Less Than a Few

Here it is, nearly 4am and I'm under a blanket on the couch with the curser flashing on the computer. I lay down to sleep so tired and find I'm then wide awake needing to write words out. What? You may ask..no clue...yet.. maybe my heart?

Mean thoughts are very rarely there. I've faced some things in the last year that I can say most would not react rationally. I have discovered that there are 'less than a few'-- I can wholly trust my soul with. I continue to hold true faith & trust in those 'less than few'..for to not do so, would repeat a mistake I promised I would not make a second time.

I am a big picture person. The temporary thought 99.9% of the time most would choose- I do not. I truly believe in not being the only one that thinks the way I do- there has got to be more out there that feel similarly..however I do not confide my mind's workings to but 'less than a few'- it does not work out..again I go back to true faith & trust. nothing more/nothing less.

Normal does not apply in my heart. Only the extra-ordinary meaning behind such simple words that carry positive meanings.

For example a friend finds no value anymore because my life choices are less fun... Or a woman I've admired for so many years as an amazing motherly example removes the connection. I hold no malice. I'm deeply sad. I'm hurt. Confused. Let down. But they need not worry about any betrayal of confidence...I do not hurt others because I'm hurt. I just miss them.

I remain sad wishing for happier times. I am on a road with hope in the 'less than few'. I have learned however that I need to hope quietly. More times than naught I hear the echo of my plea return empty. Those I love I love forever and that loyalty will always move me to attempt only what would bring them happiness. A gift of what maybe they look for & I can provide. Confidence, respect, love, admiration, laughter. Sometimes being me does not work well for me but I know no other way to be.

A Myriad of Emotions

I was being pulled to write again tonight.. you see I want to share but also want to make sure it's ok to do..yes this is my outlet/safe way to do that. Has been for quite a while but it's the tool that has been given- an invisible cord one might say.


As I have read and re-read and re-read I can't help shake my head and think "Well HELL.."

As I was sitting down to type and thinking over all the recent revelations & last few days my mind is spinning. I feel hopeful and then feel stupid for feeling hopeful. I feel so glad and so terrified of feeling glad. I feel happy and nervous I will lose that. I feel excited and then cautious for getting excited. For right now- I will be patient and wait. The ol' familiar keep the walls up until I can see if it's safe... I keep coming back to hope though. And happy. I want to scream, laugh and cry.

I think I want to go see what I dream- much safer there than awake right now.

Struggles & Strength In Writing

I had a dream last night and got to talk to the one I've missed so terribly.. In the dream it was solid and safe as always- and the conversation as sound and clear-- like time had no effect. Which led me to come back & brave a ramble check. The dream must have been my tug to write again. ********************************************************************************* Since the last entry I have gained confidence in my previous ramble. I still feel there would be only one to sound things out with under present circumstances, yet I've seen how alone with my intuition I've made wise decisions. I am finding it very difficult to still write..the need, want & emotion is there but the follow through is like an empty pit-- even now I deeply struggle as I type these words... after watching the curser blink again for minutes I've decided I will write about a few things easier to express! ********************************************************************************* As previously written- my daughter's adored cat Tab died months ago. Struggles hit of recent events and two weeks ago my daughter asked me if she could get another kitten.. So needless to say we went to the Animal Shelter immediately, and spent about 2 hours playing with kittens, testing their temperments with other kittens and chose one --I'll attach a picture below.. she then thought loooonnnggg and hard about a name for about 5 days, settling on Karma. LOL.. as I type THIS part I have a big smile on my face, just imagine us training her around the house (jumping on the table---"BAD Karma", or following us to her food dish for a spoonful of treats "GOOD Karma")!! She likes to put her paw on you- somewhere...anywhere..to assure you are connected. She most often will just put a paw over my daughter's hand or arm while on or by her.. She's a spunky little thing, as most kittens are, but seems to have the Superman jump/flying down really well.. She dove an impossible distance from the couch to land on my daughters plate of food the other night "BAD KARMA"! Daisy and Lily the 1/2 wild cats we adopted have tolerated her barely. Every so often we will hear hissing or see a wild chase end with paws batting her on the head, but overall- it's been a fairly smooth transition. She has for sure put a bright light in my daughter's eyes again & livened the house up quite a bit- the biggest issue we have with her at the time is keeping your toes covered so she can't make you yelp in pain! ********************************************************************************* History: When my son was in elementary school there was a boy named Danial in a wheelchair. I never knew what was wrong with him, but my son would come home & tell me stories of how he'd stood up for the boy against others, stayed in at recess to play with him so he wasn't alone, would trade pokemon cards with him & play, they were good friends.. Danial continued to grow up and in High School my daughter & him became friends. When she would miss her brother they would talk on the phone & Danial would give memories of what 'He' was like to her. She loved hearing stories about him and learning what he was like towards his friends and against unkind people. A week ago Danial had an accident in the bathtub...no one knows for sure what happened but it seems that as he was getting in/out he may have had a seizure & drowned. EMS was able to revive him & sent him to Springfield, but when test results came back there was no brain activity. It rocked this house badly along with the community.. I didn't handle it well- crying at the drop of a hat.. the family took him off life support and made arrangements to harvest the organs so others could live through him. That was one of the most selfless gifts they could give others- and I remember my son wanting to do the same when he left us. He was unable because the cancer was so bad in his body. Danial died on the same day as my son 9 years later. What I try to imagine is my son's amazing smile and the twinkle in his eyes that showed his momma he was up to mischief...waiting for Danial..and Danial getting there...and them hugging or high fiving and zipping around with him showing Danial all the amazing things. No weakness or sickness or looking skeletal from my son, and no wheelchair or handicap or insecurity from Danial.. My son gave him a gift of love & confidence, then he gave it to my daughter, and she will in turn give it to someone else. What life is about, ey? ******************************************************************************** For those I love and miss.. love & miss you.. And watch your toes. ********************************************************************************