No, no.. not a tool as in the teenage slang used right now for lame.. but a tool... as in "a device that aids in accomplishing a task"...
I was putting strawberry jam on my toast this morning, thinking about what I have to do today- and what I have been doing all week.. which is help others..and it hit me. Like a mac truck, or a ton of bricks- (I get a hoot out of using those expressions because they sound so funny). I am a healer...a tool being used to bring peace and clarity... Not physically- but spiritually and emotionally.. I have been given a gift of insight and deep understanding. I don't say that in any sort of arrogance, but as someone who is for whatever reason, just now...today...figured that out.
I have a peace and calm that settles over me when I know there is a need..and I have guidance directing my words and actions. It seems to make a positive impact on those that are needing me. I love to encourage them to believe in themselves.. trust where they are being led.. follow the tiny voice inside..that leads them to a stronger sense of who 'they' are inside..
I think this revelation started when my husband called last night. He has some issues, among them bipolar disorder and depression, that he takes meds for now. I have loved the heart I believe to be there for a very long time. I see greatness in him and he amazes me with his perspective and humor many times. Last night though, he was back in a place he hasn't been for a long while. He was paranoid about his skin cracking, being sick with a disease inside him, people around him, etc.. he hasn't had that kind of episode in a while. When we very first got together I use to hold him in my arms and brush his hair back, and tell him stories..anything I could think of to take him away from that scary place in his mind. I did that again last night.. and it scared me, and made me so very sad.
And then I realized that I may not have it all.. not in normal terms of what I would hope for in a marriage or home life, but I have a beautiful, amazing daughter now..and he's not perfect- but he's mine- and I can live with this in a partnership that's 'doable' now.. and am working to a career that I think will help many teens or nature.. depending on what opens up for me in the future. I have a solid group of friends and wonderful church family.. If the scales tip too far in the negative direction, I now know I'm capable of being ok...and I'm finding a balance in how I use to live totally for others, and trying to live healthy now for myself. While I am no longer going to shoulder the burden of being consumed by 'saving anyone'- I will help as I am capable...and I'm finding they are closely entwined.
My friend's mom passed this week.. and she has difficulty coping in a healthy way. It's not a question of 'if' I will be there for her and the kids..just a question of how much do I do, and how much do I not do. My visual description of what I try to do is : I want to be supportive, and hold her and console her in her deepest sorrow, and at other times I will stand back a few steps- with my hands on her shoulders- supporting her.. but not holding her up. And when she's not having such a hard time functioning, I will step back and watch her. Because I love her and I know she can get where she needs to..and I want her kids to see that pain and emotion are normal..but that you can't stop functioning in life.
Yesterday I had my daughter go with me to take some bags of food to two families that needed it.. and when one little girl was jumping up and down and hugging me.. I felt such joy. I was in the right place. At the other house when I was finding the needs out for the family, the kids were so excited because they were going to have "presents under the tree for Christmas"... how simple things are not so simple to some...
An elderly couple is heating water on the stove to get warm baths..their water heater is beyond repair.. by putting the word out to my contacts, in 2 days they will have hot water again.. when I called with the final arrangements yesterday - and they knew it wasn't a "I'm going to try" but now it was a "It's going to happen"... they both.. were in tears and so touched.. I struggle not to cry as I type about it.
I think that there will come a day, when all of this falls into place.. knowing that the person is better after me- than before is all I want in life.. I see or sense things in others that they don't see in themselves.. I don't know if it's their potential I see, or their soul, or what to call it- but all the same I SEE it clearly.. I truly believe in what I see..and I know if that's God's will for them (and me) that it WILL be. There is a song I love to sing..some of the lyrics are below. It's called "There will be a day"..
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
I believe the human spirit is precious and fragile. I know the immense pain caused by life and loss and abuse. I know the dents and cracks caused and how belief in God, superglue and time can heal, but there will always be tenderness and sensitivity in that area. I would say with that thought in mind --that just came to me.. I'm grateful for my experiences.. as I help others to heal, I'm in essence healing myself at the same time.. I hope to help many people while I'm here.
And on the heels of that thought, I'll add that I'm so grateful for others who have seen things in me that I do not see..for if it weren't for them- I would not still be here today. Healing and growing together is after all- what we are all suppose to do.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Is God Real?
I'm going to address a taboo subject- because it's been a rough week and kind of need to vent. I'm going to let you into the inner working of my mind and welcome any comments or outlooks.. I haven't had a Rhapsody Rambling in a while..
Is God real? Just by this question (in essence of me claiming to be a believer- and now questioning it-) if I were to say I think he's not- I'll be committing the worst sin possible. The only unforgivable sin. But hear my frustrations out...
