and usually during that week was a pretty great husband also. My heart would swell from watching them & feeling like I mattered so much. And then he'd return to work away from us & it would go back to being her & I... & we would survive best we could until he got to come back to us. I would talk to him various times through the day/night, but he would talk to her every few days- at times even once a week. I never thought much of that because I had never had a dad myself.. Plus he was working a very physically demanding job- providing a home for us. We didn't spend money. (I grew up beyond poor so now to try things- I'm like a little kid in a candy shop... however he grew up well off & didn't go without- because he was the one working so hard to earn money... he would spend hundreds of dollars a month to help make it worth being away for him... When he'd come home- he'd be to tired- so we didn't do anything. Last thing he'd want to do after driving was drive more.. No memory making- no going neat places or doing fun things.. that was again always her & I. Not as a family but as a fraction of it. If I ever did get him to come- it was always very bad for me when she wasn't around. There was always a price to pay. And if he was around for 2 weeks...or 3 or laid off- it would get bad. But.. he was very selective & would for the most part- never do or say anything too bad with her around. When he did it was because he'd lost all control & it would be Life altering bad to come back from. But I won't focus on the negative of the past.. I'm writing about the small things I appreciate that I see now. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. I think most assume that is how it is - because most HAVE that in their life.
But I know different.

I observe a dad who is tired from working all week... and he still gives attention to his kids.
It may be crabbier attention- but it's consistent. It's daily.
It's the normal for a mom - that 'doesn't turn off button'- but to see a dad do it...
It's 'I'm in your life every day I'm able- I'm showing up'.
It's 'I'm here & I'm not going anywhere until God takes me'.
It's 'I'm worn out but I love you & value you enough to do SOMETHING special with you'.
It's 'I'm broke beyond most people broke- but I'm spending what I have to make memories with you'.
I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. But I do.



I was in Children's Hospital for 2 Septembers with my Son. During the first September he was excited & almost jumping up at the window in the hospital to see all the huge air balloons flying up from Forest Park & right by his window. To get to witness his joy & excitement in his eyes- as a parent- it's a memory to cherish. And during the second September I carried him over to the window & held him cradled on my lap like he was a baby, at that point he was mostly skin & bone & was fading from our world. But for that day- while we got to watch for hours the balloons fly by us on the 8th floor- I got to see the light in his eyes. As a parent- it's a memory to cherish. For years I asked if I could go to spend the gas money to see it again. If I could not go alone. This year I went. I spent my own gas money with no repercussions. I was not there alone. I got to see eyes all around me light up. I got to hear squeals of laughter. I got to hear singing. I got to laugh & smile. I watched people hug & talk & laugh with each other. I didn't get to see many balloons because the wind was evidently keeping them from launching as many- but that's not what matters. What matters are the small details. The ones that most don't notice. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that... But I do.

An Amazing Find in Yourself

Sometimes you can find an amazing, rare bird...and absolutely fall in love with it.You think this bird is phenomenal. You put your faith in watching this bird fly & become what you believe it can.You trust in the bird to see how much you trust it. And the bird loves being with you also! You know it was sent to you by the Highest above & vow to appreciate it's beauty every day..you believe in this bird..all your hopes & dreams are in this bird. You every day strive to give the bird the best you have to offer- making sure that it knows it's value with you. But over time, this bird begins to peck at you. Over years the pecks turn to taking chunks out of you. It hurts you deeper than any other pain & you rationalize it by saying the bird isn't use to the weather here, or the food has changed, or it's not feeling well, and before long- you find making excuses for the bird's behavior to you is what takes the majority of your time up... The beauty you once saw everything in with being attached to this bird--- changes into ownership or feeling disposable...it starts to make you numb if you continue to look at it the same way so you stay numb most of the time (to save the bird which you still love in it's beauty & all you've built with it).However, the bird starts to mock you & you find yourself talking less around it. The bird ridicules your laugh, your thoughts, your looks, everything about you & then the bird that youonce thought was so beautiful- now seems to make you see ugly when you look in the mirror at yourself.You realize that even if you loved this bird with everything you had- you will never be good enough for the bird to want to stay. You have to love yourself more & let this bird go. It needs to fly in it's own direction - away from you. Far away from you. You can believe in good being in that bird somewhere- deep down- but you realize that you are not the one to enjoy it anymore. You're stubborn & believe in the best as long as you can- but eventually you're barely recognizable you're so marked up. You let that bird go & bandage yourself up- knowing that it will take a lot of time & work to heal the wounds the bird intentionally or unintentionally made on you- either way- they are wounds you must address. No one can wrap these wounds for you. You have to soothe them, healing yourself - slowly. Deliberately. Yourself. Over a long period of time. For you see- Sometimes it's not the bird that needs to change...after all- it can't change it's feathers- that bird was born that bird. It likes it's colors & pecking habits. It's what makes that rare bird that rare bird. It's you that needs to change.. You are a woman of worth. A woman of beauty in yourself. You are a woman of value. Any who don't see that- don't need to be in your life.. for they do not deserve to be in your life... You need to switch to a different kind of bird. Eventually. After the right amount of time has passed- where you can see these things in yourself- & maybe...just maybe that different kind of bird will see these things in you. Otherwise- you're ok without a bird around..If it's a smart bird- deserving of your attention & devotion it will see what you are. If not- you've learned- you are fine on your own. 




http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/26939570

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/02/pictures/110228-best-pictures-worlds-rarest-birds-ibis-owl-crane-parrot/