so close

40 min ago I was getting ready to sit down & write letters to those I love. I still probably will. But after a talk with my Dad- who told me to focus on the next 2-3 days & no further...and my adopted mom who told me I'm free- and I deserve better- to let go & let God & MOVE. I said "What if I regret moving?" she said "What if you regret staying?" I seem to love those that either can't, don't or won't love me back. From my child to my ex, to friends. Not all- by any means- but right now- 2 very hurtful situations are going on. I have got to figure out either how to get out of the position I am in & my feelings of hopelessness or follow through & go to see my son. At this point I'm going to read my Bible, tomorrow I'm going to the gym, church, & a concert w a girlfriend.. Monday I've got a few hours of work & then Tues I may go to a support meeting. I am worth better than what I have been getting from the 2 I love the most in this world. I am worth more. I don't want hate, negative, games, to be used or a convenience. I had that. I want to be valued. I'm either so close to the edge & falling over or so close to seeing something better. For now I set goals of 2-3 days at a time...that's as far as I can plan on being here for now. So close.

Love & Loss

In less than 24 hours I'll be on another anniversary of my son's death. I have had the waves of emotions starting to hit me tonight & will be watching a tv show & hit pause bursting into full blown sobbing. The kind where your chest aches & you can't see out of your eyes or breathe. Where the tears don't stop & you're afraid your neighbors will end up hearing your sobs. I rock back & forth wishing so bad I had someone here that loves me like I deserved to be loved & was not going through another milestone alone...

I got down wanting to see a specific picture from the photo albums & was going through them looking for it- which leads me to crawling to my laptop & writing.. love. loss. I have loved so well.. I look at these pictures & I hurt for some I see in them.. not from missing them necessarily- because they took my love & used it as a weapon against me- but hurt for the potential & promise I saw. I will list a few..

Mother- a loose term for the role she served. Provider- yes. Confidant? no. Reliable? no. Safe? no. Loving? no.
Abusive? yes. Hateful? yes. Selfish? yes.

Sister- moved & lost track of her.. I hope she's doing well.

Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- loved them so much. But she was very manipulative. Worked me over bad mentally acting like she was my friend & trying to help me- meanwhile she was trying to get together with my husband who she'd liked since high school..had told her mom & husband (who was soon after her ex)of her plans. Which evidently my ex wasn't as opposed to as he should have been.

Suppose to be best friend & her 2 kids- she had a sweet heart but in all honesty- was mentally unstable & not healthy.. lifestyle wise she was abusive to drugs, sex & neglectful of her children. I wasn't able to help her & reached a breaking point when her children were in some bad situations.

Friend- she died. Drug od & had a stroke... she was a sweet soul that was young & making some bad decisions- did not have the chance to correct them.

Friend- she died. Drinking ruined her body.. but she was reliable as far as being there for me. She was a solid.

Husband- I loved him. I tried to mold myself to make him happy but nothing worked. He was not good to me to say the least. Looking back now- we probably should have parted ways sooner- but I/we tried our best to make it work...just different standards, morals, priorities, living. He has moved on & found his current mate on #4? since me. My pain with him stems more from the ongoing recovery I currently am still working on. I have a lot in my head that needs overcome.

Son- the only one that breaks me. He was my mirror. My soul. He & I could communicate & instantly get each other. He was my happiness. My daughter was also- but he was my first everything... including funeral. I miss him so much. Even typing this I am crying & refocused on how I want to see that picture I started looking for... what's funny is - what it is of... it was a memory when we first moved here... him facing off in the yard w a bully across the street. He had come in crying bc he had been hit by this boy & then had a ball thrown at him hard. I told him "You go back out there & you face him- you don't back down.. and if he gives you trouble again- you knock the shit out of him- punch him square in the nose -you got it" & he looked me dead in the eyes- dried his tears & said "ok mommy I can do that." And he did. And that boy ran home crying & then his mom & I had words. lol Two days after that boy came asking if he could play & I said "In my yard where I can watch you all." & that's how it all began.. they became best friends & all the kids from 3 blocks over came over to our house to play, eat meals, watch tv, play video games... I got to be friends w the mom for a while... I was very protective of him. Of any child that came around... bc I knew even then the value they hold..