There is one side of me that says "No question in my mind. There is too much beauty and purity in the world. This couldn't have all just come from cells reproducing over millions of years.. there has to be a grand creator that watches over all of us. Everything in life is based on good verses evil.. life and death... positive and negative.. there is NO way possible that someone could have written a book so genius that applies still to this day so perfectly. There is factual evidence that supports the Bible. There are miracles that occur that can't be scientifically explained. You can be a total non believer and when tragedy strikes you will be on your knees praying hard- why? Because it's an internal impulse to the core of what we really are inside.
There are 'impulses-intuitions' that are said to be the Holy Spirit guiding you. I understand the theory of 'because there is so much sin in the world there is suffering, pain, etc.' I understand that according to God our ultimate purpose is to serve him in the best way possible- holding fast to the attributes that Jesus encouraged... my personal favorites are 1 Corinthians 13 and Galatians... I personally rely on scripture to help other people and for strength myself. If I had to choose one thing I could have on an island- other than a man I would love, I would choose the Bible. I think the Bible is an invaluable tool of resources, poetry, fables, advice and wisdom to use. It seems in-comprehendible that someone in that time period would have that type of skill or depth of knowledge- especially that the Bible was written by numerous people over MANY years- writing for God.
Then there is the other side of me that says "If there is a God and you have a good heart- why do you have such intense, painful struggles. Life is life- sure- but some are so well off and so bad- while others are barely keeping their chins above water and they have such miserable lives- yet stay so positive" Science can't be refuted..some scientific evidence doesn't equate with the information in the Bible. There are discrepencies that do bother me. #1- I find it discouraging that some people- no matter how hard they try to move forward- make little or no progress. I find it hard to understand that good makes such slow progress- talk about an uphill battle- while malice makes such quick, strong progress. However, I find it encouraging and think that it also defines character to NOT give in... #2 I believe that if there is a Heaven- that there is a lot of symbolism that people use from the Bible- that's not actually the way it is. I don't believe the streets are 'gold' and that you are happy to just 'Praise God'.. I think that gold was important when those books were written- so that's the motivation used. I don't think that 'God' would give a rats ass if the streets were gold.. I think it would look like Hawaii... or maybe for each person it would be different. When that book was written the idea of being able to praise God was a very new freedom and the mere idea of that was exciting and new..I believe that you praise him at times- but that also that we DO see and get to enjoy our loved ones- and just FEEL peace..time stands still for the most part. #3 I find it hard to understand or believe that God feels if one was to lie or steal a pack of gum that it is the same weight of murder or molestation in sin.
I CHOOSE to believe so that I can look forward to seeing my son- and I want to hold him again. I don't think that changes when I get there (that I wouldn't care anymore about that). I do think that they get to have some sort of interaction in our dreams.... and if that's not the case - then our minds cope by bringing them back in our dreams. The belief in God in itself- and everything that rolls into that- may be a way for our minds to cope and our subconscious to act the way we feel led. Is it God or 'common sense'? Who truly knows? By the time you know- you're dead. Then you're either dead and you never wonder again about it- or you are rewarded or punished for your beliefs.. either way- a tiny bit to late.
What is the difference between faith and hope? To me they are one and the same..the same as love and compassion.. both are hand in hand and interchangeable..
How much does God control (if he's real) and how much is fate...just life? If I get a parking lot space that's up front or get all green lights on the way home- is that God shooting me an extra boost for that time period? Or does God step back and let us live life and then step in and guide us with the tougher decisions? Does God inspire me to have Chicken alfredo for some reason or does he give freedom of choice and enjoy watching us be independent like we do with our children?
I believe that organized religion in itself is doomed to fail and actually pushes many away from God. I believe that there are so many hypocrites and judgemental people in the church, that the alcoholic that has the urge to go in the church and listen- wouldn't. That the woman who has low self esteem and is promiscuous will not go find out how to use the Bible's wisdom to become a stronger woman. The Bible was written origionaly in Latin- and through translation can be misconstrued. There are also chapters that have been 'deemed improper' and left out of the book. They are so hard to find- and if you find it- best keep it from the Church.. because that's not an 'approved part of the Bible'.. That in itself is a sin- if it's a true representation from God. I think organized religion is manipulative. I think the 'church' through out history has used religion as a crutch to justify vicious bloodshed, and greed. That is hypocritical to what the basis of the good book is- yet it's so common...
On the other hand- I am very blessed to be a part of a fantastic church. The good intentions are over bounding there. We are able to be helpful to many in need, and I do believe that we make a difference. The church family is a group of people that offer help - that no one else in the community will give. They have love and compassion that is unequal to any other 'group' of people I've known.
