written on November 21, 2011
One time you have a bond with someone that is beyond time & words... the absolute best friend you can tell anything too, hopes, dreams, funny stories, feelings,things you've learned, share advice with. You know they feel your pains or have a smile and enjoy listening to you & then sharing the same back- knowing you are reciprocating. That one that 'understands' and you're just in 'sync'. of course you can have all different kinds of connections with all different kinds of people..and they are all unique and special..but there's that one that is truly a friendship like no other before or since.
There are times I get very angry and hurt and wonder why our friendship stopped with no warning. The nights I can't sleep trying to nail down what I did or said wrong. Was I to honest? Did I offend? Too much of a glimpse at 'me'? Too emotional? What was seen that I was not worthy? Where did I fail? What did I miss? Should I have done more? For the trust I gave was deeper than any other and matches the deep hurt. Honestly in my life I have never trusted that much. I poured my heart and soul into words like I've never done before and lost that day what I cherished beyond description. I often wonder if I would not respond and show back how insignificant I felt if reached out to again..or if I would immediately reply out of sheer elation..or if I would shed tears from euphoria...or if we would pick back up a few steps back like nothing had happened..or would we talk about it..no clue.. I have invested so much of my soul..usually so skeptical yet now berating myself for being naive. Would I believe again or lose what was real by not believing again? What would prevent a blindside from happening again? Trust. Again. A scary thought for one who doesn't trust easily. I thought I was as cherished as the one I cherished.
My heart hurts still over the loss, my head is a mess, my soul feels empty, my eyes hurt from crying. This is the second most painful loss in life. It's been months struggling to survive normally. Will I be able to overcome this grief? The shell I hide in may not be necessarily a bad place. Maybe the mental walls I've had all these years were needed.
There are many days..nights..and times I think about how rare & special it was and miss it more than any words could give justice in describing. IF I had a wish- any wish at all- it would be to have THAT... back.
just want it back..
