tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1033090250396243252024-03-05T00:19:12.433-08:00Rhapsody's RamblingsRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-31375279913468119262016-07-16T19:00:00.001-07:002016-07-21T19:20:35.241-07:00so close40 min ago I was getting ready to sit down & write letters to those I love. I still probably will. But after a talk with my Dad- who told me to focus on the next 2-3 days & no further...and my adopted mom who told me I'm free- and I deserve better- to let go & let God & MOVE. I said "What if I regret moving?" she said "What if you regret staying?" I seem to love those that either can't, don't or won't love me back. From my child to my ex, to friends. Not all- by any means- but right now- 2 very hurtful situations are going on. I have got to figure out either how to get out of the position I am in & my feelings of hopelessness or follow through & go to see my son. At this point I'm going to read my Bible, tomorrow I'm going to the gym, church, & a concert w a girlfriend.. Monday I've got a few hours of work & then Tues I may go to a support meeting. I am worth better than what I have been getting from the 2 I love the most in this world. I am worth more. I don't want hate, negative, games, to be used or a convenience. I had that. I want to be valued. I'm either so close to the edge & falling over or so close to seeing something better. For now I set goals of 2-3 days at a time...that's as far as I can plan on being here for now. So close.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-10613811152563048482016-06-28T22:10:00.004-07:002016-06-28T22:10:56.536-07:00Love & LossIn less than 24 hours I'll be on another anniversary of my son's death. I have had the waves of emotions starting to hit me tonight & will be watching a tv show & hit pause bursting into full blown sobbing. The kind where your chest aches & you can't see out of your eyes or breathe. Where the tears don't stop & you're afraid your neighbors will end up hearing your sobs. I rock back & forth wishing so bad I had someone here that loves me like I deserved to be loved & was not going through another milestone alone...<br />
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I got down wanting to see a specific picture from the photo albums & was going through them looking for it- which leads me to crawling to my laptop & writing.. love. loss. I have loved so well.. I look at these pictures & I hurt for some I see in them.. not from missing them necessarily- because they took my love & used it as a weapon against me- but hurt for the potential & promise I saw. I will list a few..<br />
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Mother- a loose term for the role she served. Provider- yes. Confidant? no. Reliable? no. Safe? no. Loving? no. <br />
Abusive? yes. Hateful? yes. Selfish? yes. <br />
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Sister- moved & lost track of her.. I hope she's doing well.<br />
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Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- loved them so much. But she was very manipulative. Worked me over bad mentally acting like she was my friend & trying to help me- meanwhile she was trying to get together with my husband who she'd liked since high school..had told her mom & husband (who was soon after her ex)of her plans. Which evidently my ex wasn't as opposed to as he should have been. <br />
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Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- she had a sweet heart but in all honesty- was mentally unstable & not healthy.. lifestyle wise she was abusive to drugs, sex & neglectful of her children. I wasn't able to help her & reached a breaking point when her children were in some bad situations. <br />
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Friend- she died. Drug od & had a stroke... she was a sweet soul that was young & making some bad decisions- did not have the chance to correct them. <br />
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Friend- she died. Drinking ruined her body.. but she was reliable as far as being there for me. She was a solid. <br />
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Husband- I loved him. I tried to mold myself to make him happy but nothing worked. He was not good to me to say the least. Looking back now- we probably should have parted ways sooner- but I/we tried our best to make it work...just different standards, morals, priorities, living. He has moved on & found his current mate on #4? since me. My pain with him stems more from the ongoing recovery I currently am still working on. I have a lot in my head that needs overcome. <br />
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Son- the only one that breaks me. He was my mirror. My soul. He & I could communicate & instantly get each other. He was my happiness. My daughter was also- but he was my first everything... including funeral. I miss him so much. Even typing this I am crying & refocused on how I want to see that picture I started looking for... what's funny is - what it is of... it was a memory when we first moved here... him facing off in the yard w a bully across the street. He had come in crying bc he had been hit by this boy & then had a ball thrown at him hard. I told him "You go back out there & you face him- you don't back down.. and if he gives you trouble again- you knock the shit out of him- punch him square in the nose -you got it" & he looked me dead in the eyes- dried his tears & said "ok mommy I can do that." And he did. And that boy ran home crying & then his mom & I had words. lol Two days after that boy came asking if he could play & I said "In my yard where I can watch you all." & that's how it all began.. they became best friends & all the kids from 3 blocks over came over to our house to play, eat meals, watch tv, play video games... I got to be friends w the mom for a while... I was very protective of him. Of any child that came around... bc I knew even then the value they hold.. <br />
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So love & loss...an equal paradox... one insanely deep joy that causes equally insanely deep pain... One I could live without with no hesitation yet to do so would mean I would have to cut off my openness to the other.. which my soul is unwilling to do... until I die.<br />
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So now.. I hit enter & go find my memories.. took no time at all to find the photo I was looking for.. he's the smaller boy in the Vikings jersey... I was so proud of him facing off- took the photo & then I ran outside bc the shit was gonna hitting the fan..lol.. I was so proud of him though... <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioj70Sn3g4xUuqh4vIbmef-srfGCjghyWtlaiOI0ScMqQlQ5Jj24VmgzO2og6YxSISe9nRxHGJsImztfG2HN_PSul2aY_HvCkDw-e8t_6orKOi_4CA3hK9iDBUh9I2PPvlyoQNsxqQDlI/s1600/217492_2240443380289_2829113_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioj70Sn3g4xUuqh4vIbmef-srfGCjghyWtlaiOI0ScMqQlQ5Jj24VmgzO2og6YxSISe9nRxHGJsImztfG2HN_PSul2aY_HvCkDw-e8t_6orKOi_4CA3hK9iDBUh9I2PPvlyoQNsxqQDlI/s320/217492_2240443380289_2829113_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmZT99ERDgxRtAXCusIoL9Z1tQpD4txn3Rl2-2tSOXtyWpIZ_f151EYjgrHbAvYDpRdktLNoucM8kp4uoDoJPugQREM6Bb98_Ip2s0BRPzptTsfk7Iwe-M8vvN53HfrJkhK6DAgVAn2Pk/s1600/1016792_10201525828497291_1459853721_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmZT99ERDgxRtAXCusIoL9Z1tQpD4txn3Rl2-2tSOXtyWpIZ_f151EYjgrHbAvYDpRdktLNoucM8kp4uoDoJPugQREM6Bb98_Ip2s0BRPzptTsfk7Iwe-M8vvN53HfrJkhK6DAgVAn2Pk/s320/1016792_10201525828497291_1459853721_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfVqbwKBpv4K48tk2nP3uXrhAWlr0xOMZPzi_XG9_Pay0U-P3hcyfxGUNXgE5qiLdZDSenmdXDUI0TuIcTkbJxmuUh3dKO9XVJNgGMm66UudN60e5UEhpjLP5LErdBrQr9c0pUc8qG_LY/s1600/1910122_1237182939405_6202957_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfVqbwKBpv4K48tk2nP3uXrhAWlr0xOMZPzi_XG9_Pay0U-P3hcyfxGUNXgE5qiLdZDSenmdXDUI0TuIcTkbJxmuUh3dKO9XVJNgGMm66UudN60e5UEhpjLP5LErdBrQr9c0pUc8qG_LY/s320/1910122_1237182939405_6202957_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0R28zx_3IOkVSywLoVsW8OUPnMGEaqiFyprA8emjWvZjO9BHdQ4hmtyytUhxQweAve_3avbfmiOde7pnIazKQk592_ljXYHyiDHQJlMmdXTP6qZuB7PNEaNV-RI__F-9xUpCw5SQu5-I/s1600/36747_1496097932118_4316618_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0R28zx_3IOkVSywLoVsW8OUPnMGEaqiFyprA8emjWvZjO9BHdQ4hmtyytUhxQweAve_3avbfmiOde7pnIazKQk592_ljXYHyiDHQJlMmdXTP6qZuB7PNEaNV-RI__F-9xUpCw5SQu5-I/s320/36747_1496097932118_4316618_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv30kE3b_yrJ0NflWapCVdxEt3w4fxdNPMFnZnPFSZ6jcsGYCJn69IC7BKlUyqFErFpA_wl91Cs0T3Aeeuq6uSgQfxLNNZa4qFFYp6ZYyfCRxqyh08sevWtcQgebokR249r6WxKLY74yc/s1600/FullSizeRender+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv30kE3b_yrJ0NflWapCVdxEt3w4fxdNPMFnZnPFSZ6jcsGYCJn69IC7BKlUyqFErFpA_wl91Cs0T3Aeeuq6uSgQfxLNNZa4qFFYp6ZYyfCRxqyh08sevWtcQgebokR249r6WxKLY74yc/s320/FullSizeRender+%25284%2529.jpg" /></a>Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-29199898227808457222015-09-19T23:01:00.000-07:002015-09-19T23:01:16.898-07:00AppreciationI appreciate the small things...things many overlook. Like a simple gesture or word used or a glance. After years of intense counseling & digging deep I've come to the conclusion it's from neglect. <br />
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Once specific example of this is one see every day around me & it's the most deep beautiful meaningful thing I could witness. I use to live a life where for 1 week a month I got to see an amazingly devoted dad to his child. During that one week it was beyond perfect. He was the most phenomenal, fun, devoted, cuddly, loving dad she could ask for...and usually during that week was a pretty great husband also. My heart would swell from watching them & feeling like I mattered so much. And then he'd return to work away from us & it would go back to being her & I... & we would survive best we could until he got to come back to us. I would talk to him various times through the day/night, but he would talk to her every few days- at times even once a week. I never thought much of that because I had never had a dad myself.. Plus he was working a very physically demanding job- providing a home for us. We didn't spend money. (I grew up beyond poor so now to try things- I'm like a little kid in a candy shop... however he grew up well off & didn't go without- because he was the one working so hard to earn money... he would spend hundreds of dollars a month to help make it worth being away for him... When he'd come home- he'd be to tired- so we didn't do anything. Last thing he'd want to do after driving was drive more.. No memory making- no going neat places or doing fun things.. that was again always her & I. Not as a family but as a fraction of it. If I ever did get him to come- it was always very bad for me when she wasn't around. There was always a price to pay. And if he was around for 2 weeks...or 3 or laid off- it would get bad. But.. he was very selective & would for the most part- never do or say anything too bad with her around. When he did it was because he'd lost all control & it would be Life altering bad to come back from. But I won't focus on the negative of the past.. I'm writing about the small things I appreciate that I see now. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. I think most assume that is how it is - because most HAVE that in their life.<br />
But I know different. <br />
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I observe a dad who is tired from working all week... and he still gives attention to his kids. <br />
It may be crabbier attention- but it's consistent. It's daily. <br />
It's the normal for a mom - that 'doesn't turn off button'- but to see a dad do it...<br />
It's 'I'm in your life every day I'm able- I'm showing up'.<br />
It's 'I'm here & I'm not going anywhere until God takes me'.<br />
It's 'I'm worn out but I love you & value you enough to do SOMETHING special with you'. <br />
It's 'I'm broke beyond most people broke- but I'm spending what I have to make memories with you'.<br />
I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. But I do.<br />
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I was in Children's Hospital for 2 Septembers with my Son. During the first September he was excited & almost jumping up at the window in the hospital to see all the huge air balloons flying up from Forest Park & right by his window. To get to witness his joy & excitement in his eyes- as a parent- it's a memory to cherish. And during the second September I carried him over to the window & held him cradled on my lap like he was a baby, at that point he was mostly skin & bone & was fading from our world. But for that day- while we got to watch for hours the balloons fly by us on the 8th floor- I got to see the light in his eyes. As a parent- it's a memory to cherish. For years I asked if I could go to spend the gas money to see it again. If I could not go alone. This year I went. I spent my own gas money with no repercussions. I was not there alone. I got to see eyes all around me light up. I got to hear squeals of laughter. I got to hear singing. I got to laugh & smile. I watched people hug & talk & laugh with each other. I didn't get to see many balloons because the wind was evidently keeping them from launching as many- but that's not what matters. What matters are the small details. The ones that most don't notice. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that... But I do. <br />
Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-6015895334555495882015-08-01T18:44:00.002-07:002015-08-01T18:57:21.103-07:00An Amazing Find in Yourself Sometimes you can find an amazing, rare bird...and absolutely fall in love with it.You think this bird is phenomenal. You put your faith in watching this bird fly & become what you believe it can.You trust in the bird to see how much you trust it. And the bird loves being with you also! You know it was sent to you by the Highest above & vow to appreciate it's beauty every day..you believe in this bird..all your hopes & dreams are in this bird. You every day strive to give the bird the best you have to offer- making sure that it knows it's value with you. But over time, this bird begins to peck at you. Over years the pecks turn to taking chunks out of you. It hurts you deeper than any other pain & you rationalize it by saying the bird isn't use to the weather here, or the food has changed, or it's not feeling well, and before long- you find making excuses for the bird's behavior to you is what takes the majority of your time up... The beauty you once saw everything in with being attached to this bird--- changes into ownership or feeling disposable...it starts to make you numb if you continue to look at it the same way so you stay numb most of the time (to save the bird which you still love in it's beauty & all you've built with it).However, the bird starts to mock you & you find yourself talking less around it. The bird ridicules your laugh, your thoughts, your looks, everything about you & then the bird that youonce thought was so beautiful- now seems to make you see ugly when you look in the mirror at yourself.You realize that even if you loved this bird with everything you had- you will never be good enough for the bird to want to stay. You have to love yourself more & let this bird go. It needs to fly in it's own direction - away from you. Far away from you. You can believe in good being in that bird somewhere- deep down- but you realize that you are not the one to enjoy it anymore. You're stubborn & believe in the best as long as you can- but eventually you're barely recognizable you're so marked up. You let that bird go & bandage yourself up- knowing that it will take a lot of time & work to heal the wounds the bird intentionally or unintentionally made on you- either way- they are wounds you must address. No one can wrap these wounds for you. You have to soothe them, healing yourself - slowly. Deliberately. Yourself. Over a long period of time. For you see- Sometimes it's not the bird that needs to change...after all- it can't change it's feathers- that bird was born that bird. It likes it's colors & pecking habits. It's what makes that rare bird that rare bird. It's you that needs to change.. You are a woman of worth. A woman of beauty in yourself. You are a woman of value. Any who don't see that- don't need to be in your life.. for they do not deserve to be in your life... You need to switch to a different kind of bird. Eventually. After the right amount of time has passed- where you can see these things in yourself- & maybe...just maybe that different kind of bird will see these things in you. Otherwise- you're ok without a bird around..If it's a smart bird- deserving of your attention & devotion it will see what you are. If not- you've learned- you are fine on your own. <br />
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<a href="http://http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/26939570">http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/26939570</a><br />
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<a href="http://http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/02/pictures/110228-best-pictures-worlds-rarest-birds-ibis-owl-crane-parrot/">http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/02/pictures/110228-best-pictures-worlds-rarest-birds-ibis-owl-crane-parrot/</a>Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-15653386630890087792012-10-10T11:39:00.000-07:002012-10-10T11:39:01.293-07:00EpiphanyI was thinking of sharing my thoughts on a subject and oddly enough the word that kept coming to my mind was "Epiphany".. that's what I feel I've had over the last 6-9 months or so. Ironically the definition of Epiphany is : 1. a Christian festival, observed on January 6,commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day. 2.an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity.<br />
3.a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.4.a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight. The last 2 definitions would be fitting..<br />
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Here's what I find ironic.. my epiphany is over the thoughts on religion/God that I've adjusted. In itself- saying that brings fear of blasphemy. Do I believe there is a higher power at work? Yes. Do I believe everything in life is just a 'big bang'? No. <br />
But over the last (almost) year I find offensive the 'Christian' religion, which I'm sure is where the CYA religious saying of 'Don't focus on religion-focus on RELATIONSHIP with God' comes from. It's bothered me a bit for years, but more so this year. I can not relate the Scriptures with the majority of Christian followers' actions. The intolerance and hate inciting towards various groups in our society ranging from the poor to those just different in various ways... The ideas of "What would Jesus do?" "Love thy neighbor" "help each other" "Be nice" all the ideals portrayed in the Bible are not what I see from this wide group of 'believers'. As I started noticing that, I started looking into facts on other religions, ranging from the Native Americans (who I've always held dear on their principles/way of living), Buddah, Allah, God, etc. I feel there are amazing & similar ideals in 95% of the religions. While the Christian/God version has the best resource (Bible) it also has been altered from the Human race to advance agendas. The fact that chapters written of Scripture have been left out (and very hard to buy/find), and taking into consideration the language barrier/different meanings on interpretation - leaves it...not 'unblemished'. Is it better to take what we can and use it to the betterment of our minds? Absolutely!! Will I NOW take what I can from ALL belief systems and combine it into a Rhapsodyramble way of living- ABSOLUTELY. Am I excited to not be so constrained and able to be LESS imposing (or feel like a failure on 'spreading the gospel')? YES!<br />
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I've always had issue with passing judgments on others and acting like my way was the only way- hence the opinionated way I address issues in Bible Studies & conversations.. I'm focusing on not being narrow minded. I don't feel the Christian way is the only way. I feel that's a very unChristian attitude. I've had an issue for years on the idea that I'm suppose to go up to people and witness to them that their belief is wrong, and if they don't want to burn in hell they need to change their feeling and follow only 'my God'. I believe if there is a higher power he created ALL of the nationalities, ethnicities, cultures, and had a hand in the creativeness of each group. I don't believe he would be so cruel as to create all that has been - and then with the beliefs in each culture damn so many cultures immediately. I personally feel that's the human- especially American way of "I know better than you" and superior attitude we have with so many nations.<br />
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I think back on all the atrocities committed in the name of 'God' and imposing beliefs- and the hypocrisy that holds. Even now, fellow church go-ers come to church showing pictures and talking about their 'mission trips' to other countries and how they had such a God Experience...yet here- in our own country, in our own COUNTY they are selfish, unhelping, judgmental people. There are children in this area who could be positively affected by the actions these people do for 4 days out of the country- but that would take living the principles they claim to follow longer than a few days.. so yes I may be jaded right now- but it's because I'm seeing that the world is not quite so Black lines, White lines, clear cut right way, wrong way.. it's more of a bunch of gray swirlies mixed in and out of the black and white.. and every other color splashed into it. <br />
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So where do I stand? Not as secure in my faith in God, but that there is a bigger picture than I originally was seeing. Do I believe in Heaven? maybe.. could it be a second life somewhere? maybe.. reincarnation? who's to know? I'm not an enlightened being..I'm a searching one and one that's much happier inside with my new thinking.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-74065756542661007652012-07-24T01:59:00.000-07:002015-08-01T19:06:54.534-07:00Less Than a FewHere it is, nearly 4am and I'm under a blanket on the couch with the curser flashing on the computer. I lay down to sleep so tired and find I'm then wide awake needing to write words out. What? You may ask..no clue...yet.. maybe my heart?<br />
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Mean thoughts are very rarely there. I've faced some things in the last year that I can say most would not react rationally. I have discovered that there are 'less than a few'-- I can wholly trust my soul with. I continue to hold true faith & trust in those 'less than few'..for to not do so, would repeat a mistake I promised I would not make a second time.<br />
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I am a big picture person. The temporary thought 99.9% of the time most would choose- I do not. I truly believe in not being the only one that thinks the way I do- there has got to be more out there that feel similarly..however I do not confide my mind's workings to but 'less than a few'- it does not work out..again I go back to true faith & trust. nothing more/nothing less. <br />
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Normal does not apply in my heart. Only the extra-ordinary meaning behind such simple words that carry positive meanings.<br />
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For example a friend finds no value anymore because my life choices are less fun... Or a woman I've admired for so many years as an amazing motherly example removes the connection. I hold no malice. I'm deeply sad. I'm hurt. Confused. Let down. But they need not worry about any betrayal of confidence...I do not hurt others because I'm hurt. I just miss them.<br />
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I remain sad wishing for happier times. I am on a road with hope in the 'less than few'. I have learned however that I need to hope quietly. More times than naught I hear the echo of my plea return empty. Those I love I love forever and that loyalty will always move me to attempt only what would bring them happiness. A gift of what maybe they look for & I can provide. Confidence, respect, love, admiration, laughter. Sometimes being me does not work well for me but I know no other way to be.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-34670824146095095292012-07-13T21:27:00.000-07:002015-08-01T19:06:54.520-07:00A Myriad of EmotionsI was being pulled to write again tonight.. you see I want to share but also want to make sure it's ok to do..yes this is my outlet/safe way to do that. Has been for quite a while but it's the tool that has been given- an invisible cord one might say. <br />
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As I have read and re-read and re-read I can't help shake my head and think "Well HELL.." <br />
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As I was sitting down to type and thinking over all the recent revelations & last few days my mind is spinning. I feel hopeful and then feel stupid for feeling hopeful. I feel so glad and so terrified of feeling glad. I feel happy and nervous I will lose that. I feel excited and then cautious for getting excited. For right now- I will be patient and wait. The ol' familiar keep the walls up until I can see if it's safe... I keep coming back to hope though. And happy. I want to scream, laugh and cry.<br />