So love & loss...an equal paradox... one insanely deep joy that causes equally insanely deep pain... One I could live without with no hesitation yet to do so would mean I would have to cut off my openness to the other.. which my soul is unwilling to do... until I die.

So now.. I hit enter & go find my memories.. took no time at all to find the photo I was looking for.. he's the smaller boy in the Vikings jersey... I was so proud of him facing off- took the photo & then I ran outside bc the shit was gonna hitting the fan..lol.. I was so proud of him though...

Appreciation

I appreciate the small things...things many overlook. Like a simple gesture or word used or a glance. After years of intense counseling & digging deep I've come to the conclusion it's from neglect.

Once specific example of this is one see every day around me & it's the most deep beautiful meaningful thing I could witness. I use to live a life where for 1 week a month I got to see an amazingly devoted dad to his child. During that one week it was beyond perfect. He was the most phenomenal, fun, devoted, cuddly, loving dad she could ask for...and usually during that week was a pretty great husband also. My heart would swell from watching them & feeling like I mattered so much. And then he'd return to work away from us & it would go back to being her & I... & we would survive best we could until he got to come back to us. I would talk to him various times through the day/night, but he would talk to her every few days- at times even once a week. I never thought much of that because I had never had a dad myself.. Plus he was working a very physically demanding job- providing a home for us. We didn't spend money. (I grew up beyond poor so now to try things- I'm like a little kid in a candy shop... however he grew up well off & didn't go without- because he was the one working so hard to earn money... he would spend hundreds of dollars a month to help make it worth being away for him... When he'd come home- he'd be to tired- so we didn't do anything. Last thing he'd want to do after driving was drive more.. No memory making- no going neat places or doing fun things.. that was again always her & I. Not as a family but as a fraction of it. If I ever did get him to come- it was always very bad for me when she wasn't around. There was always a price to pay. And if he was around for 2 weeks...or 3 or laid off- it would get bad. But.. he was very selective & would for the most part- never do or say anything too bad with her around. When he did it was because he'd lost all control & it would be Life altering bad to come back from. But I won't focus on the negative of the past.. I'm writing about the small things I appreciate that I see now. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. I think most assume that is how it is - because most HAVE that in their life.
But I know different.

I observe a dad who is tired from working all week... and he still gives attention to his kids.
It may be crabbier attention- but it's consistent. It's daily.
It's the normal for a mom - that 'doesn't turn off button'- but to see a dad do it...
It's 'I'm in your life every day I'm able- I'm showing up'.
It's 'I'm here & I'm not going anywhere until God takes me'.
It's 'I'm worn out but I love you & value you enough to do SOMETHING special with you'.
It's 'I'm broke beyond most people broke- but I'm spending what I have to make memories with you'.
I don't think most people have an appreciation for that. But I do.



I was in Children's Hospital for 2 Septembers with my Son. During the first September he was excited & almost jumping up at the window in the hospital to see all the huge air balloons flying up from Forest Park & right by his window. To get to witness his joy & excitement in his eyes- as a parent- it's a memory to cherish. And during the second September I carried him over to the window & held him cradled on my lap like he was a baby, at that point he was mostly skin & bone & was fading from our world. But for that day- while we got to watch for hours the balloons fly by us on the 8th floor- I got to see the light in his eyes. As a parent- it's a memory to cherish. For years I asked if I could go to spend the gas money to see it again. If I could not go alone. This year I went. I spent my own gas money with no repercussions. I was not there alone. I got to see eyes all around me light up. I got to hear squeals of laughter. I got to hear singing. I got to laugh & smile. I watched people hug & talk & laugh with each other. I didn't get to see many balloons because the wind was evidently keeping them from launching as many- but that's not what matters. What matters are the small details. The ones that most don't notice. I don't think most people have an appreciation for that... But I do.