How do you balance the two? My version is twisted and complicated...and Biblicly speaking- totally wrong.. I personally believe in things that are against God's word. I believe that if you are a good person- and there is a Heaven that you will be admitted. I believe that if you are 'saved' but yet do nothing to help others, are a hateful person- then you in effect have only said 'the words'- and are not truly saved...the non believer is more Christ like and by that act alone is admitted. I don't think that if you don't say 'specific words and get baptized' you will burn in hell for eternity. I believe that each culture has a "God" and "Jesus"..I believe for instance that Buddha is the Jesus of that culture.. I believe the Native Indians had it right- they just divided it up differently..etc. I don't believe it's my place to 'judge' others beliefs! IF there is a God then it's only HIS place to judge- but yet that's one of the most preached about subjects (on how we have that job to 'conform' or 'transform' others religions to our own.. which in my mind goes back to the organized religion and 'filling the coffers'.
Is there Heaven? I think we need to believe that to be so. I know I do. I need to feel there was a purpose for my son's suffering and dying. I need to feel that by his sacrifice- and my daily pain and ache for my son that others saw purity- strength- faith- trust in the Lord- and that brought many to God.. that was my son's path. That now- I do what I can to bring others to lean on God- why? Because either way it hurts nothing.. if it's true then they will benefit in their daily life by building up their character and focusing on the good qualities we humans have. If it's not true- then it hurts nothing and gives them a source of strength and guidance that otherwise may never be felt. Why do I go to church- organized religion? mainly because it's a safe haven for me... to not be criticized, to sing songs that give me hope, to hear inspirational & motivational speeches...to meditate and pray to a higher power, to be a part of a group of people that are for the most part- GOOD.
Is "belief in God" just the minds need to cope with reality of life? Perhaps. Is it the minds way to find some balance in harmony and calmness? Perhaps. Is that ok? yes..
In the end I ask myself this...does it matter? Either way- really? Does it?
No..it doesn't matter... the book helps guide me and gives me daily peace.
It's a tool that I use to help others and inspires them. It's what we need to have an 'end goal' in site.. that if we don't have heaven to hold onto- we may fall into pits of despair. The Bible is our checks and balances for our lives..We humans need constant motivation to march on- and this is the ulitimate reward described.. However, the Bible says we must truly believe with no doubts if we are going to get to Heaven- we can't be a fraud "Christian"... and the yoyo goes back up to say "I'm not a fraud- God knows my heart- if he's real that is.. he knows how desperately I want to believe and that deep down- when the grade card comes in- I'm on his team."
Is God real? Just by this question (in essence of me claiming to be a believer- and now questioning it-) if I were to say I think he's not- I'll be committing the worst sin possible. The only unforgivable sin. But hear my frustrations out...
There is one side of me that says "No question in my mind. There is too much beauty and purity in the world. This couldn't have all just come from cells reproducing over millions of years.. there has to be a grand creator that watches over all of us. Everything in life is based on good verses evil.. life and death... positive and negative.. there is NO way possible that someone could have written a book so genius that applies still to this day so perfectly. There is factual evidence that supports the Bible. There are miracles that occur that can't be scientifically explained. You can be a total non believer and when tragedy strikes you will be on your knees praying hard- why? Because it's an internal impulse to the core of what we really are inside.
There are 'impulses-intuitions' that are said to be the Holy Spirit guiding you. I understand the theory of 'because there is so much sin in the world there is suffering, pain, etc.' I understand that according to God our ultimate purpose is to serve him in the best way possible- holding fast to the attributes that Jesus encouraged... my personal favorites are 1 Corinthians 13 and Galatians... I personally rely on scripture to help other people and for strength myself. If I had to choose one thing I could have on an island- other than a man I would love, I would choose the Bible. I think the Bible is an invaluable tool of resources, poetry, fables, advice and wisdom to use. It seems in-comprehendible that someone in that time period would have that type of skill or depth of knowledge- especially that the Bible was written by numerous people over MANY years- writing for God.
Then there is the other side of me that says "If there is a God and you have a good heart- why do you have such intense, painful struggles. Life is life- sure- but some are so well off and so bad- while others are barely keeping their chins above water and they have such miserable lives- yet stay so positive" Science can't be refuted..some scientific evidence doesn't equate with the information in the Bible. There are discrepencies that do bother me. #1- I find it discouraging that some people- no matter how hard they try to move forward- make little or no progress. I find it hard to understand that good makes such slow progress- talk about an uphill battle- while malice makes such quick, strong progress. However, I find it encouraging and think that it also defines character to NOT give in... #2 I believe that if there is a Heaven- that there is a lot of symbolism that people use from the Bible- that's not actually the way it is. I don't believe the streets are 'gold' and that you are happy to just 'Praise God'.. I think that gold was important when those books were written- so that's the motivation used. I don't think that 'God' would give a rats ass if the streets were gold.. I think it would look like Hawaii... or maybe for each person it would be different. When that book was written the idea of being able to praise God was a very new freedom and the mere idea of that was exciting and new..I believe that you praise him at times- but that also that we DO see and get to enjoy our loved ones- and just FEEL peace..time stands still for the most part. #3 I find it hard to understand or believe that God feels if one was to lie or steal a pack of gum that it is the same weight of murder or molestation in sin.