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I think I want to go see what I dream- much safer there than awake right now.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-65431469278687376902012-07-07T15:03:00.000-07:002015-08-01T19:06:54.529-07:00Struggles & Strength In WritingI had a dream last night and got to talk to the one I've missed so terribly.. In the dream it was solid and safe as always- and the conversation as sound and clear-- like time had no effect. Which led me to come back & brave a ramble check. The dream must have been my tug to write again. ********************************************************************************* Since the last entry I have gained confidence in my previous ramble. I still feel there would be only one to sound things out with under present circumstances, yet I've seen how alone with my intuition I've made wise decisions. I am finding it very difficult to still write..the need, want & emotion is there but the follow through is like an empty pit-- even now I deeply struggle as I type these words... after watching the curser blink again for minutes I've decided I will write about a few things easier to express! ********************************************************************************* As previously written- my daughter's adored cat Tab died months ago. Struggles hit of recent events and two weeks ago my daughter asked me if she could get another kitten.. So needless to say we went to the Animal Shelter immediately, and spent about 2 hours playing with kittens, testing their temperments with other kittens and chose one --I'll attach a picture below.. she then thought loooonnnggg and hard about a name for about 5 days, settling on Karma. LOL.. as I type THIS part I have a big smile on my face, just imagine us training her around the house (jumping on the table---"BAD Karma", or following us to her food dish for a spoonful of treats "GOOD Karma")!! She likes to put her paw on you- somewhere...anywhere..to assure you are connected. She most often will just put a paw over my daughter's hand or arm while on or by her.. She's a spunky little thing, as most kittens are, but seems to have the Superman jump/flying down really well.. She dove an impossible distance from the couch to land on my daughters plate of food the other night "BAD KARMA"! Daisy and Lily the 1/2 wild cats we adopted have tolerated her barely. Every so often we will hear hissing or see a wild chase end with paws batting her on the head, but overall- it's been a fairly smooth transition. She has for sure put a bright light in my daughter's eyes again & livened the house up quite a bit- the biggest issue we have with her at the time is keeping your toes covered so she can't make you yelp in pain! ********************************************************************************* History: When my son was in elementary school there was a boy named Danial in a wheelchair. I never knew what was wrong with him, but my son would come home & tell me stories of how he'd stood up for the boy against others, stayed in at recess to play with him so he wasn't alone, would trade pokemon cards with him & play, they were good friends.. Danial continued to grow up and in High School my daughter & him became friends. When she would miss her brother they would talk on the phone & Danial would give memories of what 'He' was like to her. She loved hearing stories about him and learning what he was like towards his friends and against unkind people. A week ago Danial had an accident in the bathtub...no one knows for sure what happened but it seems that as he was getting in/out he may have had a seizure & drowned. EMS was able to revive him & sent him to Springfield, but when test results came back there was no brain activity. It rocked this house badly along with the community.. I didn't handle it well- crying at the drop of a hat.. the family took him off life support and made arrangements to harvest the organs so others could live through him. That was one of the most selfless gifts they could give others- and I remember my son wanting to do the same when he left us. He was unable because the cancer was so bad in his body. Danial died on the same day as my son 9 years later. What I try to imagine is my son's amazing smile and the twinkle in his eyes that showed his momma he was up to mischief...waiting for Danial..and Danial getting there...and them hugging or high fiving and zipping around with him showing Danial all the amazing things. No weakness or sickness or looking skeletal from my son, and no wheelchair or handicap or insecurity from Danial.. My son gave him a gift of love & confidence, then he gave it to my daughter, and she will in turn give it to someone else. What life is about, ey? ******************************************************************************** For those I love and miss.. love & miss you.. And watch your toes. ******************************************************************************** <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX2iJ3QEYpL6YewBCidizwb-Wd4ZkWSYO0t7d4Jm9YhutxcxR9cfHhaiU8DfimiirnEvGobrmBQDTJnnEsIc5lFJXVdhgP3JWvAKNy1TtpjqST5rWHCYsAhdjK5_rjOu8312hZ_0CKiY4/s1600/karma+in+ac+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="230" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX2iJ3QEYpL6YewBCidizwb-Wd4ZkWSYO0t7d4Jm9YhutxcxR9cfHhaiU8DfimiirnEvGobrmBQDTJnnEsIc5lFJXVdhgP3JWvAKNy1TtpjqST5rWHCYsAhdjK5_rjOu8312hZ_0CKiY4/s320/karma+in+ac+2.jpg" /></a></div>Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-56432883480723419812012-05-21T22:51:00.002-07:002012-05-21T22:51:32.941-07:00CourageI'm facing something alone right now and thinking about the past wishing I could talk about it with one I've lost.
As I sit here trying to figure out what to say I watch the cursor blink.
I think of family, friends, the community and know that I can not tell a soul.
I've thought about talking to a friend in S about it but don't think he would keep my confidence. That I will not compromise on... as ridiculous as it sounds to type this and hit enter quickly will take a lot of courage. But it will make me feel a little better. I don't care if it's selfish or stupid. More than likely it will never be read & that is ok.
The air. My best friend.
Understanding. Wisdom.
..was going to try a poem but sleep is calling.
Thinking of our talks, priorities, views on living, knowing we usually approach those the same..I picture telling you & your eyes. Watching your thought process working through the 'if you were in my position'.. big picture down the road.. I wish I could think of someone safe & have a set of arms to cry in. Sometimes you keep secrets out of love for those you love so very much. I will continue to think on these things.. & be strong for those that need me.. And hit enter.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-39398714770581719502012-03-23T22:37:00.003-07:002015-08-01T19:06:54.525-07:00Words of Tomorrow...It's been a while since I've read a published book that's spellbinding. I've lost myself over the last week in the Hunger Games books. I found myself reading at any chance I could get- while stirring supper on the stove, while waiting for the gas to fill up in the jeep, while putting on makeup in the morning, etc. The characters in the book became quickly entwined & buried in my heart. Partly because I could identify with them and party because the story was so enthralling. Toward the end of the book when certain things happened I found myself setting the book down and crying my heart out using up a box of tissues. While some may laugh at my.. emotions distress over fictional characters- I know when others read the book- they will understand. I found myself so attached to them that I read the credits at the end and the copyright information just so I wouldn't have to put the book down... just.. yet.. Needless to say- I highly recommend the series. <br />
<br />
Over the last few months I've faced some hardships that have left me a bit more cautious? numb? unwilling? to take life as I use to. I don't read the local paper, reach out, communicate as much. More quiet & reserved.. I don't write anymore or sing,(haven't been on here since Jan). Part of me feels it's due to just being tired of being someone that so many look to for guidance & help. I'm worn out physically & emotionally. There's part of me that realizes I've buried myself in social issues to avoid the losses I feel. Then again, that's me... Nothing gets me fired up & feeling alive like fighting for the underdog or children or wrongdoings. I was suppose to fly to Denver this weekend and last Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday I was so upset over this 'impending doom' feeling that I was in tears & unable to eat by Wednesday.. and changed my flight so I could stay home. I don't know if it was in regards to leaving my daughter here- some sort of premonition of her needing me? or just from the emotional state of not blocking out losses & difficulties I've faced lately. For all these reasons combined... I'm down for the count. I feel I've reached my breaking point & today was the catalyst- Losing the book- losing the characters..the temporary connection I'd missed & felt..<br />
<br />
Today has been a day of letting myself sink into the despair & missing you pretty intensely. Knowing tomorrow I will get back up. In my awareness of myself- I know that it will not be a quick recovery- every day shoots physical pains through me if I think about you. I find it hard to breath & it's hard to think at all. I accept that I'm in an odd depression that I haven't encountered before. Although I haven't written anything since January out of survival instinct, I felt after reading those books I needed to reach out..to that lifeline in the leaves. <br />
<br />
I've thought long and hard on the human spirit. How the potential that a human heart has can't be explained & that some take for granted- is by far the most amazing and powerful force of nature. I remember when I was very young, I use to repeat a phrase over and over to myself, and when all else fails, it forces me beyond what I normally feel capable of. I then combine it with another saying that is one of my favorites. With that, I promise to myself and those that love me- tomorrow I will start repeating them over and over. I will pull myself out of this quicksand that feels pretty damn warm. I'll sign off with words of tomorrow...<br />
<br />
Be Strong.<br />
So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-45804713061339998522012-01-09T21:53:00.000-08:002015-08-01T19:07:13.927-07:00Can't think of a titleSometimes I just want to scream it. <br />
<br />
LITERALLY.<br />
<br />
As loud as I can. <br />
<br />
I can occupy myself with a million people...projects<br />
...be as busy as I can make myself until I drop but it changes nothing.<br />
<br />
It doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life- <br />
<br />
in fact I'm grateful for where I am..<br />
<br />
this is nonetheless the facts... <br />
<br />
I.<br />
<br />
Miss.<br />
<br />
You!!!<br />
<br />
So very much. <br />
<br />
I wish I had you back in my life. <br />
<br />
It surprises me how much I still talk to you in my dreams<br />
<br />
& how much I still sob broken hearted <br />
<br />
over the void that you have left in my life.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-80823147012940473102011-12-13T22:18:00.000-08:002015-08-01T19:07:28.027-07:00Loss<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ4t_-tdtia7FlNL7GFJQ4DesApMGq72myP04sCSLxNPgtmsNTWKobJbr5HpNtw462C7pT4S0sR411DHuhBJe5qZBOm8N4Mhbq7R1W3kjWnCl7kXI4MvMEI0pqvhyphenhyphenPWvb_a9JBk2RwA8w/s1600/14234_1260405159946_1524185253_1646849_8382819_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ4t_-tdtia7FlNL7GFJQ4DesApMGq72myP04sCSLxNPgtmsNTWKobJbr5HpNtw462C7pT4S0sR411DHuhBJe5qZBOm8N4Mhbq7R1W3kjWnCl7kXI4MvMEI0pqvhyphenhyphenPWvb_a9JBk2RwA8w/s320/14234_1260405159946_1524185253_1646849_8382819_n.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Tabitha Marie Cameron<br />
May 2003- December 10, 2011<br />
<br />
She was my daughter's saving Grace after my son/her brother died. She had gone into a deep depression..and I guess so had I. I found her & brought her home & watched her eyes light up- which in turn made my eyes light up again also. She carried that little kitten everywhere, cuddled & poured her heart out to her. When she would cry, Tab would run over to her & rub on her to cheer her up- most of the time right under the face to make her look up. She loved to make bread on us, & when she would be curled up on us she would roll over so we would rub her stomach. She loved chasing the squirrels & trying to catch the birds. She LOVED car rides...and those at the drive thru windows would get such a kick out of seeing a CAT just content as can be in the back windows or stretched out on the seat. I could say "Tab lets go for a ride" and up she'd go. She would swipe at us on top of the frig. She would play tag with my daughter and jump up & bite her on the butt- then turn and run away. All my friends called her "Psycho kitty" because she would be loving & purr one minute and then hiss & be crabby the next. But man did she have an awesome personality. She wouldn't stay inside for anything.. yet would stay in our large yard. A dog did what was natural to him..and attacked her in our yard. I'm glad it was me not my daughter that found her..but both our hearts are broken. <br />
<br />
She was the absolute most special & unique cat I have ever met. <br />
Her loss is our loss. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioOuchFHJNpPjxhDozFx2rvntqVrcoXdl5GFNI0AhCxpQu0iAcBInxc9ag6HtCFWk38s_asaYXfSVDRuTi5FbaN3jZPeepqOhmX1fU4KuuuqOop0eQeSfM6aOuZnb3tc9PS4CEiuzbKmE/s1600/photo%25282%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="239" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioOuchFHJNpPjxhDozFx2rvntqVrcoXdl5GFNI0AhCxpQu0iAcBInxc9ag6HtCFWk38s_asaYXfSVDRuTi5FbaN3jZPeepqOhmX1fU4KuuuqOop0eQeSfM6aOuZnb3tc9PS4CEiuzbKmE/s320/photo%25282%2529.JPG" /></a></div>Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-54152656035455098022011-11-21T21:05:00.000-08:002015-08-01T19:07:13.932-07:00What I want for Christmaswritten on November 21, 2011<br />
One time you have a bond with someone that is beyond time & words... the absolute best friend you can tell anything too, hopes, dreams, funny stories, feelings,things you've learned, share advice with. You know they feel your pains or have a smile and enjoy listening to you & then sharing the same back- knowing you are reciprocating. That one that 'understands' and you're just in 'sync'. of course you can have all different kinds of connections with all different kinds of people..and they are all unique and special..but there's that one that is truly a friendship like no other before or since.<br />
<br />
There are times I get very angry and hurt and wonder why our friendship stopped with no warning. The nights I can't sleep trying to nail down what I did or said wrong. Was I to honest? Did I offend? Too much of a glimpse at 'me'? Too emotional? What was seen that I was not worthy? Where did I fail? What did I miss? Should I have done more? For the trust I gave was deeper than any other and matches the deep hurt. Honestly in my life I have never trusted that much. I poured my heart and soul into words like I've never done before and lost that day what I cherished beyond description. I often wonder if I would not respond and show back how insignificant I felt if reached out to again..or if I would immediately reply out of sheer elation..or if I would shed tears from euphoria...or if we would pick back up a few steps back like nothing had happened..or would we talk about it..no clue.. I have invested so much of my soul..usually so skeptical yet now berating myself for being naive. Would I believe again or lose what was real by not believing again? What would prevent a blindside from happening again? Trust. Again. A scary thought for one who doesn't trust easily. I thought I was as cherished as the one I cherished.