An Amazing Find in Yourself

Sometimes you can find an amazing, rare bird...and absolutely fall in love with it.You think this bird is phenomenal. You put your faith in watching this bird fly & become what you believe it can.You trust in the bird to see how much you trust it. And the bird loves being with you also! You know it was sent to you by the Highest above & vow to appreciate it's beauty every day..you believe in this bird..all your hopes & dreams are in this bird. You every day strive to give the bird the best you have to offer- making sure that it knows it's value with you. But over time, this bird begins to peck at you. Over years the pecks turn to taking chunks out of you. It hurts you deeper than any other pain & you rationalize it by saying the bird isn't use to the weather here, or the food has changed, or it's not feeling well, and before long- you find making excuses for the bird's behavior to you is what takes the majority of your time up... The beauty you once saw everything in with being attached to this bird--- changes into ownership or feeling disposable...it starts to make you numb if you continue to look at it the same way so you stay numb most of the time (to save the bird which you still love in it's beauty & all you've built with it).However, the bird starts to mock you & you find yourself talking less around it. The bird ridicules your laugh, your thoughts, your looks, everything about you & then the bird that youonce thought was so beautiful- now seems to make you see ugly when you look in the mirror at yourself.You realize that even if you loved this bird with everything you had- you will never be good enough for the bird to want to stay. You have to love yourself more & let this bird go. It needs to fly in it's own direction - away from you. Far away from you. You can believe in good being in that bird somewhere- deep down- but you realize that you are not the one to enjoy it anymore. You're stubborn & believe in the best as long as you can- but eventually you're barely recognizable you're so marked up. You let that bird go & bandage yourself up- knowing that it will take a lot of time & work to heal the wounds the bird intentionally or unintentionally made on you- either way- they are wounds you must address. No one can wrap these wounds for you. You have to soothe them, healing yourself - slowly. Deliberately. Yourself. Over a long period of time. For you see- Sometimes it's not the bird that needs to change...after all- it can't change it's feathers- that bird was born that bird. It likes it's colors & pecking habits. It's what makes that rare bird that rare bird. It's you that needs to change.. You are a woman of worth. A woman of beauty in yourself. You are a woman of value. Any who don't see that- don't need to be in your life.. for they do not deserve to be in your life... You need to switch to a different kind of bird. Eventually. After the right amount of time has passed- where you can see these things in yourself- & maybe...just maybe that different kind of bird will see these things in you. Otherwise- you're ok without a bird around..If it's a smart bird- deserving of your attention & devotion it will see what you are. If not- you've learned- you are fine on your own. 




http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/26939570

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/02/pictures/110228-best-pictures-worlds-rarest-birds-ibis-owl-crane-parrot/

Epiphany

I was thinking of sharing my thoughts on a subject and oddly enough the word that kept coming to my mind was "Epiphany".. that's what I feel I've had over the last 6-9 months or so. Ironically the definition of Epiphany is : 1. a Christian festival, observed on January 6,commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day. 2.an appearance or manifestation, especially of a deity.
3.a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.4.a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight. The last 2 definitions would be fitting..

Here's what I find ironic.. my epiphany is over the thoughts on religion/God that I've adjusted. In itself- saying that brings fear of blasphemy. Do I believe there is a higher power at work? Yes. Do I believe everything in life is just a 'big bang'? No.
But over the last (almost) year I find offensive the 'Christian' religion, which I'm sure is where the CYA religious saying of 'Don't focus on religion-focus on RELATIONSHIP with God' comes from. It's bothered me a bit for years, but more so this year. I can not relate the Scriptures with the majority of Christian followers' actions. The intolerance and hate inciting towards various groups in our society ranging from the poor to those just different in various ways... The ideas of "What would Jesus do?" "Love thy neighbor" "help each other" "Be nice" all the ideals portrayed in the Bible are not what I see from this wide group of 'believers'. As I started noticing that, I started looking into facts on other religions, ranging from the Native Americans (who I've always held dear on their principles/way of living), Buddah, Allah, God, etc. I feel there are amazing & similar ideals in 95% of the religions. While the Christian/God version has the best resource (Bible) it also has been altered from the Human race to advance agendas. The fact that chapters written of Scripture have been left out (and very hard to buy/find), and taking into consideration the language barrier/different meanings on interpretation - leaves it...not 'unblemished'. Is it better to take what we can and use it to the betterment of our minds? Absolutely!! Will I NOW take what I can from ALL belief systems and combine it into a Rhapsodyramble way of living- ABSOLUTELY. Am I excited to not be so constrained and able to be LESS imposing (or feel like a failure on 'spreading the gospel')? YES!

