I was watching a battery commercial where there were kids in the hospital and they were playing with toys run by that 'brand' of battery. In that commercial was a little boy that looked about 10 sitting in a hospital bed and playing with a remote control truck and just smiling and laughing so big.. it took me back to the Christmas we spent in Childrens Hospital. You would think it would be a traumatizing event..and it wasn't fun- don't misunderstand me..but it was pure.
What I mean by that is the staff in the hospital did so much to make it look all Christmassy..did their very best to be 'extra cheerful and positive'..there were groups that evidently had donated all kinds of different things, toys, crafts, books, etc... they had carts and would push them into each child's room on the isolation/oncology floor. The kids would get to pick out a few 'new' things to play with. I remember watching them roll the carts in and my son sat up so excited with that big dimpled grin on his face.. I remember him looking at me with those wide, blue, sparkling eyes and jumping off the bed to get to the carts...as if it was HIS Christmas morning.. I remember watching in adoration as he picked up toys and things and looked at them- trying to decide which three he would get.. leggos?? remote control truck?? books?? Spiderman art kit?
No.. he picked up a princess barbie and a baby doll..I remember him turning to me and saying "Since you can't take me to the store I want you to take these home and give them to Ella (his personal nickname he'd given his 4 year old sister)..tell her I love her and I wish I was there".. for the third present I encouraged him to get something for himself- and he picked out this awesome art/drawing kit on Spiderman & DC characters. I remember his eyes searching mine for encouragement and approval..and I remember saying "I think you may need to wrap those for her honey- what do you think?" and the sadness was 'passed over' so we could focus on making her presents look super special. He was always very artistic and he kind of designed his own wrapping paper by piecing different ones together and making her gift tags very unique.
The hospital gave him a blood transfusion to boost his counts and we were lucky enough to be able to go home on Christmas Eve- and I remember how happy he was to be able to put those presents under the tree. He was SO excited to see her open them..
On Christmas morning when she was opening them up- she of course loved the baby doll- and when she opened the princess barbie she said "Oooh!!" and she didn't want to take it out of the box!! She loved it so much- that she didn't want to have her hair messed up. (Her dad & brother collected action figures- and even at 4 she knew that leaving it in the box meant it was super special..lol..) she still has it.. The gift of the giving and the message of love in that gift- is monumental to us all.
I remember that following January- my 29th birthday.. he had to have emergency shunts put in his kidneys- and I was alone at the hospital when they rushed him in for the procedure. I dropped on my knees shaking so badly and praying so intensely..I can only imagine what the casual passerby must have thought of me.. much later on when he came to and had processed things he was almost crying because I had been alone and it was my birthday. Of course he was reassured that all that mattered to me was that HE was with me- and we would celebrate it later. In the next few days he drew me the most special birthday card and I carry it with me in my wallet every day. It says "Don't expect a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.." and you open it up and it says "Because for 29 years of goodness..we got you a pot of LOVE".. very clever for a 10 year old!! Baby- that's all a momma can ask for.. thank you..
By Mothers Day - he was not doing well at all. We were still in the hospital. I had gone to a brief meeting with the medical team on the next round of radiation that we were going to try - and when I got back to his room his bed was empty. I had seen all those movies of the mother running around panicking and always swore "I" would never act like that.. however- I did.. that 'where is my son' answered with--no one knew.. I stayed calm though.. I focused on the fact that we had been at that hospital nearly a year- so many staff in so many departments on all floors- knew us.. he would be recognized.. my chief concern was that if he was out of bed for long...well- he didn't have a lot of strength...
so the elevator dings and he comes sliding his IV tower out in front of him and shuffling toward me- and I can tell he's tired. He hides the gift bag behind him and I helped him into the bed while being very stern in how he CAN NOT do that to me again. He said he had to go down to the main floor to get something and asked if I could step outside for a minute. He had used some money family had given him, and had gotten me three things for Mothers Day.. he got me a white puppy stuffed animal- because he wanted me to have something to cuddle with when I slept on the window/bench by his bed, he got me a stuffed monkey that we named Benny - and he helped me hang it on the jeep rear-view mirror when we went home from that trip, and a keychain that says "Believe".. which we hooked around Benny's neck on the mirror.. he felt so accomplished and proud of himself. I was so happy to see him like that and every time he would look at me on our trips back and forth to St Louis the monkey was with us on the mirror... and we'd include "Benny" in on our conversations.. "Benny is getting sick of this jeep ride" or "Benny says we need ice cream"..and 7 years later- Benny is still with me in my jeep. Benny will stay with me.
I miss my son. I could know what he was feeling without words. To say our souls were the same..or linked- would be a very fair statement that any who knew us would agree on.. I remember the day he was 6 and came in from a boy hitting him & knocking his glasses off- he was trying not to cry..and Lord knows- I don't like to fight either.. but I folded his glasses up for him and he looked up at me with that questioning look.. and I said "Go knock his lights out- I'm watchin ya babe"...he trudded out there and stood up for himself..and when the boy pushed him again- he punched him square in the nose.. the kid was 2 years older than him, and laid there stunned.. I brought them both out ice cream...and they were best friends from that day until he passed away..
I can only imagine the impact he would have made in all his years on earth- but I have SEEN the impact he has made in the very FEW years he was here on earth..and his pure heart and loving nature...people still tell stories of how pure his love was..
I'm blessed to be able to be happy 90% of the time- even when I am thinking of him and missing him. While telling of these memories yes- I may have shed tears- but through them I was smiling in love. Brought on tonight..from a battery commercial.
No comments:
Post a Comment