<br />
My heart hurts still over the loss, my head is a mess, my soul feels empty, my eyes hurt from crying. This is the second most painful loss in life. It's been months struggling to survive normally. Will I be able to overcome this grief? The shell I hide in may not be necessarily a bad place. Maybe the mental walls I've had all these years were needed. <br />
<br />
There are many days..nights..and times I think about how rare & special it was and miss it more than any words could give justice in describing. IF I had a wish- any wish at all- it would be to have THAT... back.
<br /> just want it back..Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-76042400959681896502011-09-28T07:03:00.000-07:002015-08-01T19:07:13.937-07:00My Duel PersonalitiesI see neglect and bad circumstance when I go to do the interviews for the needy program I volunteer for.. and I see the hope and feel the hugs..the cynical side of me says I'm giving them false hope- that chances for them are slim- but the optimist that comes out when I'm not so tired...she has faith that love and effort can turn anything around. <br />
<br />
I feel the pain during holidays of missing my son and wishing he was here for me to see. This will be my 8th Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. The mere thought has the potential to bring me to my knees- but making it a happy holiday for my daughter forces me to stand. Personality #2 wishes at times that I could have that breakdown that I see others do... where they are so immersed in their needs for comfort- they force others to care for them. I think it's a natural need to be consoled at times- but it never seems an appropriate time. I always make sure I'm by myself..because I can't put others through that confusion and helplessness that I know is felt.. yes- that would be personality #1... lol.. <br />
<br />
P #1 wishes I had 'normal' 'involved' parents that I could call and have heart to heart talks with..and P#2 says this is fine the way it is..nice and quiet- no hassles or conflicts. <br />
<br />
P #1 wants the solitude of the woods right now so badly I could scream..and P#2 is so grateful for this outlet of technology that I've come to depend on.<br />
<br />
P#1 wants to depend on someone- count on them with complete vulnerability and P#2 says live for yourself- you've tried that ball of wax-don't be naieve.<br />
<br />
P #1 wants to be gone from here and experience the other realms the soul will travel and rest and P#2 says there's so much I need to do here- I'll never be ready to go. <br />
<br />
P#1 wants to be held for hours and nap and P#2 wants to get a long list of things done. <br />
<br />
P#1 remembers the pain, humiliation and degrading actions against her last year at Thanksgiving and the separation-almost divorce that came so close.. and feels the need to be strong this holiday- steel strong.. and P#2 says I have seen big changes- some that I never thought would actually happen...and this Thanksgiving I must close my eyes and step off the cliff... and hope that I'm caught.<br />
<br />
I was watching this movie tonight- and I think sometimes I'm just a damn schitzo. lol.. yaya- well personality #2 says shuddit. I watch these sometimes and I roll my eyes. Then there are other times I cry from the sweetness of them.. I have no concept of the conventional idea of 'love'. I can say I've experienced what I believe to be love twice- however, neither case was the 'normal kind' you see in movies or hear about from friends. I can love from far away as powerfully as I devote myself in close proximity- in my mind there need not be difference. I think there's a lot of ways you can love- none necessarily better than the other- as long as it's true. P #1 says - The heart's potential is so boundless-whether in friendship, love, compassion, understanding, consideration... P#1 understands intentions..therefore when my feelings are hurt... and then P#2 really wishes the 'other' would devote that same devotion to paying attention to needs I may have.. and make similar sacrifices to not hurt me. <br />
<br />
The distance issue, seems almost comical at this juncture in my life- for it's that distance that P#1 once considered safe- and now P#2 resents. P#1 wonders long term if I would be ok day in and day out with someone I love..but P#2 also has this feeling deep inside that is one thing that due to circumstances of one kind or another- I will never find out. P#1 wants that experience more than anything and is so fearful of not having that great 'living with someone' love.. but P#2 has found peace in that feeling it'll never be.. for the other part of me truly believes that since there are so many experiences and loves of so many kinds out there- this is just plainly my path.<br />
<br />
But for a little bit- Personality #1 says- My heart is scared, missing certain loves and hurting. However, Personality #2 says I am the eternal optimist- and will always find the bright side of whatever love I am lucky enough to have for those breathtaking moments... because what else is life for?Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-29279418333355623262011-09-17T23:14:00.000-07:002015-08-01T19:07:13.922-07:00Blankie in the Intricate Wooden ChestThe last few months I've been making an effort to meditate outside at night. There are times I'll go to a friend of mines lake lot and sit and listen to the water lap the shore, and other times I'll sit on my back porch and listen to the breeze and crickets. It's a beautiful chilly night here finally- fall is my absolute favorite time of the year.. As I was sitting outside tonight with my head back against the chair's back, I noticed the stars are absolutely amazing tonight. More beautiful than any other night I've seen yet.. with my knees curled up with my warm blue blanket wrapped around me keeping my toes warm, I came to an epiphany of sorts..<br />
<br />
You know that expression "Some people are a season, some are a year, some are a lifetime" etc.. tonight I broke that down into a lot more. I think in relationships there are so many levels of symbolism. <br />
<br />
There are not only seasons but climates, and even perhaps tools in those seasons and climates. For example sometimes I am in a warm beautiful breeze on a perfect 70s day.. and feel the heat soaking in and it feels so good.. I have never been happier. I can reach out and feel the deck boards underneath my arms and love the coarseness of them because they make me feel alive. I can look at the trees through someone else's eyes and believe they are beautiful again until I see them that way. I can smell the rain coming from miles away and look forward to the difference of the cold rain falling down on me. <br />
<br />
If I was to vacation in a tropical area where the weather is so predictable and safe that I don't have any concerns for the rough weather I'd had before. I was thinking it was going to stay sunny and pretty, and unexpectedly it's not sun.. it's not even rain or cloudy- it's a ice blizzard. I am unprepared and my shoes are slipping. I look around and there is nothing to grab because I wasn't ready for the ice storm- hell I don't think I even had a coat or warm socks in the jeep! lol I'm in that blizzard freezing cold so miserable and the weatherman says this is going to last a while. So I make the choice to do the only thing I can - say "Wow.. wasn't expecting this!" and push on. I realize that the weather is pretty much the same no matter what the climate may seem to promise- so I stay prepared. <br />
<br />
And then again- that perfect weather day comes back and the weatherman says that is the weather that will be sticking around for a while. I know that the safe weather is to be enjoyed while it's meant to be, but the blizzard will come again<br />
<br />
When I'm in those blizzards, it's the most special thing in the world to dig through treasured things in boxes & find that soft blue, cuddly warm, comfy blankie... I can wrap that around myself. I can unplug it for a little while on those warmer, spring/summer days and maybe even pack it away in the beautiful wooden chest, but then when I need it, I can pull it out and wrap it around for the warmth. <br />
<br />
Tonight I pulled my blue comfy warm blanket out of that beautiful wooden chest & I wrapped it around myself for warmth again. It was nice to feel it with me again. To get lost for a little while in the memories of something dear & that made me feel secure for so long. I will pack it away again with a wonderful smile and sweetness in my heart for how special it is as I go to bed tonight, and miss it for a while.. <br />
<br />
When I have that super comfy blanket packed away in that gorgeously made, intricate wooden chest.. knowing it's there may bring a sadness that I am not having that familiar feel with me, but knowing that I am or will be out in the sun enjoying the weather while I can soon brings a different kind of reassurance. I know that that comfy blue blanket needs it's own care & am glad that there are no moths or mice slowly breaking down it's beauty that I cherish so much. If there was a slight tear or snag in it-I'm glad to mend it or hope that a seamstress can do it in my place. I'm grateful that it's being so well cared for in that wooden box, because I know the precious value it holds. I may have those fears that someone will see that old blanket and think it's no good, maybe toss it.. or forget that it meant something so special to me and pack it away.. but in part of trying to stay prepared I count on it being there in the wooden chest in the next blizzard....and the blanket counts on me to be prepared to mend it's tears or mice holes- whatever the next season may bring..Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-11685810168528026422011-06-14T00:30:00.000-07:002012-07-21T19:30:38.159-07:00Worth MoreThere are some- ok..maybe 3- that I hold in such high regard that when they hurt me deeply it leaves me literally nauscious. On the humorous side, it's helped me lose 5 lbs so far this month. I keep myself very guarded in 99% of my situations in an odd calculating formula. While I'm very open and loving to everyone- in the back of my head I am also reserved. I've had to work on that a lot in the last few years...not being so withdrawn. I would say there were probably two very impacting things that happened in my first 5 years as a child. I can remember around age 4 waking up with a black shape on me and I couldn't breath. I remember I was gasping for air and trying to scream and nothing would come out. I had no air for minutes and was struggling to breath small breaths and not die. I remember the black shape then got up quickly off me and left through the door and I was able to draw breath to scream. I remember my mom running in my room & me trying to explain to her what had just happened- and I remember her saying it was a dream & to go back to sleep. She didn't stay in there long with me- I do remember immediately getting tucked back in and her leaving the door cracked and me staring petrified waiting for him to come back through. It wasn't a dream. The second memory I was about 5 and was when my dad left. I remember them arguing and me sitting in the rocking chair rocking my baby sister trying to keep her quiet & thinking if we were quiet it would help them stop fighting and they would be able to work it out. I went down the hall when it was quieter and saw a suitcase. My dad said he was going on a business trip and he wasn't sure when he'd see me again. I remember crying and begging him to stay and holding onto his leg and he pulled me away from him and walked out. <br />
<br />
I only bring up these because in the last month I've been thinking about why I hold such...powerful? unmoveable? value with those few I trust with my complete self. Analyzing my earliest memories of security, safety, trust, abandonment, talking- unfortunately brings back at times more than I wish I could remember. And in theory it explains a lot about why I have such issues. It's made me who I am today- good, bad, mixed up- whatever the case may be. However, If I say it- I mean it. What others may say- they may not. While I may pour my heart out being completely vulnerable & open to those very few- I may have been alone in doing so. My friends joke about how non-judgmental I am-'too patient & understanding'...that's what I've searched and hope for-- others that hold those same characteristics in such high regard. Acceptance...and not being left. Especially with no explaination. First my dad, then Mom, husband- silence. It use to be what he would do to break me down- because he knew what no response meant to me- that I wasn't worth it- I didn't matter. Now another that I believed was so very much more different- is not.<br />
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I can rationalize, put myself in another's place- think compassionate things, make excuses for why someone will be intentionally hurtful toward me..disregard any pretense of concern.. I did it for 15 years with the man I married until I couldn't any longer. So imagine how long I could do that again with friends I care so much for? Less. <br />
