Loss

Tabitha Marie Cameron
May 2003- December 10, 2011

She was my daughter's saving Grace after my son/her brother died. She had gone into a deep depression..and I guess so had I. I found her & brought her home & watched her eyes light up- which in turn made my eyes light up again also. She carried that little kitten everywhere, cuddled & poured her heart out to her. When she would cry, Tab would run over to her & rub on her to cheer her up- most of the time right under the face to make her look up. She loved to make bread on us, & when she would be curled up on us she would roll over so we would rub her stomach. She loved chasing the squirrels & trying to catch the birds. She LOVED car rides...and those at the drive thru windows would get such a kick out of seeing a CAT just content as can be in the back windows or stretched out on the seat. I could say "Tab lets go for a ride" and up she'd go. She would swipe at us on top of the frig. She would play tag with my daughter and jump up & bite her on the butt- then turn and run away. All my friends called her "Psycho kitty" because she would be loving & purr one minute and then hiss & be crabby the next. But man did she have an awesome personality. She wouldn't stay inside for anything.. yet would stay in our large yard. A dog did what was natural to him..and attacked her in our yard. I'm glad it was me not my daughter that found her..but both our hearts are broken.

She was the absolute most special & unique cat I have ever met.
Her loss is our loss.

What I want for Christmas

written on November 21, 2011
One time you have a bond with someone that is beyond time & words... the absolute best friend you can tell anything too, hopes, dreams, funny stories, feelings,things you've learned, share advice with. You know they feel your pains or have a smile and enjoy listening to you & then sharing the same back- knowing you are reciprocating. That one that 'understands' and you're just in 'sync'. of course you can have all different kinds of connections with all different kinds of people..and they are all unique and special..but there's that one that is truly a friendship like no other before or since.

There are times I get very angry and hurt and wonder why our friendship stopped with no warning. The nights I can't sleep trying to nail down what I did or said wrong. Was I to honest? Did I offend? Too much of a glimpse at 'me'? Too emotional? What was seen that I was not worthy? Where did I fail? What did I miss? Should I have done more? For the trust I gave was deeper than any other and matches the deep hurt. Honestly in my life I have never trusted that much. I poured my heart and soul into words like I've never done before and lost that day what I cherished beyond description. I often wonder if I would not respond and show back how insignificant I felt if reached out to again..or if I would immediately reply out of sheer elation..or if I would shed tears from euphoria...or if we would pick back up a few steps back like nothing had happened..or would we talk about it..no clue.. I have invested so much of my soul..usually so skeptical yet now berating myself for being naive. Would I believe again or lose what was real by not believing again? What would prevent a blindside from happening again? Trust. Again. A scary thought for one who doesn't trust easily. I thought I was as cherished as the one I cherished.
My heart hurts still over the loss, my head is a mess, my soul feels empty, my eyes hurt from crying. This is the second most painful loss in life. It's been months struggling to survive normally. Will I be able to overcome this grief? The shell I hide in may not be necessarily a bad place. Maybe the mental walls I've had all these years were needed.

There are many days..nights..and times I think about how rare & special it was and miss it more than any words could give justice in describing. IF I had a wish- any wish at all- it would be to have THAT... back.
just want it back..

My Duel Personalities

I see neglect and bad circumstance when I go to do the interviews for the needy program I volunteer for.. and I see the hope and feel the hugs..the cynical side of me says I'm giving them false hope- that chances for them are slim- but the optimist that comes out when I'm not so tired...she has faith that love and effort can turn anything around.

I feel the pain during holidays of missing my son and wishing he was here for me to see. This will be my 8th Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. The mere thought has the potential to bring me to my knees- but making it a happy holiday for my daughter forces me to stand. Personality #2 wishes at times that I could have that breakdown that I see others do... where they are so immersed in their needs for comfort- they force others to care for them. I think it's a natural need to be consoled at times- but it never seems an appropriate time. I always make sure I'm by myself..because I can't put others through that confusion and helplessness that I know is felt.. yes- that would be personality #1... lol..

P #1 wishes I had 'normal' 'involved' parents that I could call and have heart to heart talks with..and P#2 says this is fine the way it is..nice and quiet- no hassles or conflicts.

P #1 wants the solitude of the woods right now so badly I could scream..and P#2 is so grateful for this outlet of technology that I've come to depend on.

P#1 wants to depend on someone- count on them with complete vulnerability and P#2 says live for yourself- you've tried that ball of wax-don't be naieve.

P #1 wants to be gone from here and experience the other realms the soul will travel and rest and P#2 says there's so much I need to do here- I'll never be ready to go.

P#1 wants to be held for hours and nap and P#2 wants to get a long list of things done.

