I'm a tool

No, no.. not a tool as in the teenage slang used right now for lame.. but a tool... as in "a device that aids in accomplishing a task"...

I was putting strawberry jam on my toast this morning, thinking about what I have to do today- and what I have been doing all week.. which is help others..and it hit me. Like a mac truck, or a ton of bricks- (I get a hoot out of using those expressions because they sound so funny). I am a healer...a tool being used to bring peace and clarity... Not physically- but spiritually and emotionally.. I have been given a gift of insight and deep understanding. I don't say that in any sort of arrogance, but as someone who is for whatever reason, just now...today...figured that out.

I have a peace and calm that settles over me when I know there is a need..and I have guidance directing my words and actions. It seems to make a positive impact on those that are needing me. I love to encourage them to believe in themselves.. trust where they are being led.. follow the tiny voice inside..that leads them to a stronger sense of who 'they' are inside..

I think this revelation started when my husband called last night. He has some issues, among them bipolar disorder and depression, that he takes meds for now. I have loved the heart I believe to be there for a very long time. I see greatness in him and he amazes me with his perspective and humor many times. Last night though, he was back in a place he hasn't been for a long while. He was paranoid about his skin cracking, being sick with a disease inside him, people around him, etc.. he hasn't had that kind of episode in a while. When we very first got together I use to hold him in my arms and brush his hair back, and tell him stories..anything I could think of to take him away from that scary place in his mind. I did that again last night.. and it scared me, and made me so very sad.
And then I realized that I may not have it all.. not in normal terms of what I would hope for in a marriage or home life, but I have a beautiful, amazing daughter now..and he's not perfect- but he's mine- and I can live with this in a partnership that's 'doable' now.. and am working to a career that I think will help many teens or nature.. depending on what opens up for me in the future. I have a solid group of friends and wonderful church family.. If the scales tip too far in the negative direction, I now know I'm capable of being ok...and I'm finding a balance in how I use to live totally for others, and trying to live healthy now for myself. While I am no longer going to shoulder the burden of being consumed by 'saving anyone'- I will help as I am capable...and I'm finding they are closely entwined.

My friend's mom passed this week.. and she has difficulty coping in a healthy way. It's not a question of 'if' I will be there for her and the kids..just a question of how much do I do, and how much do I not do. My visual description of what I try to do is : I want to be supportive, and hold her and console her in her deepest sorrow, and at other times I will stand back a few steps- with my hands on her shoulders- supporting her.. but not holding her up. And when she's not having such a hard time functioning, I will step back and watch her. Because I love her and I know she can get where she needs to..and I want her kids to see that pain and emotion are normal..but that you can't stop functioning in life.

Yesterday I had my daughter go with me to take some bags of food to two families that needed it.. and when one little girl was jumping up and down and hugging me.. I felt such joy. I was in the right place. At the other house when I was finding the needs out for the family, the kids were so excited because they were going to have "presents under the tree for Christmas"... how simple things are not so simple to some...

An elderly couple is heating water on the stove to get warm baths..their water heater is beyond repair.. by putting the word out to my contacts, in 2 days they will have hot water again.. when I called with the final arrangements yesterday - and they knew it wasn't a "I'm going to try" but now it was a "It's going to happen"... they both.. were in tears and so touched.. I struggle not to cry as I type about it.

I think that there will come a day, when all of this falls into place.. knowing that the person is better after me- than before is all I want in life.. I see or sense things in others that they don't see in themselves.. I don't know if it's their potential I see, or their soul, or what to call it- but all the same I SEE it clearly.. I truly believe in what I see..and I know if that's God's will for them (and me) that it WILL be. There is a song I love to sing..some of the lyrics are below. It's called "There will be a day"..

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always


I believe the human spirit is precious and fragile. I know the immense pain caused by life and loss and abuse. I know the dents and cracks caused and how belief in God, superglue and time can heal, but there will always be tenderness and sensitivity in that area. I would say with that thought in mind --that just came to me.. I'm grateful for my experiences.. as I help others to heal, I'm in essence healing myself at the same time.. I hope to help many people while I'm here.

And on the heels of that thought, I'll add that I'm so grateful for others who have seen things in me that I do not see..for if it weren't for them- I would not still be here today. Healing and growing together is after all- what we are all suppose to do.