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I said 15 years and I've been married for 17. It may have taken me a while-but I do learn... In the last 2 years I have grown- I guess you could say my emotional state was stunted or on pause. Many things happened along the way and I tried to adapt and make the best of it- always looking on the bright side- even when 'normal' people would have quit. I had help re-claiming my self from some I considered beyond special to me.. I have got to start giving myself credit for who I am also. I for many years credited everyone around me- but me..I was not worthy of that-that's been shown. Yet when I look- I am the only one who remains- the one common factor in the equation. Does the importance of those around me diminish? Absolutely not- the value & cherished place I have still is there. But when those I value so highly repeat the 'you are not worth' actions- I have 2 choices- quit (which I have considered) or tread water until I can start swimming again... <br />
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But I can now acknowledge, I am a strong woman. And I am determined to not allow myself to be 'disregarded', disrespected & feel as I am nothing again. <br />
I don't deserve silence. I am worth words. <br />
I'm not a time filler or unimportant. I feel. I am worth genuine emotion. <br />
I am not rude. I am worth manners. <br />
I care & am a good woman. I am worth consideration. <br />
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I am worth the tiniest bit of effort... Yes- I can objectively look at myself and say the advantage for those having me in their life is that I 'expect' so very little --yet give so very much. The barest consideration counts for so much with me because of my history. And 'now' that I am this woman- when I am treated callously... <br />
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Will I be accepting & forgiving if an effort is made? Absolutely- that is my heart. <br />
Will I beg? No. <br />
Will I continue to try to reach out and ask why? No. <br />
Will I be sick still? Yep. It's amazing the impact felt physically & emotionally.<br />
Do I cry myself to sleep on some nights because I don't understand what "I" did wrong? Yes. <br />
Would I respond if reached out to now? I don't know. <br />
Will I ever have this wound in my soul healed or will it be a lingering scar? <br />
I don't know that either. <br />
<br />
I have driven myself crazy with the pain in trying to figure this out. <br />
I can only come back to -- it's not mine to figure out. <br />
I know who I am & treat those I care for with value. <br />
Those I've been 'me' with - know this also.<br />
I will force myself to find my dignity again. <br />
I will find my footing and get back up.<br />
Why? <br />
Because I am worth more.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-59132757814181788872011-06-09T08:54:00.000-07:002011-06-09T08:54:58.381-07:00Watching a MiracleLast night I had the honor of helping to bring a human life into the world. A very sweet younger girl that I have grown close to was going into labor. She wanted her mom there and also wanted me there. I have had two children, and each time of course was on the other side of the situation- in those two cases you of course are so consumed with pain & don't get to 'see' the event take place step by step. I was deeply touched that she would want me there, let alone want me assisting and helping with the entire process. I can't explain how absolutely honored I feel to be a part of that new life beginning. It was something I will never forget and always cherish. It was stunning, beautiful, so special. Her mom was on one side & I was on the other, both holding her legs and encouraging- at times firmly to "dig in".. the breathing & pushing. Over the process of a few hours, when his head crowned- I remember thinking- what a miracle I am actually watching take place! Then his face emerged, and the doctor suctioned the nose & mouth, and with a few more pushes his entire healthy beautiful little body came out. As the doctor placed him on her chest for her to see, I saw two tears slide down her cheek - as she gazed at her creation. I remember that moment with both of my children- it's one that will be seared in her mind for all her life. He was absolutely perfect. His weight was 8.13- 20.25".. a solid very healthy & handsome boy. When he was under the sun lamp I stayed with her while the 'brand new grandma' went over to coo over her grandson.. when she returned to her daughter's side I went over to admire him and noticed the little fella was trying oh so hard to open and focus his eyes, he knew there were new noises to pay attention to and oh how hard he was trying. He cried on and off but for the most part he was attentive to the sounds and trying very much to see, and after about 30 minutes he mastered that- eyes stayed focused & open. It was one of many things I hope to have the priveledge to watch him master in the coming years- it was an amazing night I will never forget.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-52171901857299409352011-01-17T15:17:00.000-08:002011-01-17T18:10:27.086-08:00I will be trueI just finished reading a novel that is very special to me...there will be more books to come, I'm sure.. I hope..for the characters are very dear to me. <br />Tonight, I watched a movie that was very profound. In it, over great time there was a friendship & love-- and it didn't seem like it would have a happy ending- yet it did. I've been thinking over them both and had some big revelations..maybe not..I think I have come to the same conclusions once again..but they merit being put into words. The story of life will not have just a happy ending or a sad one..because it all depends on where you stop... and what you focus on.<br /><br />The cards that we are dealt in life- and the cards we choose to fold on- or play on.. determine our path. Life has brought me struggles, laughter, disappointment, joy, and this last year I've found who I am- and been brave enough to show 'her'. I've learned that I am acceptable- even lovable. Through that revelation, I've learned that I can stand on my own- and nurture relationships that are good for me. I've seen changes for the better in those I love around me-- in reaction to my choices. While I may yearn for the quiet soul..to relax.. to just 'be'.. that isn't in my hand of cards yet. When I have those peaceful moments with someone.. they are cherished even more..<br /><br />We can not know for certain what the hands we play or the cards we are dealt will bring- but we know we must play them to the fullest. For if we do not- we have done a disservice to being given the choice....<br /> <br />Our children will be here with us for a time- and we must do our best to cherish and guide them the best we can- while we are able. When I hold my daughter, like I did the other night and she cries in my arms- or when I tease her and make her laugh--or explain some things in life.. I'm so deeply grateful for where I am. Memories and love is the greatest gift we can give to anyone. Our spouse is who we have been joined to, we must devote ourselves to the fullest we are able. Our friends we must be here for- through the battles of life. Our enemies we must show integrity and character to- for that is what sets us apart from them. Those less fortunate than us- we must try to help- for it is oftentimes through us that there is hope shown. To 'life' we owe these things.. for those of us that have seen death and lost loved ones- it's a disrespect we show if we choose to not do these things.<br /><br />I don't know when my time will be up.. I don't want to know. I still have dreams - and whether they become a reality or not- time will tell... I'm unique. If I believe ..I will do everything in my power... my goals are to show those in my life understanding, devotion and caring. I hope those that love me will do the same... I have many flaws... and will continue trying to improve on them...I will be true...to life.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-38490964766948193712010-12-20T19:06:00.000-08:002010-12-20T20:49:03.569-08:00From a Battery CommercialI was watching a battery commercial where there were kids in the hospital and they were playing with toys run by that 'brand' of battery. In that commercial was a little boy that looked about 10 sitting in a hospital bed and playing with a remote control truck and just smiling and laughing so big.. it took me back to the Christmas we spent in Childrens Hospital. You would think it would be a traumatizing event..and it wasn't fun- don't misunderstand me..but it was pure. <br /><br />What I mean by that is the staff in the hospital did so much to make it look all Christmassy..did their very best to be 'extra cheerful and positive'..there were groups that evidently had donated all kinds of different things, toys, crafts, books, etc... they had carts and would push them into each child's room on the isolation/oncology floor. The kids would get to pick out a few 'new' things to play with. I remember watching them roll the carts in and my son sat up so excited with that big dimpled grin on his face.. I remember him looking at me with those wide, blue, sparkling eyes and jumping off the bed to get to the carts...as if it was HIS Christmas morning.. I remember watching in adoration as he picked up toys and things and looked at them- trying to decide which three he would get.. leggos?? remote control truck?? books?? Spiderman art kit? <br /><br />No.. he picked up a princess barbie and a baby doll..I remember him turning to me and saying "Since you can't take me to the store I want you to take these home and give them to Ella (his personal nickname he'd given his 4 year old sister)..tell her I love her and I wish I was there".. for the third present I encouraged him to get something for himself- and he picked out this awesome art/drawing kit on Spiderman & DC characters. I remember his eyes searching mine for encouragement and approval..and I remember saying "I think you may need to wrap those for her honey- what do you think?" and the sadness was 'passed over' so we could focus on making her presents look super special. He was always very artistic and he kind of designed his own wrapping paper by piecing different ones together and making her gift tags very unique. <br /><br />The hospital gave him a blood transfusion to boost his counts and we were lucky enough to be able to go home on Christmas Eve- and I remember how happy he was to be able to put those presents under the tree. He was SO excited to see her open them.. <br />On Christmas morning when she was opening them up- she of course loved the baby doll- and when she opened the princess barbie she said "Oooh!!" and she didn't want to take it out of the box!! She loved it so much- that she didn't want to have her hair messed up. (Her dad & brother collected action figures- and even at 4 she knew that leaving it in the box meant it was super special..lol..) she still has it.. The gift of the giving and the message of love in that gift- is monumental to us all.<br /><br />I remember that following January- my 29th birthday.. he had to have emergency shunts put in his kidneys- and I was alone at the hospital when they rushed him in for the procedure. I dropped on my knees shaking so badly and praying so intensely..I can only imagine what the casual passerby must have thought of me.. much later on when he came to and had processed things he was almost crying because I had been alone and it was my birthday. Of course he was reassured that all that mattered to me was that HE was with me- and we would celebrate it later. In the next few days he drew me the most special birthday card and I carry it with me in my wallet every day. It says "Don't expect a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.." and you open it up and it says "Because for 29 years of goodness..we got you a pot of LOVE".. very clever for a 10 year old!! Baby- that's all a momma can ask for.. thank you..<br /><br />By Mothers Day - he was not doing well at all. We were still in the hospital. I had gone to a brief meeting with the medical team on the next round of radiation that we were going to try - and when I got back to his room his bed was empty. I had seen all those movies of the mother running around panicking and always swore "I" would never act like that.. however- I did.. that 'where is my son' answered with--no one knew.. I stayed calm though.. I focused on the fact that we had been at that hospital nearly a year- so many staff in so many departments on all floors- knew us.. he would be recognized.. my chief concern was that if he was out of bed for long...well- he didn't have a lot of strength...