so close

40 min ago I was getting ready to sit down & write letters to those I love. I still probably will. But after a talk with my Dad- who told me to focus on the next 2-3 days & no further...and my adopted mom who told me I'm free- and I deserve better- to let go & let God & MOVE. I said "What if I regret moving?" she said "What if you regret staying?" I seem to love those that either can't, don't or won't love me back. From my child to my ex, to friends. Not all- by any means- but right now- 2 very hurtful situations are going on. I have got to figure out either how to get out of the position I am in & my feelings of hopelessness or follow through & go to see my son. At this point I'm going to read my Bible, tomorrow I'm going to the gym, church, & a concert w a girlfriend.. Monday I've got a few hours of work & then Tues I may go to a support meeting. I am worth better than what I have been getting from the 2 I love the most in this world. I am worth more. I don't want hate, negative, games, to be used or a convenience. I had that. I want to be valued. I'm either so close to the edge & falling over or so close to seeing something better. For now I set goals of 2-3 days at a time...that's as far as I can plan on being here for now. So close.

Love & Loss

In less than 24 hours I'll be on another anniversary of my son's death. I have had the waves of emotions starting to hit me tonight & will be watching a tv show & hit pause bursting into full blown sobbing. The kind where your chest aches & you can't see out of your eyes or breathe. Where the tears don't stop & you're afraid your neighbors will end up hearing your sobs. I rock back & forth wishing so bad I had someone here that loves me like I deserved to be loved & was not going through another milestone alone...

I got down wanting to see a specific picture from the photo albums & was going through them looking for it- which leads me to crawling to my laptop & writing.. love. loss. I have loved so well.. I look at these pictures & I hurt for some I see in them.. not from missing them necessarily- because they took my love & used it as a weapon against me- but hurt for the potential & promise I saw. I will list a few..

Mother- a loose term for the role she served. Provider- yes. Confidant? no. Reliable? no. Safe? no. Loving? no.
Abusive? yes. Hateful? yes. Selfish? yes.

Sister- moved & lost track of her.. I hope she's doing well.

Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- loved them so much. But she was very manipulative. Worked me over bad mentally acting like she was my friend & trying to help me- meanwhile she was trying to get together with my husband who she'd liked since high school..had told her mom & husband (who was soon after her ex)of her plans. Which evidently my ex wasn't as opposed to as he should have been.

Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- she had a sweet heart but in all honesty- was mentally unstable & not healthy.. lifestyle wise she was abusive to drugs, sex & neglectful of her children. I wasn't able to help her & reached a breaking point when her children were in some bad situations.

Friend- she died. Drug od & had a stroke... she was a sweet soul that was young & making some bad decisions- did not have the chance to correct them.

Friend- she died. Drinking ruined her body.. but she was reliable as far as being there for me. She was a solid.

Husband- I loved him. I tried to mold myself to make him happy but nothing worked. He was not good to me to say the least. Looking back now- we probably should have parted ways sooner- but I/we tried our best to make it work...just different standards, morals, priorities, living. He has moved on & found his current mate on #4? since me. My pain with him stems more from the ongoing recovery I currently am still working on. I have a lot in my head that needs overcome.

Son- the only one that breaks me. He was my mirror. My soul. He & I could communicate & instantly get each other. He was my happiness. My daughter was also- but he was my first everything... including funeral. I miss him so much. Even typing this I am crying & refocused on how I want to see that picture I started looking for... what's funny is - what it is of... it was a memory when we first moved here... him facing off in the yard w a bully across the street. He had come in crying bc he had been hit by this boy & then had a ball thrown at him hard. I told him "You go back out there & you face him- you don't back down.. and if he gives you trouble again- you knock the shit out of him- punch him square in the nose -you got it" & he looked me dead in the eyes- dried his tears & said "ok mommy I can do that." And he did. And that boy ran home crying & then his mom & I had words. lol Two days after that boy came asking if he could play & I said "In my yard where I can watch you all." & that's how it all began.. they became best friends & all the kids from 3 blocks over came over to our house to play, eat meals, watch tv, play video games... I got to be friends w the mom for a while... I was very protective of him. Of any child that came around... bc I knew even then the value they hold..

So love & loss...an equal paradox... one insanely deep joy that causes equally insanely deep pain... One I could live without with no hesitation yet to do so would mean I would have to cut off my openness to the other.. which my soul is unwilling to do... until I die.

So now.. I hit enter & go find my memories.. took no time at all to find the photo I was looking for.. he's the smaller boy in the Vikings jersey... I was so proud of him facing off- took the photo & then I ran outside bc the shit was gonna hitting the fan..lol.. I was so proud of him though...