I see neglect and bad circumstance when I go to do the interviews for the needy program I volunteer for.. and I see the hope and feel the hugs..the cynical side of me says I'm giving them false hope- that chances for them are slim- but the optimist that comes out when I'm not so tired...she has faith that love and effort can turn anything around.
I feel the pain during holidays of missing my son and wishing he was here for me to see. This will be my 8th Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. The mere thought has the potential to bring me to my knees- but making it a happy holiday for my daughter forces me to stand. Personality #2 wishes at times that I could have that breakdown that I see others do... where they are so immersed in their needs for comfort- they force others to care for them. I think it's a natural need to be consoled at times- but it never seems an appropriate time. I always make sure I'm by myself..because I can't put others through that confusion and helplessness that I know is felt.. yes- that would be personality #1... lol..
P #1 wishes I had 'normal' 'involved' parents that I could call and have heart to heart talks with..and P#2 says this is fine the way it is..nice and quiet- no hassles or conflicts.
P #1 wants the solitude of the woods right now so badly I could scream..and P#2 is so grateful for this outlet of technology that I've come to depend on.
P#1 wants to depend on someone- count on them with complete vulnerability and P#2 says live for yourself- you've tried that ball of wax-don't be naieve.
P #1 wants to be gone from here and experience the other realms the soul will travel and rest and P#2 says there's so much I need to do here- I'll never be ready to go.
P#1 wants to be held for hours and nap and P#2 wants to get a long list of things done.
P#1 remembers the pain, humiliation and degrading actions against her last year at Thanksgiving and the separation-almost divorce that came so close.. and feels the need to be strong this holiday- steel strong.. and P#2 says I have seen big changes- some that I never thought would actually happen...and this Thanksgiving I must close my eyes and step off the cliff... and hope that I'm caught.
I was watching this movie tonight- and I think sometimes I'm just a damn schitzo. lol.. yaya- well personality #2 says shuddit. I watch these sometimes and I roll my eyes. Then there are other times I cry from the sweetness of them.. I have no concept of the conventional idea of 'love'. I can say I've experienced what I believe to be love twice- however, neither case was the 'normal kind' you see in movies or hear about from friends. I can love from far away as powerfully as I devote myself in close proximity- in my mind there need not be difference. I think there's a lot of ways you can love- none necessarily better than the other- as long as it's true. P #1 says - The heart's potential is so boundless-whether in friendship, love, compassion, understanding, consideration... P#1 understands intentions..therefore when my feelings are hurt... and then P#2 really wishes the 'other' would devote that same devotion to paying attention to needs I may have.. and make similar sacrifices to not hurt me.
The distance issue, seems almost comical at this juncture in my life- for it's that distance that P#1 once considered safe- and now P#2 resents. P#1 wonders long term if I would be ok day in and day out with someone I love..but P#2 also has this feeling deep inside that is one thing that due to circumstances of one kind or another- I will never find out. P#1 wants that experience more than anything and is so fearful of not having that great 'living with someone' love.. but P#2 has found peace in that feeling it'll never be.. for the other part of me truly believes that since there are so many experiences and loves of so many kinds out there- this is just plainly my path.
But for a little bit- Personality #1 says- My heart is scared, missing certain loves and hurting. However, Personality #2 says I am the eternal optimist- and will always find the bright side of whatever love I am lucky enough to have for those breathtaking moments... because what else is life for?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Blankie in the Intricate Wooden Chest
The last few months I've been making an effort to meditate outside at night. There are times I'll go to a friend of mines lake lot and sit and listen to the water lap the shore, and other times I'll sit on my back porch and listen to the breeze and crickets. It's a beautiful chilly night here finally- fall is my absolute favorite time of the year.. As I was sitting outside tonight with my head back against the chair's back, I noticed the stars are absolutely amazing tonight. More beautiful than any other night I've seen yet.. with my knees curled up with my warm blue blanket wrapped around me keeping my toes warm, I came to an epiphany of sorts..
You know that expression "Some people are a season, some are a year, some are a lifetime" etc.. tonight I broke that down into a lot more. I think in relationships there are so many levels of symbolism.
There are not only seasons but climates, and even perhaps tools in those seasons and climates. For example sometimes I am in a warm beautiful breeze on a perfect 70s day.. and feel the heat soaking in and it feels so good.. I have never been happier. I can reach out and feel the deck boards underneath my arms and love the coarseness of them because they make me feel alive. I can look at the trees through someone else's eyes and believe they are beautiful again until I see them that way. I can smell the rain coming from miles away and look forward to the difference of the cold rain falling down on me.
If I was to vacation in a tropical area where the weather is so predictable and safe that I don't have any concerns for the rough weather I'd had before. I was thinking it was going to stay sunny and pretty, and unexpectedly it's not sun.. it's not even rain or cloudy- it's a ice blizzard. I am unprepared and my shoes are slipping. I look around and there is nothing to grab because I wasn't ready for the ice storm- hell I don't think I even had a coat or warm socks in the jeep! lol I'm in that blizzard freezing cold so miserable and the weatherman says this is going to last a while. So I make the choice to do the only thing I can - say "Wow.. wasn't expecting this!" and push on. I realize that the weather is pretty much the same no matter what the climate may seem to promise- so I stay prepared.