<br /><br />so the elevator dings and he comes sliding his IV tower out in front of him and shuffling toward me- and I can tell he's tired. He hides the gift bag behind him and I helped him into the bed while being very stern in how he CAN NOT do that to me again. He said he had to go down to the main floor to get something and asked if I could step outside for a minute. He had used some money family had given him, and had gotten me three things for Mothers Day.. he got me a white puppy stuffed animal- because he wanted me to have something to cuddle with when I slept on the window/bench by his bed, he got me a stuffed monkey that we named Benny - and he helped me hang it on the jeep rear-view mirror when we went home from that trip, and a keychain that says "Believe".. which we hooked around Benny's neck on the mirror.. he felt so accomplished and proud of himself. I was so happy to see him like that and every time he would look at me on our trips back and forth to St Louis the monkey was with us on the mirror... and we'd include "Benny" in on our conversations.. "Benny is getting sick of this jeep ride" or "Benny says we need ice cream"..and 7 years later- Benny is still with me in my jeep. Benny will stay with me.<br /><br />I miss my son. I could know what he was feeling without words. To say our souls were the same..or linked- would be a very fair statement that any who knew us would agree on.. I remember the day he was 6 and came in from a boy hitting him & knocking his glasses off- he was trying not to cry..and Lord knows- I don't like to fight either.. but I folded his glasses up for him and he looked up at me with that questioning look.. and I said "Go knock his lights out- I'm watchin ya babe"...he trudded out there and stood up for himself..and when the boy pushed him again- he punched him square in the nose.. the kid was 2 years older than him, and laid there stunned.. I brought them both out ice cream...and they were best friends from that day until he passed away.. <br /><br /> I can only imagine the impact he would have made in all his years on earth- but I have SEEN the impact he has made in the very FEW years he was here on earth..and his pure heart and loving nature...people still tell stories of how pure his love was..<br /> <br />I'm blessed to be able to be happy 90% of the time- even when I am thinking of him and missing him. While telling of these memories yes- I may have shed tears- but through them I was smiling in love. Brought on tonight..from a battery commercial.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-38953470779037037762010-12-14T20:35:00.000-08:002010-12-17T09:55:43.470-08:00HolesI've heard the expression said that "There is a hole in your heart that only God can fill" and I can understand that. <br /><br />I would follow that with there is a hole in your heart that only certain people that you love can fill- whether it's loves, friends, family, or your children.. without those people that you have come to hold so dear and rely on in your daily life.. things seem less full. There is that black abyss hole where that person once filled--- with laughter, memories, things you would look forward to together.<br />We all know life can be fulfilling in so many areas- but missing those loves now gone .. that is a hole that no one else can fill. <br /><br />In one sense, it's poetic justice- because that shows the highest value you hold that person- yet on the other hand the most intense pain- that at some times- is so difficult to handle I almost wish it had never been..almost.<br /><br /> Do I choose to focus on the holes? No...I keep busy, but there is always a dull nagging ache. The missed communication, shared laughter, jokes, stories- just being a part of 'life' together..But for tonight...tears fall... the holes are there- unfilled.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-44094971200623681372010-12-12T21:36:00.000-08:002010-12-13T14:19:21.693-08:00What drives you?Today was one of those days where at the end of it I have just enough left to say "WOW"..<br /><br /> I guess it goes back to Saturday. Saturday a friend had a free nights stay at the Crowne Plaza reserved, and unexpectedly needed to go to a funeral. She didn't want it to go to waste-so asked if I wanted to use it. I thought about the insanely stressful week I've had--ABSOLUTELY! My daughter and I grabbed a friend of hers-- and up we headed! We got to Springfield about 2, checked in, changed and headed to the mall. Now, anyone who knows me knows I truly hate shopping. But I had my daughter and her friend with me- and they wanted the MALL! lol.. so we went. What drove me on going there? Wanting to make her happy.. It actually went pretty well- I got a few things for her, hubby & friends and then made some calls lining up volunteers for the Angel Tree. We went to eat at Lonestar..that's one of my absolute favorite restraunts! What drove me there??.... making ME happy! :-) The waiters were putting these pitchers of ice above me on my booth wall and the girls kept holding their breath and all wide eyed waiting for it to tip on me.. I'd hold my breath and hold really still- they were laughing so hard!! There was this cute young man serving that the girls were giggling over. My daughter said "He's too cute for me to ask his name." and I said "Whoa!!There is no reason to not be confident in yourself to NOT ask a question." (Now keep in mind, my beautiful daughter has just now spent all her money at the mall...and we are heading to the bookstore next. The Bookstore is one of our favorite places.) So I said, "I dare you to ask him 2 questions. Each question is worth $2.50... you ask him what his name is...and you ask him when his birthday is." She mulled this over the rest of the dinner, and kept looking at me. I'd raise my eyebrow and smile and say "It's totally up to you hon." On leaving, she went up to him and asked him both questions...he was surprised but answered both and at the end she said "thanks!!" and hightailed it out of there. What drove her? Money.. what drove me? Boosting her confidence. We went to the bookstore and then back to the Crowne. We decided to go swimming and spend time relaxing in the hottub. What drove me? The desperate need to finally relax! When we got back to the room and were ready for bed, we rented Salt on ppv..was a great action flick but iffy on the story. What drove us to do that? Boredom. lol..<br /><br /> This morning we woke up to one hell of a blizzard. It was blowing like mad out - and I knew when we got on the highway- we were in trouble. That was a scary ride home. Visibility was nil - at best 30 ft and at many times 10 ft. Every few miles there were vehicles in the ditches.. I was so scared I would do something wrong. I got off at the Raymond exit thinking I know the roads and if I needed there were friends at certain distances I could go to. The road was shutoff by troopers and there were 2 semis jacknifed, 4 cars in ditches and even a firetruck in a ditch. The police let me through but with the vehicles spread out - I literally couldn't see where to drive. I sat there for a few minutes scared to go forward - fearing I'd end up off the road and in a ditch myself..and also scared I'd be plowed into from behind...what drove me? Fear. <br /><br />The girls were quiet the whole way and I would catch my daughter watching me intently and her concerned looks in the rearview mirror..and I'd give calm directions on where I needed her to keep eyes out and give a calm smile.. 'it will be just fine'.. inside I was terrified- but what drove me? Hiding it & wanting her to feel safe. That ride home it really hit again that although she's a teen that 'doesn't need mom' most of the time (which is fine- I encourage her independent thinking)....she looks to me for safety and security still- when it hits the fan- I'll be there calmly reassuring her & being strong for us... until I can be that puddle of goo..<br /> <br />What would normally be an hour drive, ended up being a 2 hour drive- but I took that "slow and steady wins the race" mindframe. My daughter may have had to pry my hands from the steering wheel when we got home- but we made a great team- they watched behind me to let me know if a car was coming out of the blizzard to hit my back end and I watched the front. We had been home about 30 min. and I got a call for help to get a friend from a stuck car back home. My jeep and I are known to not stay down long in town..So I went and got her and took her home..what drove me then? Concern..<br /><br />Later in the afternoon I went to the Angel Tree pickup...we know how desperate these parents get on pickup day. Usually they are in line for HOURS before we open the doors. We have explained to them all over and over..your bag is NOT going anywhere- we have each bag specifically designed for the child's needs.. but when you are in the 'needy' or 'destitute' category- the system is always worked out for that "First come first get" mentality. Desperation drove us & them to get there- and my team and I opened EARLY to get them in and HOME safe as soon as possible. <br />Out of 250 kids- all but 20 parents came on a blizzard day. Where hwy 16 and 127 were closed- because it was so bad...they were scared their kids wouldn't get the things they needed- and they came anyway. We have another pickup day scehduled for the other parents. <br /><br />We got so many "God bless you"'s ... a woman came up and hugged me and said "My kids couldn't have Christmas without you doing this." and we even had another couple give us a Christmas card with a note of thanks inside it.. I got so many hugs and almost crying moms that day.. hope drove them there..and hope will drive them home... now THAT is what it's all about. Overall- that right THERE is what drives me. <br /><br />Even writing this blog- in a way is about what drives me. Keeping some form of contact with people who aren't in my 'everyday' life... <br />So for a few days..just think about this.. what drives you? The 'What' and 'Why' may change- but being driven...nope..that never will..Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-25754612455254036592010-12-07T12:35:00.001-08:002010-12-08T19:33:09.746-08:00GesturesGestures- tonight I sit at home and relax - which was totally unscheduled. Tonight was going to be my last night working Angel Tree- I had to 'check my list twice' and make sure all bags are accounted for. But one of my 13 yr old daughter's very close friends woke up this morning and found his mom had passed away from some heart issues--very unexpectedly. My daughter and I found out today- I at work, and she at school... I figured she wouldn't take it well- and I was right. It brings back many painful memories for both of us on that intense loss of someone so precious to you-and the mourning process that someone we care for is now going to go through. She got in the car after volleyball and we hadn't pulled out of the lot before she was struggling not to cry. She brought up my heart issues from a few months back- and how she's now scared I'll be gone- she wants me to go back and make sure I'm ok.. and she "couldn't think", so I pulled over and we talked, cried a bit, and hugged a lot. The words of "Honey, I'll be fine" can't be said. Because her and I know- first hand- that there are no guarantees. I can say- "I'll be here as long as I am able- and that she ALWAYS has my love- no matter where I am..and that's why we need to try to make a difference while we are here." And that she makes a difference- an impact on those around her also. She stands up for those bullied, she doesn't 'make out' with boys, she focuses on grades and sports..most importantly- because of HER I make choices every day that are positive. Ones that I want her to follow my lead on.. being caring, strong, sensitive, funny..and also not allowing bad treatment of yourself... or others around you. <br /><br />Angel Tree would wait for tonight.. we curled up on the couch and talked about what her friend is feeling..and how she is in a unique position to understand where he's at- and be a good friend while he goes through this.. and then we tickled and laughed and talked about boys and college and friends.. precious gestures..<br /><br />She was talking about how she knew how overwhelming everyone wanting to tell her friend how sorry they were was going to be for him..that he feels like he's in a world that isn't real right now..and gestures came to my mind.. a kind word..a gesture of hope.. of understanding.. of courage.. if you think about it everything is a gesture of some kind or another. Even a pet nuzzling your arm for attention, letting a car go first at an intersection, things said in conversations..