I've always had issue with passing judgments on others and acting like my way was the only way- hence the opinionated way I address issues in Bible Studies & conversations.. I'm focusing on not being narrow minded. I don't feel the Christian way is the only way. I feel that's a very unChristian attitude. I've had an issue for years on the idea that I'm suppose to go up to people and witness to them that their belief is wrong, and if they don't want to burn in hell they need to change their feeling and follow only 'my God'. I believe if there is a higher power he created ALL of the nationalities, ethnicities, cultures, and had a hand in the creativeness of each group. I don't believe he would be so cruel as to create all that has been - and then with the beliefs in each culture damn so many cultures immediately. I personally feel that's the human- especially American way of "I know better than you" and superior attitude we have with so many nations.

I think back on all the atrocities committed in the name of 'God' and imposing beliefs- and the hypocrisy that holds. Even now, fellow church go-ers come to church showing pictures and talking about their 'mission trips' to other countries and how they had such a God Experience...yet here- in our own country, in our own COUNTY they are selfish, unhelping, judgmental people. There are children in this area who could be positively affected by the actions these people do for 4 days out of the country- but that would take living the principles they claim to follow longer than a few days.. so yes I may be jaded right now- but it's because I'm seeing that the world is not quite so Black lines, White lines, clear cut right way, wrong way.. it's more of a bunch of gray swirlies mixed in and out of the black and white.. and every other color splashed into it.

So where do I stand? Not as secure in my faith in God, but that there is a bigger picture than I originally was seeing. Do I believe in Heaven? maybe.. could it be a second life somewhere? maybe.. reincarnation? who's to know? I'm not an enlightened being..I'm a searching one and one that's much happier inside with my new thinking.

Less Than a Few

Here it is, nearly 4am and I'm under a blanket on the couch with the curser flashing on the computer. I lay down to sleep so tired and find I'm then wide awake needing to write words out. What? You may ask..no clue...yet.. maybe my heart?

Mean thoughts are very rarely there. I've faced some things in the last year that I can say most would not react rationally. I have discovered that there are 'less than a few'-- I can wholly trust my soul with. I continue to hold true faith & trust in those 'less than few'..for to not do so, would repeat a mistake I promised I would not make a second time.

I am a big picture person. The temporary thought 99.9% of the time most would choose- I do not. I truly believe in not being the only one that thinks the way I do- there has got to be more out there that feel similarly..however I do not confide my mind's workings to but 'less than a few'- it does not work out..again I go back to true faith & trust. nothing more/nothing less.

Normal does not apply in my heart. Only the extra-ordinary meaning behind such simple words that carry positive meanings.

For example a friend finds no value anymore because my life choices are less fun... Or a woman I've admired for so many years as an amazing motherly example removes the connection. I hold no malice. I'm deeply sad. I'm hurt. Confused. Let down. But they need not worry about any betrayal of confidence...I do not hurt others because I'm hurt. I just miss them.

I remain sad wishing for happier times. I am on a road with hope in the 'less than few'. I have learned however that I need to hope quietly. More times than naught I hear the echo of my plea return empty. Those I love I love forever and that loyalty will always move me to attempt only what would bring them happiness. A gift of what maybe they look for & I can provide. Confidence, respect, love, admiration, laughter. Sometimes being me does not work well for me but I know no other way to be.

A Myriad of Emotions

I was being pulled to write again tonight.. you see I want to share but also want to make sure it's ok to do..yes this is my outlet/safe way to do that. Has been for quite a while but it's the tool that has been given- an invisible cord one might say.


As I have read and re-read and re-read I can't help shake my head and think "Well HELL.."

As I was sitting down to type and thinking over all the recent revelations & last few days my mind is spinning. I feel hopeful and then feel stupid for feeling hopeful. I feel so glad and so terrified of feeling glad. I feel happy and nervous I will lose that. I feel excited and then cautious for getting excited. For right now- I will be patient and wait. The ol' familiar keep the walls up until I can see if it's safe... I keep coming back to hope though. And happy. I want to scream, laugh and cry.

I think I want to go see what I dream- much safer there than awake right now.