And then again- that perfect weather day comes back and the weatherman says that is the weather that will be sticking around for a while. I know that the safe weather is to be enjoyed while it's meant to be, but the blizzard will come again
When I'm in those blizzards, it's the most special thing in the world to dig through treasured things in boxes & find that soft blue, cuddly warm, comfy blankie... I can wrap that around myself. I can unplug it for a little while on those warmer, spring/summer days and maybe even pack it away in the beautiful wooden chest, but then when I need it, I can pull it out and wrap it around for the warmth.
Tonight I pulled my blue comfy warm blanket out of that beautiful wooden chest & I wrapped it around myself for warmth again. It was nice to feel it with me again. To get lost for a little while in the memories of something dear & that made me feel secure for so long. I will pack it away again with a wonderful smile and sweetness in my heart for how special it is as I go to bed tonight, and miss it for a while..
When I have that super comfy blanket packed away in that gorgeously made, intricate wooden chest.. knowing it's there may bring a sadness that I am not having that familiar feel with me, but knowing that I am or will be out in the sun enjoying the weather while I can soon brings a different kind of reassurance. I know that that comfy blue blanket needs it's own care & am glad that there are no moths or mice slowly breaking down it's beauty that I cherish so much. If there was a slight tear or snag in it-I'm glad to mend it or hope that a seamstress can do it in my place. I'm grateful that it's being so well cared for in that wooden box, because I know the precious value it holds. I may have those fears that someone will see that old blanket and think it's no good, maybe toss it.. or forget that it meant something so special to me and pack it away.. but in part of trying to stay prepared I count on it being there in the wooden chest in the next blizzard....and the blanket counts on me to be prepared to mend it's tears or mice holes- whatever the next season may bring..
You know that expression "Some people are a season, some are a year, some are a lifetime" etc.. tonight I broke that down into a lot more. I think in relationships there are so many levels of symbolism.
There are not only seasons but climates, and even perhaps tools in those seasons and climates. For example sometimes I am in a warm beautiful breeze on a perfect 70s day.. and feel the heat soaking in and it feels so good.. I have never been happier. I can reach out and feel the deck boards underneath my arms and love the coarseness of them because they make me feel alive. I can look at the trees through someone else's eyes and believe they are beautiful again until I see them that way. I can smell the rain coming from miles away and look forward to the difference of the cold rain falling down on me.
If I was to vacation in a tropical area where the weather is so predictable and safe that I don't have any concerns for the rough weather I'd had before. I was thinking it was going to stay sunny and pretty, and unexpectedly it's not sun.. it's not even rain or cloudy- it's a ice blizzard. I am unprepared and my shoes are slipping. I look around and there is nothing to grab because I wasn't ready for the ice storm- hell I don't think I even had a coat or warm socks in the jeep! lol I'm in that blizzard freezing cold so miserable and the weatherman says this is going to last a while. So I make the choice to do the only thing I can - say "Wow.. wasn't expecting this!" and push on. I realize that the weather is pretty much the same no matter what the climate may seem to promise- so I stay prepared.
And then again- that perfect weather day comes back and the weatherman says that is the weather that will be sticking around for a while. I know that the safe weather is to be enjoyed while it's meant to be, but the blizzard will come again
When I'm in those blizzards, it's the most special thing in the world to dig through treasured things in boxes & find that soft blue, cuddly warm, comfy blankie... I can wrap that around myself. I can unplug it for a little while on those warmer, spring/summer days and maybe even pack it away in the beautiful wooden chest, but then when I need it, I can pull it out and wrap it around for the warmth.
Tonight I pulled my blue comfy warm blanket out of that beautiful wooden chest & I wrapped it around myself for warmth again. It was nice to feel it with me again. To get lost for a little while in the memories of something dear & that made me feel secure for so long. I will pack it away again with a wonderful smile and sweetness in my heart for how special it is as I go to bed tonight, and miss it for a while..
When I have that super comfy blanket packed away in that gorgeously made, intricate wooden chest.. knowing it's there may bring a sadness that I am not having that familiar feel with me, but knowing that I am or will be out in the sun enjoying the weather while I can soon brings a different kind of reassurance. I know that that comfy blue blanket needs it's own care & am glad that there are no moths or mice slowly breaking down it's beauty that I cherish so much. If there was a slight tear or snag in it-I'm glad to mend it or hope that a seamstress can do it in my place. I'm grateful that it's being so well cared for in that wooden box, because I know the precious value it holds. I may have those fears that someone will see that old blanket and think it's no good, maybe toss it.. or forget that it meant something so special to me and pack it away.. but in part of trying to stay prepared I count on it being there in the wooden chest in the next blizzard....and the blanket counts on me to be prepared to mend it's tears or mice holes- whatever the next season may bring..
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