<br />It can be a good gesture - or a bad gesture. A sarcastic look- ignoring someone..bad.. along with that interpretation of gestures.. not assuming the worst and giving the benefit of the doubt when you can..not judging harshly but trying to be understanding of the person's feelings and situation. <br /><br />Speaking of, Monday I got a call from a mom on my 20 neediest families list. She was trying not to cry and asked me if I could come over and talk. I told her I'd like to but literally couldn't. I've been jam packed busy. So I said I had a few minutes- how are things going?.. and she started crying. Turns out her and the kids hadn't had heat for 3 days- and it's damn cold here in this area. She didn't have $100 for the electric heaters needed to heat each room...and had called her caseworker- no programs open anymore for getting a furnace working again. So I said I'd call her back and made some calls. I found someone to do a free service call (that way if the cost for fixing the furnace was too much we could apply the funds to room heaters), and found a program that would pay $100 to the need determined by the service call. The service guy said it was the blower motor, and a relay, with 2 hrs labor to fix it. The total would be $200 to get working heat for them again- ($100 from my program and $100 from the one I found). With monetary donations that I've received- I was able to say "Fix it." They had to sleep another night in the kitchen with their coat gloves & hats on and the oven door open- but they knew it was the last night- it would be warm and normal again at home tomorrow.. Tuesday the service guy fixed the two issues- and the mom called me that afternoon- again - trying not to cry- but this time with thanks and asking if she & the kids could go to church with me. She's been working the programs I've connected her with- and I have seen improvement in the lives of her and the kids in the 2 months I've been involved with them. All gestures...positive ones.. <br /><br />Today I got a call from the school..they had a 13 yr old girl that counselors, school administration and a guardian are trying to help.. evidently there is a mom that's 'off her rocker'- and the girl is staying with the guardian. I guess it's not safe for this girl to go back to get her clothes right now- she had the jeans and shirt she was wearing and that was it. The school/counselor/guardian are trying to keep the girl out of the foster care system while the guardian does the necessary steps to make things legal. They heard around town of my "Boost" program I'm trying to kick off, and called for help. They said the guardian didn't have the money to get the girl a weeks worth of clothes to hold her over- she's going to be paying for food, school meals, Christmas, etc. The school was hoping someone could help them and bring clothes to the office tomorrow- so she won't be wearing the same outfit 2 days in a row. So a friend and I went to a resale shop here in town, it didn't have the sizes we were looking for...so we went the next town over.. found 3 pr jeans, 5 shirts and a jacket.. total was $56 (not bad, ey?- but on one 'case' for the Boost program- well, we weren't sure if we should spend that much).... We didn't realize who the owner was at the time- but she overheard us talking about making the most of the money we had and asked why..so we shared the girls situation, the program we were trying to get going, and the school's request. She cut the bill in 1/2 and asked to be added to my list of resources to contact!! A gesture here, a gesture there...a gesture of hope and understanding. Tomorrow when I drop the clothes off- the gesture to that girl is that there's hope. She's not alone. She has school officials, counselors, strangers- pulling for her. This could be a defining turning point in this teen's life. Up or down... hope or despair. today has been a day of wonderfully special...Gestures..Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-46301971803358856732010-12-01T20:40:00.000-08:002010-12-01T21:44:14.035-08:00Watching Miracles FormThis is by far the best time of the year for me. If I could do what I do from Nov/Dec all year- I would be happy a HUGE percentage of the time... I am trying to slowly make it to where that is EXACTLY what I do year round. <br /><br />I run this program called the Angel Tree program.. my fourth year now... this year there are about 250 kids on this program- in this school district that easily qualify. We provide an outfit of clothes, a book, art something or other, and 3 toys. Not much when you think about it- but for so many- all they will get under the tree to bring them smiles.<br />Some examples of miracles/small wonders from last year... there were cases where a woman would come by and say "I saw this Easy Bake oven and something told me to buy it" ...the next day I get to application number 217 and the little girl asked for one... or a mom who has lost BOTH her sons- finally felt that this was the year to call me and ask if there was a request for 'wrestling action figures' ..and guess what...yes- there were TWO boys that requested that.<br /><br />Then there was the day that stuck with me all year- that I absolutely loved sharing with those that were the closest to my heart... the day with the doctor. The doctor wanted to give an experience to the neediest kids in my program. He wanted to take these kids shopping at stores and malls and let them just GET clothes.. not from the Salvation Army- not from garage sales- but from STORES NEW.... That morning I had no idea what I was going to experience. I picked up the three girls from their home- which was the country living version of the projects. The dad is raising them- on his disability. We made small talk as we drove to St. Louis and as we crossed the bridge over the river - the 8 year old started getting scared and asked if we were going to another country. It never crossed my mind they hadn't been out of the town...<br /><br />The 13 year old that day had never been to the mall and been on an escalator.. she was terrified she would fall.. and we went up and down that escalator about 13 times- no joke. lol.. I wanted her to be totally confident if she ever was lucky enough to go with her teen friends...not embarressed. She was a larger girl and I remember when we were trying clothes on for her she looked at me and said "I didn't know they made 'cool' clothes for a girl like me"... <br /><br />The 6 year old girl had to use the bathroom and so we all went in.. she watched her sister go in and then the automatic flush came on.. and the little girl was plastered up against the wall almost crying- because she didn't want it to suck her down. All the coaxing and bribing would not get her back in there. I had to talk to the maintenance man we ran into and find out where an 'old fashion' one was that had a handle to push down for flushing. We eventually found one..<br /><br />They had never had a gumball out of the gumball machine..so they got two..lol..never had a Mighty Kids Meal from BK..and thought it was the NEATEST thing that they got to take the glasses home with them(that happened to be Twilight at the time haha) and boy did they talk! So animated and excited. I think the majority of the day the Dr and I were looking at each other in discreet dismay and laughing at the excitement of the kids. It was a day of wonder for both of us- as well as the kids.<br /><br />That same 6 year old ran up to me and hugged me a few months back, because the Angel Tree lady was goin to get her some Christmas presents again this year - and she was wearing one of the outfits we had gotten her that day almost a year ago.<br /><br />I don't say this to judge the parents- so many are living what they know out here in the corn fields- which is bare survival. Jobs are so few out here- it's parallel to the inner city with factories that are shut down- the few jobs in the area are now even fewer...the scraping by is now pulling by the fingernails to try to make it a few steps.. then there are others who by their mistakes/issues- they aren't able to provide the way most 'normal' parents can.<br /><br />I remember when I was little- we were very poor. and I remember being probably about 7 or 8..and we had no money for snow boots. I actually never owned a pair of snow boots until I was an adult on my own- but anyway- my mom would have me walk to and from school - quite a ways- with the plastic wrapper that bread would go in over my shoes and rubber banded above the knees. I remember about 4 kids that would always wait for me and throw snowballs and say things to me on the way home. I remember trudging up the hill and the plastic slipping on the slick snow and me trying to not cry- because the tears would be so damn cold on my cheeks. I had no gloves and couldn't chuck those snowballs back- because it would be so cold it would hurt my hands. And I remember thinking it would serve them right if I just turned around and with my hands in my pockets just started rolling....and rolled down that hill - and I would just get more and more snow around me until I was this HUGE snowball that would run RIGHT over them and SQUISH them!! (Hey- I had a good imagination for a little girl- lol). I know how hard it is to grow up poor.<br /><br />The deadline for my program was Nov. 15th. And of course- I don't enforce that too strictly. I had a mom call me over the weekend and added her two kids- one 13 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. When we got to the need part- she said "I'd love for him to get a snowsuit so I can play in the snow with him for the first time"... after church on Sunday a friend came up to me and said "I have a snowsuit that's been barely used by my son- could you use it even if it's not brand new for the Angel Tree?"...to which I replied "Why yes ma'am I can- I know exactly where it will go."<br /><br />I had another lady email me last week and say "I have a toddler mattress if anyone needs it" so I added it to my list of "Boosts ready"... going over the applications I found one that is a woman fleeing a domestic violence situation- and she got her kids and got out. What does she need for her 3 year old? Yes... a toddler bed. <br /><br />This Saturday I go with the Doc again...and I can't wait to see what the kids are like this year and how we can re shape how they view the world on that day. <br /><br />I am starting something extra in my community called "A Boost"- where year round my goal is to have lists ready and resources going. And if there is a family in need- I'll to try to give them that "Boost". In dream world as a not for profit organization- but for now- I will be happy and complete working on one miracle at a time. <br /><br />We all make a difference-- like fingers... alone- they function pretty darn well- but when you use them and then intertwine with other fingers as needed..they not only function but they feel warm, are secure and fit.. what we all- big adults and small kids- aim for.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-15964897756920101222010-11-09T06:35:00.001-08:002010-11-10T08:25:55.876-08:00I'm a toolNo, no.. not a tool as in the teenage slang used right now for lame.. but a tool... as in "a device that aids in accomplishing a task"... <br /><br />I was putting strawberry jam on my toast this morning, thinking about what I have to do today- and what I have been doing all week.. which is help others..and it hit me. Like a mac truck, or a ton of bricks- (I get a hoot out of using those expressions because they sound so funny). I am a healer...a tool being used to bring peace and clarity... Not physically- but spiritually and emotionally.. I have been given a gift of insight and deep understanding. I don't say that in any sort of arrogance, but as someone who is for whatever reason, just now...today...figured that out. <br /><br />I have a peace and calm that settles over me when I know there is a need..and I have guidance directing my words and actions. It seems to make a positive impact on those that are needing me. I love to encourage them to believe in themselves.. trust where they are being led.. follow the tiny voice inside..that leads them to a stronger sense of who 'they' are inside..<br /><br />I think this revelation started when my husband called last night. He has some issues, among them bipolar disorder and depression, that he takes meds for now. I have loved the heart I believe to be there for a very long time. I see greatness in him and he amazes me with his perspective and humor many times. Last night though, he was back in a place he hasn't been for a long while. He was paranoid about his skin cracking, being sick with a disease inside him, people around him, etc.. he hasn't had that kind of episode in a while. When we very first got together I use to hold him in my arms and brush his hair back, and tell him stories..anything I could think of to take him away from that scary place in his mind. I did that again last night.. and it scared me, and made me so very sad. <br />And then I realized that I may not have it all.. not in normal terms of what I would hope for in a marriage or home life, but I have a beautiful, amazing daughter now..and he's not perfect- but he's mine- and I can live with this in a partnership that's 'doable' now.. and am working to a career that I think will help many teens or nature.. depending on what opens up for me in the future. I have a solid group of friends and wonderful church family.. If the scales tip too far in the negative direction, I now know I'm capable of being ok...and I'm finding a balance in how I use to live totally for others, and trying to live healthy now for myself. While I am no longer going to shoulder the burden of being consumed by 'saving anyone'- I will help as I am capable...and I'm finding they are closely entwined. <br /><br />My friend's mom passed this week.. and she has difficulty coping in a healthy way. It's not a question of 'if' I will be there for her and the kids..just a question of how much do I do, and how much do I not do. My visual description of what I try to do is : I want to be supportive, and hold her and console her in her deepest sorrow, and at other times I will stand back a few steps- with my hands on her shoulders- supporting her.. but not holding her up. And when she's not having such a hard time functioning, I will step back and watch her. Because I love her and I know she can get where she needs to..and I want her kids to see that pain and emotion are normal..but that you can't stop functioning in life. <br /><br />Yesterday I had my daughter go with me to take some bags of food to two families that needed it.. and when one little girl was jumping up and down and hugging me.. I felt such joy. I was in the right place. At the other house when I was finding the needs out for the family, the kids were so excited because they were going to have "presents under the tree for Christmas"... how simple things are not so simple to some...