Worth More

There are some- ok..maybe 3- that I hold in such high regard that when they hurt me deeply it leaves me literally nauscious. On the humorous side, it's helped me lose 5 lbs so far this month. I keep myself very guarded in 99% of my situations in an odd calculating formula. While I'm very open and loving to everyone- in the back of my head I am also reserved. I've had to work on that a lot in the last few years...not being so withdrawn. I would say there were probably two very impacting things that happened in my first 5 years as a child. I can remember around age 4 waking up with a black shape on me and I couldn't breath. I remember I was gasping for air and trying to scream and nothing would come out. I had no air for minutes and was struggling to breath small breaths and not die. I remember the black shape then got up quickly off me and left through the door and I was able to draw breath to scream. I remember my mom running in my room & me trying to explain to her what had just happened- and I remember her saying it was a dream & to go back to sleep. She didn't stay in there long with me- I do remember immediately getting tucked back in and her leaving the door cracked and me staring petrified waiting for him to come back through. It wasn't a dream. The second memory I was about 5 and was when my dad left. I remember them arguing and me sitting in the rocking chair rocking my baby sister trying to keep her quiet & thinking if we were quiet it would help them stop fighting and they would be able to work it out. I went down the hall when it was quieter and saw a suitcase. My dad said he was going on a business trip and he wasn't sure when he'd see me again. I remember crying and begging him to stay and holding onto his leg and he pulled me away from him and walked out.

I only bring up these because in the last month I've been thinking about why I hold such...powerful? unmoveable? value with those few I trust with my complete self. Analyzing my earliest memories of security, safety, trust, abandonment, talking- unfortunately brings back at times more than I wish I could remember. And in theory it explains a lot about why I have such issues. It's made me who I am today- good, bad, mixed up- whatever the case may be. However, If I say it- I mean it. What others may say- they may not. While I may pour my heart out being completely vulnerable & open to those very few- I may have been alone in doing so. My friends joke about how non-judgmental I am-'too patient & understanding'...that's what I've searched and hope for-- others that hold those same characteristics in such high regard. Acceptance...and not being left. Especially with no explaination. First my dad, then Mom, husband- silence. It use to be what he would do to break me down- because he knew what no response meant to me- that I wasn't worth it- I didn't matter. Now another that I believed was so very much more different- is not.

I can rationalize, put myself in another's place- think compassionate things, make excuses for why someone will be intentionally hurtful toward me..disregard any pretense of concern.. I did it for 15 years with the man I married until I couldn't any longer. So imagine how long I could do that again with friends I care so much for? Less.

I said 15 years and I've been married for 17. It may have taken me a while-but I do learn... In the last 2 years I have grown- I guess you could say my emotional state was stunted or on pause. Many things happened along the way and I tried to adapt and make the best of it- always looking on the bright side- even when 'normal' people would have quit. I had help re-claiming my self from some I considered beyond special to me.. I have got to start giving myself credit for who I am also. I for many years credited everyone around me- but me..I was not worthy of that-that's been shown. Yet when I look- I am the only one who remains- the one common factor in the equation. Does the importance of those around me diminish? Absolutely not- the value & cherished place I have still is there. But when those I value so highly repeat the 'you are not worth' actions- I have 2 choices- quit (which I have considered) or tread water until I can start swimming again...

But I can now acknowledge, I am a strong woman. And I am determined to not allow myself to be 'disregarded', disrespected & feel as I am nothing again.
I don't deserve silence. I am worth words.
I'm not a time filler or unimportant. I feel. I am worth genuine emotion.
I am not rude. I am worth manners.
I care & am a good woman. I am worth consideration.

I am worth the tiniest bit of effort... Yes- I can objectively look at myself and say the advantage for those having me in their life is that I 'expect' so very little --yet give so very much. The barest consideration counts for so much with me because of my history. And 'now' that I am this woman- when I am treated callously...

Will I be accepting & forgiving if an effort is made? Absolutely- that is my heart.
Will I beg? No.
Will I continue to try to reach out and ask why? No.
Will I be sick still? Yep. It's amazing the impact felt physically & emotionally.
Do I cry myself to sleep on some nights because I don't understand what "I" did wrong? Yes.
Would I respond if reached out to now? I don't know.
Will I ever have this wound in my soul healed or will it be a lingering scar?
I don't know that either.

I have driven myself crazy with the pain in trying to figure this out.
I can only come back to -- it's not mine to figure out.
I know who I am & treat those I care for with value.
Those I've been 'me' with - know this also.
I will force myself to find my dignity again.
I will find my footing and get back up.
Why?
Because I am worth more.

Watching a Miracle

Last night I had the honor of helping to bring a human life into the world. A very sweet younger girl that I have grown close to was going into labor. She wanted her mom there and also wanted me there. I have had two children, and each time of course was on the other side of the situation- in those two cases you of course are so consumed with pain & don't get to 'see' the event take place step by step. I was deeply touched that she would want me there, let alone want me assisting and helping with the entire process. I can't explain how absolutely honored I feel to be a part of that new life beginning. It was something I will never forget and always cherish. It was stunning, beautiful, so special. Her mom was on one side & I was on the other, both holding her legs and encouraging- at times firmly to "dig in".. the breathing & pushing. Over the process of a few hours, when his head crowned- I remember thinking- what a miracle I am actually watching take place! Then his face emerged, and the doctor suctioned the nose & mouth, and with a few more pushes his entire healthy beautiful little body came out. As the doctor placed him on her chest for her to see, I saw two tears slide down her cheek - as she gazed at her creation. I remember that moment with both of my children- it's one that will be seared in her mind for all her life. He was absolutely perfect. His weight was 8.13- 20.25".. a solid very healthy & handsome boy. When he was under the sun lamp I stayed with her while the 'brand new grandma' went over to coo over her grandson.. when she returned to her daughter's side I went over to admire him and noticed the little fella was trying oh so hard to open and focus his eyes, he knew there were new noises to pay attention to and oh how hard he was trying. He cried on and off but for the most part he was attentive to the sounds and trying very much to see, and after about 30 minutes he mastered that- eyes stayed focused & open. It was one of many things I hope to have the priveledge to watch him master in the coming years- it was an amazing night I will never forget.