P#1 remembers the pain, humiliation and degrading actions against her last year at Thanksgiving and the separation-almost divorce that came so close.. and feels the need to be strong this holiday- steel strong.. and P#2 says I have seen big changes- some that I never thought would actually happen...and this Thanksgiving I must close my eyes and step off the cliff... and hope that I'm caught.

I was watching this movie tonight- and I think sometimes I'm just a damn schitzo. lol.. yaya- well personality #2 says shuddit. I watch these sometimes and I roll my eyes. Then there are other times I cry from the sweetness of them.. I have no concept of the conventional idea of 'love'. I can say I've experienced what I believe to be love twice- however, neither case was the 'normal kind' you see in movies or hear about from friends. I can love from far away as powerfully as I devote myself in close proximity- in my mind there need not be difference. I think there's a lot of ways you can love- none necessarily better than the other- as long as it's true. P #1 says - The heart's potential is so boundless-whether in friendship, love, compassion, understanding, consideration... P#1 understands intentions..therefore when my feelings are hurt... and then P#2 really wishes the 'other' would devote that same devotion to paying attention to needs I may have.. and make similar sacrifices to not hurt me.

The distance issue, seems almost comical at this juncture in my life- for it's that distance that P#1 once considered safe- and now P#2 resents. P#1 wonders long term if I would be ok day in and day out with someone I love..but P#2 also has this feeling deep inside that is one thing that due to circumstances of one kind or another- I will never find out. P#1 wants that experience more than anything and is so fearful of not having that great 'living with someone' love.. but P#2 has found peace in that feeling it'll never be.. for the other part of me truly believes that since there are so many experiences and loves of so many kinds out there- this is just plainly my path.

But for a little bit- Personality #1 says- My heart is scared, missing certain loves and hurting. However, Personality #2 says I am the eternal optimist- and will always find the bright side of whatever love I am lucky enough to have for those breathtaking moments... because what else is life for?

Blankie in the Intricate Wooden Chest

The last few months I've been making an effort to meditate outside at night. There are times I'll go to a friend of mines lake lot and sit and listen to the water lap the shore, and other times I'll sit on my back porch and listen to the breeze and crickets. It's a beautiful chilly night here finally- fall is my absolute favorite time of the year.. As I was sitting outside tonight with my head back against the chair's back, I noticed the stars are absolutely amazing tonight. More beautiful than any other night I've seen yet.. with my knees curled up with my warm blue blanket wrapped around me keeping my toes warm, I came to an epiphany of sorts..

You know that expression "Some people are a season, some are a year, some are a lifetime" etc.. tonight I broke that down into a lot more. I think in relationships there are so many levels of symbolism.

There are not only seasons but climates, and even perhaps tools in those seasons and climates. For example sometimes I am in a warm beautiful breeze on a perfect 70s day.. and feel the heat soaking in and it feels so good.. I have never been happier. I can reach out and feel the deck boards underneath my arms and love the coarseness of them because they make me feel alive. I can look at the trees through someone else's eyes and believe they are beautiful again until I see them that way. I can smell the rain coming from miles away and look forward to the difference of the cold rain falling down on me.

If I was to vacation in a tropical area where the weather is so predictable and safe that I don't have any concerns for the rough weather I'd had before. I was thinking it was going to stay sunny and pretty, and unexpectedly it's not sun.. it's not even rain or cloudy- it's a ice blizzard. I am unprepared and my shoes are slipping. I look around and there is nothing to grab because I wasn't ready for the ice storm- hell I don't think I even had a coat or warm socks in the jeep! lol I'm in that blizzard freezing cold so miserable and the weatherman says this is going to last a while. So I make the choice to do the only thing I can - say "Wow.. wasn't expecting this!" and push on. I realize that the weather is pretty much the same no matter what the climate may seem to promise- so I stay prepared.

And then again- that perfect weather day comes back and the weatherman says that is the weather that will be sticking around for a while. I know that the safe weather is to be enjoyed while it's meant to be, but the blizzard will come again

When I'm in those blizzards, it's the most special thing in the world to dig through treasured things in boxes & find that soft blue, cuddly warm, comfy blankie... I can wrap that around myself. I can unplug it for a little while on those warmer, spring/summer days and maybe even pack it away in the beautiful wooden chest, but then when I need it, I can pull it out and wrap it around for the warmth.

Tonight I pulled my blue comfy warm blanket out of that beautiful wooden chest & I wrapped it around myself for warmth again. It was nice to feel it with me again. To get lost for a little while in the memories of something dear & that made me feel secure for so long. I will pack it away again with a wonderful smile and sweetness in my heart for how special it is as I go to bed tonight, and miss it for a while..