<br /><br />An elderly couple is heating water on the stove to get warm baths..their water heater is beyond repair.. by putting the word out to my contacts, in 2 days they will have hot water again.. when I called with the final arrangements yesterday - and they knew it wasn't a "I'm going to try" but now it was a "It's going to happen"... they both.. were in tears and so touched.. I struggle not to cry as I type about it. <br /><br />I think that there will come a day, when all of this falls into place.. knowing that the person is better after me- than before is all I want in life.. I see or sense things in others that they don't see in themselves.. I don't know if it's their potential I see, or their soul, or what to call it- but all the same I SEE it clearly.. I truly believe in what I see..and I know if that's God's will for them (and me) that it WILL be. There is a song I love to sing..some of the lyrics are below. It's called "There will be a day"..<br /><br />I try to hold on to this world with everything I have<br />But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab<br />The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth<br />That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew<br />I know the journey seems so long<br />You feel you're walking on your own<br />But there has never been a step<br />Where you've walked out all alone<br />Troubled soul don't lose your heart<br />Cause joy and peace he brings<br />And the beauty that's in store<br />Outweighs the hurt of life's sting<br /><br />There will be a day with no more tears<br />No more pain, and no more fears<br />There will be a day when the burdens of this place<br />Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face<br />But until that day, we'll hold on to you always<br /><br /><br />I believe the human spirit is precious and fragile. I know the immense pain caused by life and loss and abuse. I know the dents and cracks caused and how belief in God, superglue and time can heal, but there will always be tenderness and sensitivity in that area. I would say with that thought in mind --that just came to me.. I'm grateful for my experiences.. as I help others to heal, I'm in essence healing myself at the same time.. I hope to help many people while I'm here.<br /><br />And on the heels of that thought, I'll add that I'm so grateful for others who have seen things in me that I do not see..for if it weren't for them- I would not still be here today. Healing and growing together is after all- what we are all suppose to do.Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103309025039624325.post-52645117910330558742010-11-06T12:33:00.001-07:002010-11-07T21:56:55.250-08:00Is God Real?I'm going to address a taboo subject- because it's been a rough week and kind of need to vent. I'm going to let you into the inner working of my mind and welcome any comments or outlooks.. I haven't had a Rhapsody Rambling in a while.. <br /><br />Is God real? Just by this question (in essence of me claiming to be a believer- and now questioning it-) if I were to say I think he's not- I'll be committing the worst sin possible. The only unforgivable sin. But hear my frustrations out... <br /><br />There is one side of me that says "No question in my mind. There is too much beauty and purity in the world. This couldn't have all just come from cells reproducing over millions of years.. there has to be a grand creator that watches over all of us. Everything in life is based on good verses evil.. life and death... positive and negative.. there is NO way possible that someone could have written a book so genius that applies still to this day so perfectly. There is factual evidence that supports the Bible. There are miracles that occur that can't be scientifically explained. You can be a total non believer and when tragedy strikes you will be on your knees praying hard- why? Because it's an internal impulse to the core of what we really are inside.<br /><br />There are 'impulses-intuitions' that are said to be the Holy Spirit guiding you. I understand the theory of 'because there is so much sin in the world there is suffering, pain, etc.' I understand that according to God our ultimate purpose is to serve him in the best way possible- holding fast to the attributes that Jesus encouraged... my personal favorites are 1 Corinthians 13 and Galatians... I personally rely on scripture to help other people and for strength myself. If I had to choose one thing I could have on an island- other than a man I would love, I would choose the Bible. I think the Bible is an invaluable tool of resources, poetry, fables, advice and wisdom to use. It seems in-comprehendible that someone in that time period would have that type of skill or depth of knowledge- especially that the Bible was written by numerous people over MANY years- writing for God. <br /><br />Then there is the other side of me that says "If there is a God and you have a good heart- why do you have such intense, painful struggles. Life is life- sure- but some are so well off and so bad- while others are barely keeping their chins above water and they have such miserable lives- yet stay so positive" Science can't be refuted..some scientific evidence doesn't equate with the information in the Bible. There are discrepencies that do bother me. #1- I find it discouraging that some people- no matter how hard they try to move forward- make little or no progress. I find it hard to understand that good makes such slow progress- talk about an uphill battle- while malice makes such quick, strong progress. However, I find it encouraging and think that it also defines character to NOT give in... #2 I believe that if there is a Heaven- that there is a lot of symbolism that people use from the Bible- that's not actually the way it is. I don't believe the streets are 'gold' and that you are happy to just 'Praise God'.. I think that gold was important when those books were written- so that's the motivation used. I don't think that 'God' would give a rats ass if the streets were gold.. I think it would look like Hawaii... or maybe for each person it would be different. When that book was written the idea of being able to praise God was a very new freedom and the mere idea of that was exciting and new..I believe that you praise him at times- but that also that we DO see and get to enjoy our loved ones- and just FEEL peace..time stands still for the most part. #3 I find it hard to understand or believe that God feels if one was to lie or steal a pack of gum that it is the same weight of murder or molestation in sin.<br /><br />I CHOOSE to believe so that I can look forward to seeing my son- and I want to hold him again. I don't think that changes when I get there (that I wouldn't care anymore about that). I do think that they get to have some sort of interaction in our dreams.... and if that's not the case - then our minds cope by bringing them back in our dreams. The belief in God in itself- and everything that rolls into that- may be a way for our minds to cope and our subconscious to act the way we feel led. Is it God or 'common sense'? Who truly knows? By the time you know- you're dead. Then you're either dead and you never wonder again about it- or you are rewarded or punished for your beliefs.. either way- a tiny bit to late. <br /><br />What is the difference between faith and hope? To me they are one and the same..the same as love and compassion.. both are hand in hand and interchangeable.. <br /><br />How much does God control (if he's real) and how much is fate...just life? If I get a parking lot space that's up front or get all green lights on the way home- is that God shooting me an extra boost for that time period? Or does God step back and let us live life and then step in and guide us with the tougher decisions? Does God inspire me to have Chicken alfredo for some reason or does he give freedom of choice and enjoy watching us be independent like we do with our children? <br /><br />I believe that organized religion in itself is doomed to fail and actually pushes many away from God. I believe that there are so many hypocrites and judgemental people in the church, that the alcoholic that has the urge to go in the church and listen- wouldn't. That the woman who has low self esteem and is promiscuous will not go find out how to use the Bible's wisdom to become a stronger woman. The Bible was written origionaly in Latin- and through translation can be misconstrued. There are also chapters that have been 'deemed improper' and left out of the book. They are so hard to find- and if you find it- best keep it from the Church.. because that's not an 'approved part of the Bible'.. That in itself is a sin- if it's a true representation from God. I think organized religion is manipulative. I think the 'church' through out history has used religion as a crutch to justify vicious bloodshed, and greed. That is hypocritical to what the basis of the good book is- yet it's so common... <br />On the other hand- I am very blessed to be a part of a fantastic church. The good intentions are over bounding there. We are able to be helpful to many in need, and I do believe that we make a difference. The church family is a group of people that offer help - that no one else in the community will give. They have love and compassion that is unequal to any other 'group' of people I've known. <br /><br />How do you balance the two? My version is twisted and complicated...and Biblicly speaking- totally wrong.. I personally believe in things that are against God's word. I believe that if you are a good person- and there is a Heaven that you will be admitted. I believe that if you are 'saved' but yet do nothing to help others, are a hateful person- then you in effect have only said 'the words'- and are not truly saved...the non believer is more Christ like and by that act alone is admitted. I don't think that if you don't say 'specific words and get baptized' you will burn in hell for eternity. I believe that each culture has a "God" and "Jesus"..I believe for instance that Buddha is the Jesus of that culture.. I believe the Native Indians had it right- they just divided it up differently..etc. I don't believe it's my place to 'judge' others beliefs! IF there is a God then it's only HIS place to judge- but yet that's one of the most preached about subjects (on how we have that job to 'conform' or 'transform' others religions to our own.. which in my mind goes back to the organized religion and 'filling the coffers'.<br /><br />Is there Heaven? I think we need to believe that to be so. I know I do. I need to feel there was a purpose for my son's suffering and dying. I need to feel that by his sacrifice- and my daily pain and ache for my son that others saw purity- strength- faith- trust in the Lord- and that brought many to God.. that was my son's path. That now- I do what I can to bring others to lean on God- why? Because either way it hurts nothing.. if it's true then they will benefit in their daily life by building up their character and focusing on the good qualities we humans have. If it's not true- then it hurts nothing and gives them a source of strength and guidance that otherwise may never be felt. Why do I go to church- organized religion? mainly because it's a safe haven for me... to not be criticized, to sing songs that give me hope, to hear inspirational & motivational speeches...to meditate and pray to a higher power, to be a part of a group of people that are for the most part- GOOD.<br /><br />Is "belief in God" just the minds need to cope with reality of life? Perhaps. Is it the minds way to find some balance in harmony and calmness? Perhaps. Is that ok? yes.. <br /><br />In the end I ask myself this...does it matter? Either way- really? Does it? <br /><br />No..it doesn't matter... the book helps guide me and gives me daily peace. <br />It's a tool that I use to help others and inspires them. It's what we need to have an 'end goal' in site.. that if we don't have heaven to hold onto- we may fall into pits of despair. The Bible is our checks and balances for our lives..We humans need constant motivation to march on- and this is the ulitimate reward described.. However, the Bible says we must truly believe with no doubts if we are going to get to Heaven- we can't be a fraud "Christian"... and the yoyo goes back up to say "I'm not a fraud- God knows my heart- if he's real that is.. he knows how desperately I want to believe and that deep down- when the grade card comes in- I'm on his team."Rhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17546066511123997814noreply@blogger.com2