My Duel Personalities

I see neglect and bad circumstance when I go to do the interviews for the needy program I volunteer for.. and I see the hope and feel the hugs..the cynical side of me says I'm giving them false hope- that chances for them are slim- but the optimist that comes out when I'm not so tired...she has faith that love and effort can turn anything around.

I feel the pain during holidays of missing my son and wishing he was here for me to see. This will be my 8th Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. The mere thought has the potential to bring me to my knees- but making it a happy holiday for my daughter forces me to stand. Personality #2 wishes at times that I could have that breakdown that I see others do... where they are so immersed in their needs for comfort- they force others to care for them. I think it's a natural need to be consoled at times- but it never seems an appropriate time. I always make sure I'm by myself..because I can't put others through that confusion and helplessness that I know is felt.. yes- that would be personality #1... lol..

P #1 wishes I had 'normal' 'involved' parents that I could call and have heart to heart talks with..and P#2 says this is fine the way it is..nice and quiet- no hassles or conflicts.

P #1 wants the solitude of the woods right now so badly I could scream..and P#2 is so grateful for this outlet of technology that I've come to depend on.

P#1 wants to depend on someone- count on them with complete vulnerability and P#2 says live for yourself- you've tried that ball of wax-don't be naieve.

P #1 wants to be gone from here and experience the other realms the soul will travel and rest and P#2 says there's so much I need to do here- I'll never be ready to go.

P#1 wants to be held for hours and nap and P#2 wants to get a long list of things done.

P#1 remembers the pain, humiliation and degrading actions against her last year at Thanksgiving and the separation-almost divorce that came so close.. and feels the need to be strong this holiday- steel strong.. and P#2 says I have seen big changes- some that I never thought would actually happen...and this Thanksgiving I must close my eyes and step off the cliff... and hope that I'm caught.

I was watching this movie tonight- and I think sometimes I'm just a damn schitzo. lol.. yaya- well personality #2 says shuddit. I watch these sometimes and I roll my eyes. Then there are other times I cry from the sweetness of them.. I have no concept of the conventional idea of 'love'. I can say I've experienced what I believe to be love twice- however, neither case was the 'normal kind' you see in movies or hear about from friends. I can love from far away as powerfully as I devote myself in close proximity- in my mind there need not be difference. I think there's a lot of ways you can love- none necessarily better than the other- as long as it's true. P #1 says - The heart's potential is so boundless-whether in friendship, love, compassion, understanding, consideration... P#1 understands intentions..therefore when my feelings are hurt... and then P#2 really wishes the 'other' would devote that same devotion to paying attention to needs I may have.. and make similar sacrifices to not hurt me.

The distance issue, seems almost comical at this juncture in my life- for it's that distance that P#1 once considered safe- and now P#2 resents. P#1 wonders long term if I would be ok day in and day out with someone I love..but P#2 also has this feeling deep inside that is one thing that due to circumstances of one kind or another- I will never find out. P#1 wants that experience more than anything and is so fearful of not having that great 'living with someone' love.. but P#2 has found peace in that feeling it'll never be.. for the other part of me truly believes that since there are so many experiences and loves of so many kinds out there- this is just plainly my path.

But for a little bit- Personality #1 says- My heart is scared, missing certain loves and hurting. However, Personality #2 says I am the eternal optimist- and will always find the bright side of whatever love I am lucky enough to have for those breathtaking moments... because what else is life for?