When I have that super comfy blanket packed away in that gorgeously made, intricate wooden chest.. knowing it's there may bring a sadness that I am not having that familiar feel with me, but knowing that I am or will be out in the sun enjoying the weather while I can soon brings a different kind of reassurance. I know that that comfy blue blanket needs it's own care & am glad that there are no moths or mice slowly breaking down it's beauty that I cherish so much. If there was a slight tear or snag in it-I'm glad to mend it or hope that a seamstress can do it in my place. I'm grateful that it's being so well cared for in that wooden box, because I know the precious value it holds. I may have those fears that someone will see that old blanket and think it's no good, maybe toss it.. or forget that it meant something so special to me and pack it away.. but in part of trying to stay prepared I count on it being there in the wooden chest in the next blizzard....and the blanket counts on me to be prepared to mend it's tears or mice holes- whatever the next season may bring..

Worth More

There are some- ok..maybe 3- that I hold in such high regard that when they hurt me deeply it leaves me literally nauscious. On the humorous side, it's helped me lose 5 lbs so far this month. I keep myself very guarded in 99% of my situations in an odd calculating formula. While I'm very open and loving to everyone- in the back of my head I am also reserved. I've had to work on that a lot in the last few years...not being so withdrawn. I would say there were probably two very impacting things that happened in my first 5 years as a child. I can remember around age 4 waking up with a black shape on me and I couldn't breath. I remember I was gasping for air and trying to scream and nothing would come out. I had no air for minutes and was struggling to breath small breaths and not die. I remember the black shape then got up quickly off me and left through the door and I was able to draw breath to scream. I remember my mom running in my room & me trying to explain to her what had just happened- and I remember her saying it was a dream & to go back to sleep. She didn't stay in there long with me- I do remember immediately getting tucked back in and her leaving the door cracked and me staring petrified waiting for him to come back through. It wasn't a dream. The second memory I was about 5 and was when my dad left. I remember them arguing and me sitting in the rocking chair rocking my baby sister trying to keep her quiet & thinking if we were quiet it would help them stop fighting and they would be able to work it out. I went down the hall when it was quieter and saw a suitcase. My dad said he was going on a business trip and he wasn't sure when he'd see me again. I remember crying and begging him to stay and holding onto his leg and he pulled me away from him and walked out.

I only bring up these because in the last month I've been thinking about why I hold such...powerful? unmoveable? value with those few I trust with my complete self. Analyzing my earliest memories of security, safety, trust, abandonment, talking- unfortunately brings back at times more than I wish I could remember. And in theory it explains a lot about why I have such issues. It's made me who I am today- good, bad, mixed up- whatever the case may be. However, If I say it- I mean it. What others may say- they may not. While I may pour my heart out being completely vulnerable & open to those very few- I may have been alone in doing so. My friends joke about how non-judgmental I am-'too patient & understanding'...that's what I've searched and hope for-- others that hold those same characteristics in such high regard. Acceptance...and not being left. Especially with no explaination. First my dad, then Mom, husband- silence. It use to be what he would do to break me down- because he knew what no response meant to me- that I wasn't worth it- I didn't matter. Now another that I believed was so very much more different- is not.

I can rationalize, put myself in another's place- think compassionate things, make excuses for why someone will be intentionally hurtful toward me..disregard any pretense of concern.. I did it for 15 years with the man I married until I couldn't any longer. So imagine how long I could do that again with friends I care so much for? Less.

I said 15 years and I've been married for 17. It may have taken me a while-but I do learn... In the last 2 years I have grown- I guess you could say my emotional state was stunted or on pause. Many things happened along the way and I tried to adapt and make the best of it- always looking on the bright side- even when 'normal' people would have quit. I had help re-claiming my self from some I considered beyond special to me.. I have got to start giving myself credit for who I am also. I for many years credited everyone around me- but me..I was not worthy of that-that's been shown. Yet when I look- I am the only one who remains- the one common factor in the equation. Does the importance of those around me diminish? Absolutely not- the value & cherished place I have still is there. But when those I value so highly repeat the 'you are not worth' actions- I have 2 choices- quit (which I have considered) or tread water until I can start swimming again...

But I can now acknowledge, I am a strong woman. And I am determined to not allow myself to be 'disregarded', disrespected & feel as I am nothing again.
I don't deserve silence. I am worth words.
I'm not a time filler or unimportant. I feel. I am worth genuine emotion.
I am not rude. I am worth manners.
I care & am a good woman. I am worth consideration.

I am worth the tiniest bit of effort... Yes- I can objectively look at myself and say the advantage for those having me in their life is that I 'expect' so very little --yet give so very much. The barest consideration counts for so much with me because of my history. And 'now' that I am this woman- when I am treated callously...

