Appreciation

I appreciate the small things...things many overlook. Like a simple gesture or word used or a glance. After years of intense counseling & digging deep I've come to the conclusion it's from neglect.

Once specific example of this is one see every day around me & it's the most deep beautiful meaningful thing I could witness. I use to live a life where for 1 week a month I got to see an amazingly devoted dad to his child. During that one week it was beyond perfect. He was the most phenomenal, fun, devoted, cuddly, loving dad she could ask for...and usually during that week was a pretty great husband also. My heart would swell from watching them & feeling like I mattered so much. And then he'd return to work away from us & it would go back to being her & I... & we would survive best we could until he got to come back to us. I would talk to him various times through the day/night, but he would talk to her every few days- at times even once a week. I never thought much of that because I had never had a dad myself.. Plus he was working a very physically demanding job- providing a home for us. We didn't spend money. (I grew up beyond poor so now to try things- I'm like a little kid in a candy shop... however he grew up well off & didn't go without- because he was the one working so hard to earn money... he would spend hundreds of dollars a month to help make it worth being away for him... When he'd come home- he'd be to tired- so we didn't do anything. Last thing he'd want to do after driving was drive more.. No memory making- no going neat places or doing fun things.. that was again always her & I. Not as a family but as a fraction of it. If I ever did get him to come- it was always very bad for me when she wasn't around. There was always a price to pay. And if he was around for 2 weeks...or 3 or laid off- it would get bad. But.. he was very selective & would for the most part- never do or say anything too bad with her around. When he did it was because he'd lost all control & it would be Life altering bad to come back from. But I won't focus on the negative of the past.. I'm writing about the small things I appreciate that I see now. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. I think most assume that is how it is - because most HAVE that in their life.
But I know different.

I observe a dad who is tired from working all week... and he still gives attention to his kids.
It may be crabbier attention- but it's consistent. It's daily.
It's the normal for a mom - that 'doesn't turn off button'- but to see a dad do it...
It's 'I'm in your life every day I'm able- I'm showing up'.
It's 'I'm here & I'm not going anywhere until God takes me'.
It's 'I'm worn out but I love you & value you enough to do SOMETHING special with you'.
It's 'I'm broke beyond most people broke- but I'm spending what I have to make memories with you'.
I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. But I do.



I was in Children's Hospital for 2 Septembers with my Son. During the first September he was excited & almost jumping up at the window in the hospital to see all the huge air balloons flying up from Forest Park & right by his window. To get to witness his joy & excitement in his eyes- as a parent- it's a memory to cherish. And during the second September I carried him over to the window & held him cradled on my lap like he was a baby, at that point he was mostly skin & bone & was fading from our world. But for that day- while we got to watch for hours the balloons fly by us on the 8th floor- I got to see the light in his eyes. As a parent- it's a memory to cherish. For years I asked if I could go to spend the gas money to see it again. If I could not go alone. This year I went. I spent my own gas money with no repercussions. I was not there alone. I got to see eyes all around me light up. I got to hear squeals of laughter. I got to hear singing. I got to laugh & smile. I watched people hug & talk & laugh with each other. I didn't get to see many balloons because the wind was evidently keeping them from launching as many- but that's not what matters. What matters are the small details. The ones that most don't notice. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that... But I do.