Worth More

There are some- ok..maybe 3- that I hold in such high regard that when they hurt me deeply it leaves me literally nauscious. On the humorous side, it's helped me lose 5 lbs so far this month. I keep myself very guarded in 99% of my situations in an odd calculating formula. While I'm very open and loving to everyone- in the back of my head I am also reserved. I've had to work on that a lot in the last few years...not being so withdrawn. I would say there were probably two very impacting things that happened in my first 5 years as a child. I can remember around age 4 waking up with a black shape on me and I couldn't breath. I remember I was gasping for air and trying to scream and nothing would come out. I had no air for minutes and was struggling to breath small breaths and not die. I remember the black shape then got up quickly off me and left through the door and I was able to draw breath to scream. I remember my mom running in my room & me trying to explain to her what had just happened- and I remember her saying it was a dream & to go back to sleep. She didn't stay in there long with me- I do remember immediately getting tucked back in and her leaving the door cracked and me staring petrified waiting for him to come back through. It wasn't a dream. The second memory I was about 5 and was when my dad left. I remember them arguing and me sitting in the rocking chair rocking my baby sister trying to keep her quiet & thinking if we were quiet it would help them stop fighting and they would be able to work it out. I went down the hall when it was quieter and saw a suitcase. My dad said he was going on a business trip and he wasn't sure when he'd see me again. I remember crying and begging him to stay and holding onto his leg and he pulled me away from him and walked out.

I only bring up these because in the last month I've been thinking about why I hold such...powerful? unmoveable? value with those few I trust with my complete self. Analyzing my earliest memories of security, safety, trust, abandonment, talking- unfortunately brings back at times more than I wish I could remember. And in theory it explains a lot about why I have such issues. It's made me who I am today- good, bad, mixed up- whatever the case may be. However, If I say it- I mean it. What others may say- they may not. While I may pour my heart out being completely vulnerable & open to those very few- I may have been alone in doing so. My friends joke about how non-judgmental I am-'too patient & understanding'...that's what I've searched and hope for-- others that hold those same characteristics in such high regard. Acceptance...and not being left. Especially with no explaination. First my dad, then Mom, husband- silence. It use to be what he would do to break me down- because he knew what no response meant to me- that I wasn't worth it- I didn't matter. Now another that I believed was so very much more different- is not.

I can rationalize, put myself in another's place- think compassionate things, make excuses for why someone will be intentionally hurtful toward me..disregard any pretense of concern.. I did it for 15 years with the man I married until I couldn't any longer. So imagine how long I could do that again with friends I care so much for? Less.

I said 15 years and I've been married for 17. It may have taken me a while-but I do learn... In the last 2 years I have grown- I guess you could say my emotional state was stunted or on pause. Many things happened along the way and I tried to adapt and make the best of it- always looking on the bright side- even when 'normal' people would have quit. I had help re-claiming my self from some I considered beyond special to me.. I have got to start giving myself credit for who I am also. I for many years credited everyone around me- but me..I was not worthy of that-that's been shown. Yet when I look- I am the only one who remains- the one common factor in the equation. Does the importance of those around me diminish? Absolutely not- the value & cherished place I have still is there. But when those I value so highly repeat the 'you are not worth' actions- I have 2 choices- quit (which I have considered) or tread water until I can start swimming again...

But I can now acknowledge, I am a strong woman. And I am determined to not allow myself to be 'disregarded', disrespected & feel as I am nothing again.
I don't deserve silence. I am worth words.
I'm not a time filler or unimportant. I feel. I am worth genuine emotion.
I am not rude. I am worth manners.
I care & am a good woman. I am worth consideration.

I am worth the tiniest bit of effort... Yes- I can objectively look at myself and say the advantage for those having me in their life is that I 'expect' so very little --yet give so very much. The barest consideration counts for so much with me because of my history. And 'now' that I am this woman- when I am treated callously...

Will I be accepting & forgiving if an effort is made? Absolutely- that is my heart.
Will I beg? No.
Will I continue to try to reach out and ask why? No.
Will I be sick still? Yep. It's amazing the impact felt physically & emotionally.
Do I cry myself to sleep on some nights because I don't understand what "I" did wrong? Yes.
Would I respond if reached out to now? I don't know.
Will I ever have this wound in my soul healed or will it be a lingering scar?
I don't know that either.

I have driven myself crazy with the pain in trying to figure this out.
I can only come back to -- it's not mine to figure out.
I know who I am & treat those I care for with value.
Those I've been 'me' with - know this also.
I will force myself to find my dignity again.
I will find my footing and get back up.
Why?
Because I am worth more.