Will I be accepting & forgiving if an effort is made? Absolutely- that is my heart.
Will I beg? No.
Will I continue to try to reach out and ask why? No.
Will I be sick still? Yep. It's amazing the impact felt physically & emotionally.
Do I cry myself to sleep on some nights because I don't understand what "I" did wrong? Yes.
Would I respond if reached out to now? I don't know.
Will I ever have this wound in my soul healed or will it be a lingering scar?
I don't know that either.

I have driven myself crazy with the pain in trying to figure this out.
I can only come back to -- it's not mine to figure out.
I know who I am & treat those I care for with value.
Those I've been 'me' with - know this also.
I will force myself to find my dignity again.
I will find my footing and get back up.
Why?
Because I am worth more.

Watching a Miracle

Last night I had the honor of helping to bring a human life into the world. A very sweet younger girl that I have grown close to was going into labor. She wanted her mom there and also wanted me there. I have had two children, and each time of course was on the other side of the situation- in those two cases you of course are so consumed with pain & don't get to 'see' the event take place step by step. I was deeply touched that she would want me there, let alone want me assisting and helping with the entire process. I can't explain how absolutely honored I feel to be a part of that new life beginning. It was something I will never forget and always cherish. It was stunning, beautiful, so special. Her mom was on one side & I was on the other, both holding her legs and encouraging- at times firmly to "dig in".. the breathing & pushing. Over the process of a few hours, when his head crowned- I remember thinking- what a miracle I am actually watching take place! Then his face emerged, and the doctor suctioned the nose & mouth, and with a few more pushes his entire healthy beautiful little body came out. As the doctor placed him on her chest for her to see, I saw two tears slide down her cheek - as she gazed at her creation. I remember that moment with both of my children- it's one that will be seared in her mind for all her life. He was absolutely perfect. His weight was 8.13- 20.25".. a solid very healthy & handsome boy. When he was under the sun lamp I stayed with her while the 'brand new grandma' went over to coo over her grandson.. when she returned to her daughter's side I went over to admire him and noticed the little fella was trying oh so hard to open and focus his eyes, he knew there were new noises to pay attention to and oh how hard he was trying. He cried on and off but for the most part he was attentive to the sounds and trying very much to see, and after about 30 minutes he mastered that- eyes stayed focused & open. It was one of many things I hope to have the priveledge to watch him master in the coming years- it was an amazing night I will never forget.

I will be true

I just finished reading a novel that is very special to me...there will be more books to come, I'm sure.. I hope..for the characters are very dear to me.
Tonight, I watched a movie that was very profound. In it, over great time there was a friendship & love-- and it didn't seem like it would have a happy ending- yet it did. I've been thinking over them both and had some big revelations..maybe not..I think I have come to the same conclusions once again..but they merit being put into words. The story of life will not have just a happy ending or a sad one..because it all depends on where you stop... and what you focus on.

The cards that we are dealt in life- and the cards we choose to fold on- or play on.. determine our path. Life has brought me struggles, laughter, disappointment, joy, and this last year I've found who I am- and been brave enough to show 'her'. I've learned that I am acceptable- even lovable. Through that revelation, I've learned that I can stand on my own- and nurture relationships that are good for me. I've seen changes for the better in those I love around me-- in reaction to my choices. While I may yearn for the quiet soul..to relax.. to just 'be'.. that isn't in my hand of cards yet. When I have those peaceful moments with someone.. they are cherished even more..

We can not know for certain what the hands we play or the cards we are dealt will bring- but we know we must play them to the fullest. For if we do not- we have done a disservice to being given the choice....

Our children will be here with us for a time- and we must do our best to cherish and guide them the best we can- while we are able. When I hold my daughter, like I did the other night and she cries in my arms- or when I tease her and make her laugh--or explain some things in life.. I'm so deeply grateful for where I am. Memories and love is the greatest gift we can give to anyone. Our spouse is who we have been joined to, we must devote ourselves to the fullest we are able. Our friends we must be here for- through the battles of life. Our enemies we must show integrity and character to- for that is what sets us apart from them. Those less fortunate than us- we must try to help- for it is oftentimes through us that there is hope shown. To 'life' we owe these things.. for those of us that have seen death and lost loved ones- it's a disrespect we show if we choose to not do these things.

I don't know when my time will be up.. I don't want to know. I still have dreams - and whether they become a reality or not- time will tell... I'm unique. If I believe ..I will do everything in my power... my goals are to show those in my life understanding, devotion and caring. I hope those that love me will do the same... I have many flaws... and will continue trying to improve on them...I will be true...to life.