It's been a while since I've read a published book that's spellbinding. I've lost myself over the last week in the Hunger Games books. I found myself reading at any chance I could get- while stirring supper on the stove, while waiting for the gas to fill up in the jeep, while putting on makeup in the morning, etc. The characters in the book became quickly entwined & buried in my heart. Partly because I could identify with them and party because the story was so enthralling. Toward the end of the book when certain things happened I found myself setting the book down and crying my heart out using up a box of tissues. While some may laugh at my.. emotions distress over fictional characters- I know when others read the book- they will understand. I found myself so attached to them that I read the credits at the end and the copyright information just so I wouldn't have to put the book down... just.. yet.. Needless to say- I highly recommend the series.
Over the last few months I've faced some hardships that have left me a bit more cautious? numb? unwilling? to take life as I use to. I don't read the local paper, reach out, communicate as much. More quiet & reserved.. I don't write anymore or sing,(haven't been on here since Jan). Part of me feels it's due to just being tired of being someone that so many look to for guidance & help. I'm worn out physically & emotionally. There's part of me that realizes I've buried myself in social issues to avoid the losses I feel. Then again, that's me... Nothing gets me fired up & feeling alive like fighting for the underdog or children or wrongdoings. I was suppose to fly to Denver this weekend and last Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday I was so upset over this 'impending doom' feeling that I was in tears & unable to eat by Wednesday.. and changed my flight so I could stay home. I don't know if it was in regards to leaving my daughter here- some sort of premonition of her needing me? or just from the emotional state of not blocking out losses & difficulties I've faced lately. For all these reasons combined... I'm down for the count. I feel I've reached my breaking point & today was the catalyst- Losing the book- losing the characters..the temporary connection I'd missed & felt..
Today has been a day of letting myself sink into the despair & missing you pretty intensely. Knowing tomorrow I will get back up. In my awareness of myself- I know that it will not be a quick recovery- every day shoots physical pains through me if I think about you. I find it hard to breath & it's hard to think at all. I accept that I'm in an odd depression that I haven't encountered before. Although I haven't written anything since January out of survival instinct, I felt after reading those books I needed to reach out..to that lifeline in the leaves.
I've thought long and hard on the human spirit. How the potential that a human heart has can't be explained & that some take for granted- is by far the most amazing and powerful force of nature. I remember when I was very young, I use to repeat a phrase over and over to myself, and when all else fails, it forces me beyond what I normally feel capable of. I then combine it with another saying that is one of my favorites. With that, I promise to myself and those that love me- tomorrow I will start repeating them over and over. I will pull myself out of this quicksand that feels pretty damn warm. I'll sign off with words of tomorrow...
Be Strong.
So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
