I got down wanting to see a specific picture from the photo albums & was going through them looking for it- which leads me to crawling to my laptop & writing.. love. loss. I have loved so well.. I look at these pictures & I hurt for some I see in them.. not from missing them necessarily- because they took my love & used it as a weapon against me- but hurt for the potential & promise I saw. I will list a few..
Mother- a loose term for the role she served. Provider- yes. Confidant? no. Reliable? no. Safe? no. Loving? no.
Abusive? yes. Hateful? yes. Selfish? yes.
Sister- moved & lost track of her.. I hope she's doing well.
Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- loved them so much. But she was very manipulative. Worked me over bad mentally acting like she was my friend & trying to help me- meanwhile she was trying to get together with my husband who she'd liked since high school..had told her mom & husband (who was soon after her ex)of her plans. Which evidently my ex wasn't as opposed to as he should have been.
Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- she had a sweet heart but in all honesty- was mentally unstable & not healthy.. lifestyle wise she was abusive to drugs, sex & neglectful of her children. I wasn't able to help her & reached a breaking point when her children were in some bad situations.
Friend- she died. Drug od & had a stroke... she was a sweet soul that was young & making some bad decisions- did not have the chance to correct them.
Friend- she died. Drinking ruined her body.. but she was reliable as far as being there for me. She was a solid.
Husband- I loved him. I tried to mold myself to make him happy but nothing worked. He was not good to me to say the least. Looking back now- we probably should have parted ways sooner- but I/we tried our best to make it work...just different standards, morals, priorities, living. He has moved on & found his current mate on #4? since me. My pain with him stems more from the ongoing recovery I currently am still working on. I have a lot in my head that needs overcome.
Son- the only one that breaks me. He was my mirror. My soul. He & I could communicate & instantly get each other. He was my happiness. My daughter was also- but he was my first everything... including funeral. I miss him so much. Even typing this I am crying & refocused on how I want to see that picture I started looking for... what's funny is - what it is of... it was a memory when we first moved here... him facing off in the yard w a bully across the street. He had come in crying bc he had been hit by this boy & then had a ball thrown at him hard. I told him "You go back out there & you face him- you don't back down.. and if he gives you trouble again- you knock the shit out of him- punch him square in the nose -you got it" & he looked me dead in the eyes- dried his tears & said "ok mommy I can do that." And he did. And that boy ran home crying & then his mom & I had words. lol Two days after that boy came asking if he could play & I said "In my yard where I can watch you all." & that's how it all began.. they became best friends & all the kids from 3 blocks over came over to our house to play, eat meals, watch tv, play video games... I got to be friends w the mom for a while... I was very protective of him. Of any child that came around... bc I knew even then the value they hold..
So love & loss...an equal paradox... one insanely deep joy that causes equally insanely deep pain... One I could live without with no hesitation yet to do so would mean I would have to cut off my openness to the other.. which my soul is unwilling to do... until I die.
So now.. I hit enter & go find my memories.. took no time at all to find the photo I was looking for.. he's the smaller boy in the Vikings jersey... I was so proud of him facing off- took the photo & then I ran outside bc the shit was gonna hitting the fan..lol.. I was so proud of him though...