I CHOOSE to believe so that I can look forward to seeing my son- and I want to hold him again. I don't think that changes when I get there (that I wouldn't care anymore about that). I do think that they get to have some sort of interaction in our dreams.... and if that's not the case - then our minds cope by bringing them back in our dreams. The belief in God in itself- and everything that rolls into that- may be a way for our minds to cope and our subconscious to act the way we feel led. Is it God or 'common sense'? Who truly knows? By the time you know- you're dead. Then you're either dead and you never wonder again about it- or you are rewarded or punished for your beliefs.. either way- a tiny bit to late.
What is the difference between faith and hope? To me they are one and the same..the same as love and compassion.. both are hand in hand and interchangeable..
How much does God control (if he's real) and how much is fate...just life? If I get a parking lot space that's up front or get all green lights on the way home- is that God shooting me an extra boost for that time period? Or does God step back and let us live life and then step in and guide us with the tougher decisions? Does God inspire me to have Chicken alfredo for some reason or does he give freedom of choice and enjoy watching us be independent like we do with our children?
I believe that organized religion in itself is doomed to fail and actually pushes many away from God. I believe that there are so many hypocrites and judgemental people in the church, that the alcoholic that has the urge to go in the church and listen- wouldn't. That the woman who has low self esteem and is promiscuous will not go find out how to use the Bible's wisdom to become a stronger woman. The Bible was written origionaly in Latin- and through translation can be misconstrued. There are also chapters that have been 'deemed improper' and left out of the book. They are so hard to find- and if you find it- best keep it from the Church.. because that's not an 'approved part of the Bible'.. That in itself is a sin- if it's a true representation from God. I think organized religion is manipulative. I think the 'church' through out history has used religion as a crutch to justify vicious bloodshed, and greed. That is hypocritical to what the basis of the good book is- yet it's so common...
On the other hand- I am very blessed to be a part of a fantastic church. The good intentions are over bounding there. We are able to be helpful to many in need, and I do believe that we make a difference. The church family is a group of people that offer help - that no one else in the community will give. They have love and compassion that is unequal to any other 'group' of people I've known.
How do you balance the two? My version is twisted and complicated...and Biblicly speaking- totally wrong.. I personally believe in things that are against God's word. I believe that if you are a good person- and there is a Heaven that you will be admitted. I believe that if you are 'saved' but yet do nothing to help others, are a hateful person- then you in effect have only said 'the words'- and are not truly saved...the non believer is more Christ like and by that act alone is admitted. I don't think that if you don't say 'specific words and get baptized' you will burn in hell for eternity. I believe that each culture has a "God" and "Jesus"..I believe for instance that Buddha is the Jesus of that culture.. I believe the Native Indians had it right- they just divided it up differently..etc. I don't believe it's my place to 'judge' others beliefs! IF there is a God then it's only HIS place to judge- but yet that's one of the most preached about subjects (on how we have that job to 'conform' or 'transform' others religions to our own.. which in my mind goes back to the organized religion and 'filling the coffers'.
Is there Heaven? I think we need to believe that to be so. I know I do. I need to feel there was a purpose for my son's suffering and dying. I need to feel that by his sacrifice- and my daily pain and ache for my son that others saw purity- strength- faith- trust in the Lord- and that brought many to God.. that was my son's path. That now- I do what I can to bring others to lean on God- why? Because either way it hurts nothing.. if it's true then they will benefit in their daily life by building up their character and focusing on the good qualities we humans have. If it's not true- then it hurts nothing and gives them a source of strength and guidance that otherwise may never be felt. Why do I go to church- organized religion? mainly because it's a safe haven for me... to not be criticized, to sing songs that give me hope, to hear inspirational & motivational speeches...to meditate and pray to a higher power, to be a part of a group of people that are for the most part- GOOD.
Is "belief in God" just the minds need to cope with reality of life? Perhaps. Is it the minds way to find some balance in harmony and calmness? Perhaps. Is that ok? yes..
In the end I ask myself this...does it matter? Either way- really? Does it?
No..it doesn't matter... the book helps guide me and gives me daily peace.
It's a tool that I use to help others and inspires them. It's what we need to have an 'end goal' in site.. that if we don't have heaven to hold onto- we may fall into pits of despair. The Bible is our checks and balances for our lives..We humans need constant motivation to march on- and this is the ulitimate reward described.. However, the Bible says we must truly believe with no doubts if we are going to get to Heaven- we can't be a fraud "Christian"... and the yoyo goes back up to say "I'm not a fraud- God knows my heart- if he's real that is.. he knows how desperately I want to believe and that deep down- when the grade card comes in- I'm on his team."
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